As I entered my workplace today my attention was immediately drawn to a spectacular Bead Tree. There in the middle of our common office area was a new tree growing. Hundreds of colourful strands of beads draped and hung gently to transform what once only held coats. It was an amazing sight. All day we were delighting in the beautiful colours. Expressive greens, forest and lime mixed with the blues of glacial lakes and unknown depths. Reds and oranges and rich purples reminding us of sun's glow. Each bead carefully fashioned from rolled paper and chosen with others to make exquisite necklaces and bracelets.
Adding to the delight is the dream behind the beads. Bead by bead, necklace by necklace, one of our number is following his heart and dream. It is not an easy or straightforward dream, but step by step he is heading forward to make a difference in the life of a child. The beads and necklaces are made in Africa where the dream began. Hidden in the daily living, but with powerful strength underneath, our colleague and his wife are climbing the mountain of adoption from Africa, just one step at a time.
I am reminded that dreams are like those necklaces. It takes time to fashion those colourful beads and then to carefully string them together. All the beads fit together to make the lovely necklace that then gives so much joy. Kids reaching for my necklace today. Colours radiating. Delight in small beauty.
Seek after your dreams, one bead at a time. Take those little steps along the way with joy and wonder. Let each unique bead be specially and carefully strung with the others to fashion the gift and direction of your special life. I am wearing a necklace of blue with love and prayer for all the lives touched both now and as the story unfolds. To dreams, to life, to Africa and to child not yet known I give my heart!
Wednesday, 31 October 2012
Monday, 29 October 2012
Great Joy
Today is a special day. It is the birth day of our flute playing fifteen year old daughter. She is a gifted writer and tells about her own birthday joy in her blog at crystalsmiracles.blogspot.ca. From our perspective, we are rejoicing because we have now had her in our hearts and lives for seven whole years. She has brought great joy to our family. In her heart she will always be an only child, but she is also our middle child, and as she loves to tell people, the oldest of the youngest four children. She was our first child by adoption and is truly a miracle child, like each one of our children. We will never forget the long process of adoption, starting with a quiet voice within encouraging us to "step out of the boat" and my tentative call to 1-877-ADOPT-07 on my 50th birthday. My husband was 64. We really had no idea whether we would be able to adopt, but we felt we at least wanted to be available if we would be a fit for a waiting child.
A year later, our daughter was proposed to us. My husband had not wanted to go to the matching event because he did not like the idea of choosing a child by appearance. He felt we had shared so much of ourselves with our social worker and we would let her and God find a match if it was meant to be. I must say, I would have liked to have gone to the Adoption Resource Event as I think it is a great opportunity to learn more and also to get known by other workers, but nevertheless, our worker went to the matching event alone. When she saw the video of our daughter something stirred in her heart and she immediately saw that child as ours. Our daughter was her first match as an adoption social worker. Through many ups and downs and changes along the way, that little girl in the video became our daughter. My husband clearly told me before our proposal meeting not to get carried away. We were to listen to the social worker, read the file, and think and pray about the proposal for a few weeks. I will never forget him sitting at the end of the table. After hearing about our daughter, he placed his hand on the enormous file, looked straight at the worker and exclaimed, "This is my girl." She certainly is. It did take time for her to bond. For almost a year she would not stay alone in the same room with my husband. He was patient and gentle and let her be. He did fill his pockets with candy and treats regularly. He still does. Finally she too could say, "This is my Dad!"
You ARE our daughter, our dear one. May you have a wonderful birthday and a special year ahead. We love you. You are a sparkling diamond of Colour, Radiance, Youth and Spunk. You bring us great joy.
A year later, our daughter was proposed to us. My husband had not wanted to go to the matching event because he did not like the idea of choosing a child by appearance. He felt we had shared so much of ourselves with our social worker and we would let her and God find a match if it was meant to be. I must say, I would have liked to have gone to the Adoption Resource Event as I think it is a great opportunity to learn more and also to get known by other workers, but nevertheless, our worker went to the matching event alone. When she saw the video of our daughter something stirred in her heart and she immediately saw that child as ours. Our daughter was her first match as an adoption social worker. Through many ups and downs and changes along the way, that little girl in the video became our daughter. My husband clearly told me before our proposal meeting not to get carried away. We were to listen to the social worker, read the file, and think and pray about the proposal for a few weeks. I will never forget him sitting at the end of the table. After hearing about our daughter, he placed his hand on the enormous file, looked straight at the worker and exclaimed, "This is my girl." She certainly is. It did take time for her to bond. For almost a year she would not stay alone in the same room with my husband. He was patient and gentle and let her be. He did fill his pockets with candy and treats regularly. He still does. Finally she too could say, "This is my Dad!"
