Consequences

One of my kids is missing a dance lesson today.  A consequence for some unacceptable hitting behaviour last night.  She will help  gardening husband with outside chores while the dance lesson is on.  It is fun to be with husband and his box of treats that gets pulled out after each chore, but still missing a dance lesson is a big consequence.

There is lots of discussion about how consequences for some of our kids do not help in changing behaviour.  I actually agree with that perspective.  The kids have lost so much that one more loss only adds to their despair and anger.  More importantly, their brains do not neurologically make the connections between actions and consequences..

Nevertheless, it is still  difficult to know how to handle unacceptable behaviour.  This child has been with us for many years now.  She is a teen and is already up against logical consequences in school and life.  I do think it is part of our role now to start the long road teaching about consequences.  With repetition I am hoping it will gradually help make links.  Sometimes in total frustration we almost sell the family farm in our trying to get through to our kids.  I have been tempted  to cancel birthday parties and other very significant events as consequences that I thought would change behaviour.  The kids need those prized parties, so throwing away good things to try to teach a lesson can be very counterproductive.   I have to consider carefully  who is being punished as I contemplate different consequences.

Usually, too, parenting is a joint affair.  My husband and I do not always have the same approach.  We try to be as consistent as we can, but it is just not possible to always be together on every parenting decision.  That is also not necessarily negative for our kids.  They learn that within the same general guidelines, people are different.  Even their teachers and later employers will all have slightly different expectations.  Part of learning and growing is being able to learn from different people.  Our slightly different approaches in our home also gives balance and depth to our home.

Deep down, I am not sure that our child will actually really learn from the consequence today.  Our parenting is not perfect.  Nevertheless, we continue to try to make an impact and shape behaviour.  Sometimes we miss the mark.  Our decisions backfire.  Other times a new approach may bring about a surprising breakthrough.  Parenting some of our children really does need therapeutic help to help flesh out those guidelines and give perspective and help as parents to work together.  Find someone to help give you perspective and guidance.  At the same time, realize that there is often lots of leeway to make both positive and negative discipline decisions.  There is no one way to parent.  Be careful and thoughtful as you make  decisions, taking time to distance yourself from the frustrating event.  Then do go ahead and act.  Don't let the complications paralyze you as parents.  Watch and wonder as things continue to unfold.  Learn from what does work and what does not, just like in so many life decisions.