That Primal Wound

Rarely a week goes by that I am not reminded in one way or another that our children by adoption carry a deep and most primal wound from their separation from their birth mother and families.  It is naive for us adoptive parents to discount the power of that event to shape their lives deeply.  The emotions that so deeply impact our children and us cannot be circumvented.  I am reminded of the children's book "Going on a Bear Hunt."  On that hunt the family could not go around the obstacles or over them or under them.  Our children cannot go around those deep emotions in their own lives.  Of course the impact of the wound is different for everyone, but there is a sense that at some time for our children they must wade deeply right through the pain of feelings of that primal wound.  For my children, the pain and the going through has different stages and depths through their life journeys so far.  We talk about the going through those feelings and I try to acknowledge and support them through the dark valleys of these times.

For each of my children there have been times when the pain of the primal wound is reflected in a primal run or escape.  Running away has had a deeper reality for my children by adoption than other kids.  I think of early times in the adoption process when a couple of my children would run ahead as fast as they could along a beach or on a family walk.  Several have gone through times of running away, not so much from our family, but from the pain held so deeply within their own souls and bodies.  There is some relief from the physical run but ultimately the source of the pain must be acknowledged and shared, sometimes often through the stages of life.  The pain cannot be escaped or discounted.  Our love and care as adoptive parents cannot take it away or cover it over.  Do not take it personally, and try to recognize its power and intensity for what it is.  The often subtle ways the emotional pain is expressed can be surprising to both our children and us.  We have needed wise help from those not so intimately bound with the pain to help recognize and guide us all through some of the emotional tsunami that has come from that deep quake in our children's souls.  There has been and will continue to be collateral damage and pain from those tsunamis.

I am learning to recognize some of the signs of that primal wound, but I am still often blindsided with my children by the raw power of emotional pain and the myriad ways it can be expressed.  Though often I am the target of that pain, together we stand remembering together the reality that the lonely path forward cannot be gone around, or over or under.  Together we must walk forward through the reality of that primal wound step by step, often feeling like we may be overtaken by its power or murky depths.  Take comfort that others are also going through this dangerous and risky journey.  The words of the Psalms often give us deep comfort.

Psalm 46 proclaims that God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.  There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God.  God is within her, she will not fall;  God will help her at break of day.  Be still and know that I am God:  The Lord Almighty is with us.

I pray that God might be that strength and wisdom for the deep foundational places of desolation and pain in our children and us who walk this road with them.  Actively seek and  embrace the human help that is available and pray for God's guidance to find the right people to help lead you.   We have needed the support and guidance of a wise psychologist who has been God's earthly hands to help us navigate through these powerful depths even for our own protection.  Be still.  Walk forward right through the pain knowing that it is God who may not make our paths straight, but never stops walking on those challenging paths right along with us.