You ARE our daughter, our dear one. May you have a wonderful birthday and a special year ahead. We love you. You are a sparkling diamond of Colour, Radiance, Youth and Spunk. You bring us great joy.
Sunday, 28 October 2012
Dolphins
One way that has been very helpful in settling the hearts and emotions of our children is to have them imagine being a favorite animal. Feeling themselves moving as the animal helps them learn to regulate and stabilize a bit like active meditative deep breathing and mindfulness helps adults.
A couple of our children love to imagine themselves as dolphins, leaping and swiftly swimming sleekly through the water. They like to feel the water, the speed and the warmth of the water. Like the dolphins, one of their favorite activities is swimming.
Swimming is a wonderful activity for many children and adults too! It is also an important life skill for us here on the West Coast, so I always try to arrange weekly swimming lessons for the kids here at home in either the fall or spring. Having the lessons gets us going to the pool regularly and I always make sure that they have play time before or after the lesson.
Moving and swimming through the water has brought significant healing to our children. It gives them a sense of grounded belonging in their bodies. I usually sit by the side of the pool. When the children first joined our family it gave a great opportunity for practicing eye contact. I would encourage the kids to watch for me. Every time they caught my eye I would give them a thumbs up or smile. They got used to looking to me for direction and praise across the pool deck. It also helped them learn some self regulation. Although I am sure others might have felt I was somewhat over-the-top in my parental control, when there was any sign of the children getting out of control or over excited, I would motion to them to come and sit with me until they were settled. They were well aware of the routine before hand, and it was an immediate time of closeness whenever things were getting too carried away. I wrapped them in a towel and gave them a firm hug of deep pressure to help them get grounded and stabilized before heading off to try again.
The lessons have also given the children practice following directions and listening to others. For many children this is overwhelming. The loud echoing environment of the pool is not good for all children, especially if they are sensitive to noise. Some of our older children have been volunteers to help with children who need an extra hand in the pool. One of our younger daughters for whom the pool has been very helpful is now excited about being able to volunteer herself.
Tonight I am off to pick up my now independent dolphins from the pool. What a great place of fun, healing and play.
A couple of our children love to imagine themselves as dolphins, leaping and swiftly swimming sleekly through the water. They like to feel the water, the speed and the warmth of the water. Like the dolphins, one of their favorite activities is swimming.
Swimming is a wonderful activity for many children and adults too! It is also an important life skill for us here on the West Coast, so I always try to arrange weekly swimming lessons for the kids here at home in either the fall or spring. Having the lessons gets us going to the pool regularly and I always make sure that they have play time before or after the lesson.
Moving and swimming through the water has brought significant healing to our children. It gives them a sense of grounded belonging in their bodies. I usually sit by the side of the pool. When the children first joined our family it gave a great opportunity for practicing eye contact. I would encourage the kids to watch for me. Every time they caught my eye I would give them a thumbs up or smile. They got used to looking to me for direction and praise across the pool deck. It also helped them learn some self regulation. Although I am sure others might have felt I was somewhat over-the-top in my parental control, when there was any sign of the children getting out of control or over excited, I would motion to them to come and sit with me until they were settled. They were well aware of the routine before hand, and it was an immediate time of closeness whenever things were getting too carried away. I wrapped them in a towel and gave them a firm hug of deep pressure to help them get grounded and stabilized before heading off to try again.
The lessons have also given the children practice following directions and listening to others. For many children this is overwhelming. The loud echoing environment of the pool is not good for all children, especially if they are sensitive to noise. Some of our older children have been volunteers to help with children who need an extra hand in the pool. One of our younger daughters for whom the pool has been very helpful is now excited about being able to volunteer herself.
