It does take a village to raise a child. I think we all get the concept. Our kids need others who are not their parents who can help support them. People who will care for them and love them even when they can't tolerate us. We parents need community and family who will support us as we try to raise the kids and survive the best we can. The problem that I have run into is that in our fast paced culture where we are all trying to work, raise kids and do a million other things, it is difficult to find the village. It is difficult to be the village too. I would love to help care for other families more myself. We are an isolated bunch. It costs so much to live that we seem to have to work more. The kids are doing lots of activities, so they are not home much either. Often our extended families are scattered and maybe they were not too sure that we should be doing this adopting anyway. It seems like there is never enough time or energy. I often just feel run dry in the relationship energy department.
So where do we start to find the village? I must say the whole concept, though so important, makes me nervous and feel more than a little insecure. I have friends who have seemingly endless energy to develop meaningful community. I have wasted a whole lot of energy peeking over my shoulder at them and mulling over the things I haven't done to build community and that village.
So, I better get started. Start checking off the positive things I can do from my rather introverted self to try to build community. I smiled at the lady at the post office today, and chatted briefly. Check. I took some artichokes to share at work and spent a few minutes away from my paperwork to chat. Check. A beginning!
School. Maybe I can drive on that field trip. Get to know the teacher a bit. Pick the kids up and go into their classrooms once a week. Check.
Dance. Spend a minute to talk to the teacher and tell her how much the kids are enjoying dance. Check.
Church. We are fairly new, but the kids seem to know a few people already. Take them to the youth group where maybe they will get to know some kids and the leader. Check.
I do need to get better at seeing the village opportunities as they come alongside me and the family. The village has taken on different forms for each of our children. Some of these were designated godparents. Some have evolved naturally and others with significant intentionality on all sides. Some come into our lives often, and some just once in a while. One grandma bakes us cookies once a year. A friend takes the boys snowboarding. Another comes to the dance recitals. A neighbour has always been particularly close to one child. She remembers birthdays. Another neighbour loves building and has helped create forts. Another adoptive family has included older kids on adventures where the kids can help with their kids too. Foster families embrace the whole family. I just need to keep watching out and listening in my heart for the possibilities that work and do not overload me in the whole village department.
The kids by adoption have needed an extra boost in the area of relationships. No matter what the age of adoption, the reality of that primal wound of separation from birth parents is real. Their lives have a level of pain and trauma that has needed the help of skilled members of our village. I have brought in the resource of a therapist for them. For us it felt like starting the relationship with a family doctor. Maybe nothing specific to report right away, but a needed resource to keep a check on all our feelings and emotional health. Husband and I started these relationships for ourselves when the children first joined our family. We wanted the therapist's input and support for how to best support our children and ourselves. About a year after each placement we introduced the kids to the therapist as a resource person to talk to and help them with their hearts and feelings. We used different therapists for some of the children so they would have their own advocate. With some of the children there were significant issues to address. With one, we used the therapist as a person who could specially listen to her heart. She had never had anyone listen to her deeply and be interested in her as a person. She loved those sessions. For her, there were not many sessions, but she now has a relationship with someone who she feels deeply understands her and is her advocate. The children each feel that they have someone with expertise in feelings who can help them when they need it. In the heat of challenging and difficult problems, it is more difficult to consider getting help. Starting a new therapeutic relationship is scarey. We have tried to be proactive for those tumultous teen years. All of us can benefit from help understanding ourselves and our feelings at any stage. The relationships with moms and dads are more complicated for our kids. They need skilled advocates as part of their village.
Our village. Formed naturally and intentionally. Sometimes surprising and other times actively pursued. Watch for those gifts of people who are interested and engaged. Welcome whatever others can give. Start bit by bit building. Affirm the little steps. Give and receive. I am wondering if the village is more present than I can see. A gift to raise us all. The village.
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