Seven years ago we brought our daughter home for good. At that time our little eight year old referred to herself as being at the bottom of the family food chain. Today she calls herself the oldest of the youngest four!
Being adopted by us was not our daughter's first choice at the time. It all came as a huge shock as she had understood that she would always stay in foster care. She was happy with the foster arrangement and felt an important part of that family, so coming to live with us involved many layers of deep grief for her. At first she would not sleep in her bed, but chose to sleep in the clothes closet on a foamie. She slept there for months, feeling secure in that closed in space and not attempting sleep until her door was firmly shut with no one around. She ate nothing but bread and Chicken McNuggets as her whole system was upset and in a jumble. I could not hold her or read to her, and for over a year she would leave the room every time she was alone with my husband. Her favorite pastime was playing for hours in her cupboard with her animal stuffies and she was not able to express her emotions or feelings. She refused to wear anything but dark baggie track pants and a hoodie. As long as we respected these elemental requests, in most ways she was very accomodating and friendly and presented as a "perfect" child. Early on I was suspicious about what was going on. She really was too perfect. I had been prepared for tears and rages. There was none of that. She was a friendly socialite and was extremely skilled at ducking under the radar of both family and school. She loved playing endless games of hide-and-go-seek and got great delight out of disappearing at various times during the day and hearing the panic in my voice as I went looking for her, fearful that she had somehow run away or been abducted.
Another struggling adoptive parent once told me that she was not sure she could walk the long road ahead with her child. It is a long road, and requires much skill, patience, flexibility and humour. Relationship is never something that can be expected or demanded. It takes time and may not meet the expectations of either child or parents. All these issues and more did not resolve in the first year, or the second. As I look back over seven years, there has been very significant growth and much joy and love along the way. We have needed support. A couple of friends have worked hard with us to connect with our daughter and to be family for her with us. In the first year my husband and I were coached by a psychologist who primarily supported us! Our daughter was ready for weekly time with her after the second year, but certainly not before that time. As she settled in those years, she often joked that she had crazy parents and a crazy psychologist! She was right; it has been a crazy journey of unconditional commitment and love! We have certainly not been perfect parents. We have yelled too much, said things we should not have said, and have not always been as supportive as we would have liked. Our daughter remembers the time that she sat alone at school on an early dismissal day, feeling completely abandoned. I had forgotten to pick her up. It has not been easy for her as our family has grown. Stress levels increased with each new adoption, and it has been difficult especially for our daughter to constantly readjust and accept change when her own foundation is fragile. Essentially, over these years we have learned so much from each other and have grown in healing together. Through all the ups and downs of these years it has been a most wonderful journey and we are all changed people.
Today, seven years later, our daughter sleeps in a real bed. She still has definite food preferences, but certainly eats most things with the family. She has wide range of interests including dance, swimming, reading and playing the flute. She has found a faithful niche of friends at her high school and through the church youth group and is able to sometimes advocate for herself as she needs help. She expresses a wide range of emotions, loves hugs and snuggles, and adores her Dad, even going alone with him on a trip to visit with extended family in the East one year. She still loves playing hide and seek and still enjoys hearing the panic in my voice if she is late or missing. She is a fine person of many gifts, hard work and deep character. Her life is a testament to how people can survive through incredibly challenging times and grow in grace and love to live full and rich lives.
Mostly, I love my daughter more than words will ever express. I so look forward to continuing on this long journey together; it is a journey that is incredibly worth every step and I am thankful for each day with you. Happy Gotchaday darling! These days I don't really think much about you being adopted. You are my daughter and you bring great joy and thankfulness to us all. We love you!
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