Tonight I am off to pick up my now independent dolphins from the pool. What a great place of fun, healing and play.
Friday, 26 October 2012
Holding Patterns
A significant part of my work days are spent helping moms and dads learn how to hold their children. Many of the children that I work with are not easy to hold. Together we find ways that parents can not only begin to hold their children but also begin to bond with them. Sometimes children refuse to be held. We try to find creative ways to make connections and to strengthen those bonds.
We face the same challenges with our children here at home. Sometimes our kids need to learn to be held and we need to learn how to hold them in ways that are best for them. Sometimes they can only tolerate a hand on their shoulder at first. Often they need to be in control. My children have sometimes started the process of allowing themselves to be held by snuggling with our dog. They love to hold animals and often their hearts and bodies are softened through contact with them. Horse riding has been another way to give the children the warmth and receptivity of another living being close by in a way that is healthy and non threatening.
Sometimes physically holding our children and one another is just not possible for any number of reasons. I have been cultivating the habit of holding my children and those I care about in my heart. I keep space for them and surround them with my love and thoughts and prayers. I hold them in the arms of my soul. I visualize my heart as a lovely "great room" or garden with all those in my life enjoying the loving space and one another together.
I am learning how to enfold my own self in love too. That sometimes is quite a bit more tricky for me as often I am my own worst enemy. We are to love others as we love ourselves. I am keeping loving holding space of gentleness for myself these days too. My heart is more open and gentle to others when I do not ignore my own needs to be held carefully by myself. Like our children, we too need to learn to receive supportive holding by others, both in their hearts and in their arms.
Beyond and also intimately within all our earthly connections and our hearts God is there waiting for us with His open arms and heart. Today may I lean a little more into His holding love and rest.
We face the same challenges with our children here at home. Sometimes our kids need to learn to be held and we need to learn how to hold them in ways that are best for them. Sometimes they can only tolerate a hand on their shoulder at first. Often they need to be in control. My children have sometimes started the process of allowing themselves to be held by snuggling with our dog. They love to hold animals and often their hearts and bodies are softened through contact with them. Horse riding has been another way to give the children the warmth and receptivity of another living being close by in a way that is healthy and non threatening.
Sometimes physically holding our children and one another is just not possible for any number of reasons. I have been cultivating the habit of holding my children and those I care about in my heart. I keep space for them and surround them with my love and thoughts and prayers. I hold them in the arms of my soul. I visualize my heart as a lovely "great room" or garden with all those in my life enjoying the loving space and one another together.
I am learning how to enfold my own self in love too. That sometimes is quite a bit more tricky for me as often I am my own worst enemy. We are to love others as we love ourselves. I am keeping loving holding space of gentleness for myself these days too. My heart is more open and gentle to others when I do not ignore my own needs to be held carefully by myself. Like our children, we too need to learn to receive supportive holding by others, both in their hearts and in their arms.
Beyond and also intimately within all our earthly connections and our hearts God is there waiting for us with His open arms and heart. Today may I lean a little more into His holding love and rest.
Wednesday, 24 October 2012
Food for Thought
Food feeds both our physical and emotional bodies and souls. I have been inspired this week by a good friend. She and her family have eaten for a week on twenty six dollars each. This is the amount that most people living on welfare have left over for food after paying rent and utilities. I have followed the food journey of my friend and her family closely. I have been inspired and challenged by their personal involvement in the lives of many in creative ways over the years, and this week was no exception. The whole point is to advocate for those trying to survive on welfare.
For the people joining in the welfare food challenge and even those of us following along with them, it certainly was an eye opening week. Food impacts all levels of our being and lack of it can be crippling to people already marginalized. My friends are people of thought and many personal strengths. They found the week hard. Eating was no longer enjoyable. They felt stuffed with carbohydrates and fats. More time was spent focussed on food. Even their relationships shifted as they tried to support their children and one another.
