Foundations

If I am going to try to slow down and simplify, what is really important?

In all the courses that I have taken over the last year, there has been significant emphasis on the bottom up foundation approach.  In the brain, development starts with the brainstem and moves up through the various parts of the brain to the cortex.  Movement and music and rhythm influence our higher brains through their steadying impact on the brainstem.  Often challenging behaviour comes from foundation insecurities and deep needs.  To influence behaviour we have to address those deeper places.   Even Jesus tells us to watch that the foundations of our homes are solid, built to last on rock.

Where do we start in parenting with this bottom up foundation emphasis?

 What is my foundation as a parent?  Us parents need to check first that we are healthy.  We need to be loving and gentle with our own selves. We often care for ourselves last.  For most of my life I have totally disregarded the second part of the command to "love others, as we love ourselves".  I have been so busy trying  to love rather than be loved and to understand rather than to be understood.  I have missed an important piece. I am to start loving at home, right in my own heart.  When I do that, I am much more effective at loving others too.  Sometimes it is easier to focus on loving and caring for our kids than for ourselves. I noticed that a recent conference geared to caring for our children was packed, but another upcoming conference that was to address caring for ourselves as  parents in this hazardous endeavour had to be cancelled because of poor enrollment.

How can we know if we are healthy?  When we find ourselves getting frustrated and upset we need to first check in with ourselves.  We know our kids have lots of challenges.  They will induce feelings of pain and abandonment in us.  They will unconsciously blame us for their abuse and neglect even if we were nowhere around.  We will experience trauma.  We will react and feel the pain, but we need to know in advance what we are going to do about these feelings.  We need strategies.

It is helpful for us to have some understanding about our own insecurities that may come from our early foundations.  What are the positives and negatives of how we were parented?  Even if we think that we had a perfect upbringing, it is important that we work through our own parenting before bringing children by adoption into our homes.  When it really comes down to it, many of us feel pretty unloved deep down.  We have never really accepted all of who we are, both the good and the bad.  Our foundation is a bit shakey.  Go to a counsellor to help with understanding our own selves with our unique backgrounds and propensities.  Join a group.  Talk through our own baggage and take it seriously.  Use all the ideas for our kids' self regulation and apply them to ourselves. Get regular exercise.  Dance.  Go for walks in nature.  Be mindful of all our senses and pay attention to their messages.    Learn to love ourselves.  Reparent the insecure child within us with love and forgiveness.  Breathe deeply.  Practice receiving as well as giving.  Connect and listen to God's voice in our own hearts.  Receive God's love for us just as we are.   Dig  our own roots deep into God's soil.  Allow His spirit in us to be a fountain of fresh water bringing love and understanding for ourselves even as we care for others.

So, for starters, as I slow down and simplify, I am going to grow in my ability to love and care for myself.  I am going to have time quietly to myself with God.  I am going to receive and accept God's unconditional love for me.    I am going to practice accepting and loving myself just as I am, all of me precious.  Allow myself to go to therapy when I feel I need some extra support and insight.  Be vulnerable with trusted friends and receive their love.  Journal.  Get regular exercise. Go for walks each evening with my husband.   Ask him for those back and foot massages for me.  Practice going within to the quiet space in my heart and being still and accepting in the empty silence with God.