Any family grafted together through adoption sooner or later has it either implied or stated from their child or from others that they are somehow not real. "You are not my real mom!" or "Are those kids your real kids? " are not uncommon to hear in our world.
Once we have curbed our sharp tongues, how do we handle these statements?
I am a second wife. Especially in the early days of relationship I often felt that I was really second best. I was not the real wife. The wife who had shared the firsts. The first home, the first child, the adventures of the twenties and early thirties as patterns were being set and lives built. I wished that I had shared those things with my husband. From my perspective, I envied those for whom marriage seemed more straightforward and an adventure of firsts. I resented the fact that often it seemed that sometimes I was treated as if I was first wife and not my own self. My behaviour and some events still do trigger old reactions and feelings in my husband that really have nothing to do with me. I sometimes have felt cheated out of the real thing. I have grieved my second place standing.
I am also the second, third and in one case fourth mother for some of my kids. Sometimes they say it and I feel it. I am not the real mom. The mom who shared the firsts. The first tooth, the first step, and even the first day of school. I do wish that I had shared those things with my kids. Sometimes I do envy those for whom parenting is more straightforward and 'normal'. I resent the fact that sometimes I feel like I am treated as if I am one of the earlier moms and not my own self. My behaviour and many events do trigger old reactions and feelings in my kids that really have nothing to do with me. I sometimes have felt cheated out of the real thing. I have grieved my second place standing.
For my kids too, I am not the first mom. I am not the biological mom. They look around and wish that their lives were more straightforward and 'normal.' They feel like they really are second best. They would like to look like me and the rest of their family like all the other kids. They wish they could share truthfully about their past in all those school projects without feeling so different. They wish their hearts did not have to daily face the unbearable feelings of being rejected. They wish they could have their real mom and their real family. These feelings sometimes loose their intensity, but they never really leave. They get pulled out in anger when life is intense and things are not going right. They feel cheated out of the real thing. Second place. For them their feelings are even greater than my own second wife or second mom feelings. I ultimately had choice in those decisions. My kids were powerless. They had no choice to be second or third or fourth.
The moments of not feeling like the real wife are decreasing after twenty five years together. We were once wisely encouraged that we would together make our own real history and life together. The moments of new and different firsts add up over time. Who says that being first is best? In times of anger I do sometimes discount all the joys of life with my husband, but nothing can remove those real moments and years that we have been together.
As parents we listen with ears of understanding. We try not to react when we are not acknowledged as real. In quiet moments later we listen. Listen and talk of feelings hidden underneath. Of roots that have been twisted and cut off. Of pain. Of our own unrelated feelings of times when it feels like we are cheated. For our kids it is a tough reality. Life has not gone in all the ways we all would have liked. But in the most real way of all, that is life. There are so many ways in each step of the journey of life that we do not have what we would hope to be real. Our hopes and expectations of what is first or best or real is often painfully different from our reality.
In those moments when I feel acutely the pain of second wife or second mom, I try to feel the pain for what it is. I try to disengage those feelings from what perhaps seemed to initiate anger of the moment. I help my kids do the same. I don't tell them they have to obey anyway. If they were birth kids they would have a different reason for not obeying the same rule. That part is not about real. That is about really wanting to do what is real for themselves in their own journey at that point.
So together we face the pain. Lots of things along the journey will not feel real. Our kids are getting the practice of how to cope with these life realities extra early and extra painfully. That is real.
Together too, we face whatever it is that is making us angry. The disagreement. The wanting to do it our own way and to be our own person. We listen and feel that too. We wait and step away from the raw emotion. In the best way we can, with the limited abilities we have, we try to unpeel and name the feelings. The feelings that initiated the angry outburst that we are not the real mom or the real family may be very unrelated. They may be more about the kids exerting their own independence and disagreeing with the request. The kids know our own areas of insecurity and are masters at knowing what will cause us to react. In their own feelings of powerlessness and rebellion they pull out phrases that certainly will get our attention even if they are not directly related to the feelings of powerless frustration. We address those things as we can.
Underneath all the daily bumps of family relationships, we do try to give our kids pride and acknowledgement of the reality of their own challenging and unique journey in life where we actually are the second or third or fourth family. We acknowledge all the strengths that have enabled them to continue to go on in their own reality. We try to be creative in building each other up, encouraging our kids to express themselves in ways we can hear while developing skills and attitudes that will stay with them as they face all the disappointments and pain of life.
Real. This moment right now is indeed the only real deal for now.
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