All the children who have joined our family as older children have issues with food. Each child had experiences of being hungry. Food was full of sugar, carbohydrates and fat for them as they were growing up. McDonald's is their comfort food of choice. One daughter has started blogging and I have noticed how central food is in her heart writing and experience. When she first came to live with us she would only eat bread and milk and Chicken McNuggets. We had to enlist her cooperation to add food gradually to her repertoire after a few months. Each new food item was written on the big family calendar to introduce weeks in advance. She still has a limited range of foods that she can eat. Another of our children stuffs food into her mouth without thinking or stopping to breathe. She is completely unaware of quantity or taste. She remembers being hungry all the time as a child. For another child who went through a couple of adoption disruptions some of her central memories are around being forced to eat new foods that she did not like. Being made to eat a tuna sandwich was a central deal breaker with one family.
Food has been a symbol of empty bloating and soul less carbohydrates for our children. We have had to go slowly as we have tried to bring healthy sustenance to the food our children eat. We have started by involving them in the preparation and even the planning and buying of healthy soul full food. We have baked and prepared hearty foods together, working side by side. We still indulge in the deep rooted comfort foods at McDonald's every so often, but the children are beginning to love the fresh grainy breads and potato vegetable soups that are prepared together with produce from the garden and love in relationship of working together. It does take time and money to be creative and soul full in our eating. Eating is a way that we can enjoy receiving nourishment for the health and well being of our bodies and spirits. It is an ordinary part of our lives that with a little creativity can bring great life richness.
As a family we are trying to be aware of sustainable eating with health and in relationship. With our friend's welfare food challenge in mind we want to share with others too. We have helped make sandwiches each week for soup kitchens and we do want to care for those all around us struggling to make ends meet who have limited food choices. We want to advocate for those for whom life seems to bring little nourishment or sustenance both in food and relationship.
Food is both an ordinary and also a deeply profound part of our lives as human beings. I want to be creatively proactive in bringing the nourishment and sustenance of heart and soul food full of colour, texture and variety into the lives of my family and friends.
For the people joining in the welfare food challenge and even those of us following along with them, it certainly was an eye opening week. Food impacts all levels of our being and lack of it can be crippling to people already marginalized. My friends are people of thought and many personal strengths. They found the week hard. Eating was no longer enjoyable. They felt stuffed with carbohydrates and fats. More time was spent focussed on food. Even their relationships shifted as they tried to support their children and one another.
All the children who have joined our family as older children have issues with food. Each child had experiences of being hungry. Food was full of sugar, carbohydrates and fat for them as they were growing up. McDonald's is their comfort food of choice. One daughter has started blogging and I have noticed how central food is in her heart writing and experience. When she first came to live with us she would only eat bread and milk and Chicken McNuggets. We had to enlist her cooperation to add food gradually to her repertoire after a few months. Each new food item was written on the big family calendar to introduce weeks in advance. She still has a limited range of foods that she can eat. Another of our children stuffs food into her mouth without thinking or stopping to breathe. She is completely unaware of quantity or taste. She remembers being hungry all the time as a child. For another child who went through a couple of adoption disruptions some of her central memories are around being forced to eat new foods that she did not like. Being made to eat a tuna sandwich was a central deal breaker with one family.
Food has been a symbol of empty bloating and soul less carbohydrates for our children. We have had to go slowly as we have tried to bring healthy sustenance to the food our children eat. We have started by involving them in the preparation and even the planning and buying of healthy soul full food. We have baked and prepared hearty foods together, working side by side. We still indulge in the deep rooted comfort foods at McDonald's every so often, but the children are beginning to love the fresh grainy breads and potato vegetable soups that are prepared together with produce from the garden and love in relationship of working together. It does take time and money to be creative and soul full in our eating. Eating is a way that we can enjoy receiving nourishment for the health and well being of our bodies and spirits. It is an ordinary part of our lives that with a little creativity can bring great life richness.
As a family we are trying to be aware of sustainable eating with health and in relationship. With our friend's welfare food challenge in mind we want to share with others too. We have helped make sandwiches each week for soup kitchens and we do want to care for those all around us struggling to make ends meet who have limited food choices. We want to advocate for those for whom life seems to bring little nourishment or sustenance both in food and relationship.
Food is both an ordinary and also a deeply profound part of our lives as human beings. I want to be creatively proactive in bringing the nourishment and sustenance of heart and soul food full of colour, texture and variety into the lives of my family and friends.
Tuesday, 23 October 2012
Middle "C"
Music is deep soul food for me and for my family. It is a rich grounder and stabilizer for us all. There is a lot of research that also echoes my own heart. Music, beat and rhythm impact the most foundational part of the brain stem and help build and solidify us from this deep core of our being.
Once again this week music has given me a fresh point of reference. Our family CD player has not worked well for a while and somehow I have not taken the time to be refreshed by a variety of music played. I had a day at home and got the music playing again. I reached for some stabilizing Baroque as I worked away. It was reviving and soul filling for me, bringing back many memories of earlier times.
We have tried to incorporate music as part of the fabric of our family life in a variety of ways. Most of the kids have had piano lessons. For those joining us later in their lives we have been able to join group music classes. In the fragmentation and disorganization of their hearts, the music has been an important part of their healing. Just knowing that middle C does not change and is constant with B before and D after is somehow helpful in bringing order to chaotic lives.
A couple of children play the violin. The vibration of this string instrument brings its own energy healing and they always feel much happier and more integrated after playing. Our psychologist sometimes sends us home with bubbles to blow to help with our breathing. Similarly, our flute and trumpet player also feel so much better after playing. I think the diaphragmatic breathing and breath control bring another level of control and life to these kids.
Another son was very traumatized early in school. He and my husband took drum lessons together. I continue to love the beat of the drums! All the kids love picking up the African drums and feeling the beat.
Singing is also a great way to express and to feel deep vibration and soul heart. I work with kids and actually sing songs to my kids most of the day. I often continue that at home. Certainly a song can express a lot more than yelling ever did! I have looked out for choirs and places for all the kids to sing. Even for a term singing has been a great outlet. A Christmas choir several years ago brought a huge level of breakthrough and healing for one of our daughters. I sing along with the music on the car radio too, much to the dismay of my kids. Sometimes in my enjoyment of the beat I have no idea what I am singing. The kids keep me on track. Wonderful that they notice the words! We have had some great conversations unpacking those less than desirable lyrics that I was blasting out without thinking!
As I write, I am also laughing realistically as the cacophany of all kinds of music reverberates through those earphones and our car stereo. Not always integrating and healing! The violin, drums and trumpet are not always restful to have blasting off key either. Music brings back both good and bad memories for our kids too. Some music we avoid because of the harsh memories brought back.
Still, this week I have been reminded again of music's power and healing. Another way to connect and communicate. I am encouraged again to sing my youngest to sleep and to keep that CD player playing with a wide variety of music to enrich us all.
Once again this week music has given me a fresh point of reference. Our family CD player has not worked well for a while and somehow I have not taken the time to be refreshed by a variety of music played. I had a day at home and got the music playing again. I reached for some stabilizing Baroque as I worked away. It was reviving and soul filling for me, bringing back many memories of earlier times.
We have tried to incorporate music as part of the fabric of our family life in a variety of ways. Most of the kids have had piano lessons. For those joining us later in their lives we have been able to join group music classes. In the fragmentation and disorganization of their hearts, the music has been an important part of their healing. Just knowing that middle C does not change and is constant with B before and D after is somehow helpful in bringing order to chaotic lives.
A couple of children play the violin. The vibration of this string instrument brings its own energy healing and they always feel much happier and more integrated after playing. Our psychologist sometimes sends us home with bubbles to blow to help with our breathing. Similarly, our flute and trumpet player also feel so much better after playing. I think the diaphragmatic breathing and breath control bring another level of control and life to these kids.
Another son was very traumatized early in school. He and my husband took drum lessons together. I continue to love the beat of the drums! All the kids love picking up the African drums and feeling the beat.
Singing is also a great way to express and to feel deep vibration and soul heart. I work with kids and actually sing songs to my kids most of the day. I often continue that at home. Certainly a song can express a lot more than yelling ever did! I have looked out for choirs and places for all the kids to sing. Even for a term singing has been a great outlet. A Christmas choir several years ago brought a huge level of breakthrough and healing for one of our daughters. I sing along with the music on the car radio too, much to the dismay of my kids. Sometimes in my enjoyment of the beat I have no idea what I am singing. The kids keep me on track. Wonderful that they notice the words! We have had some great conversations unpacking those less than desirable lyrics that I was blasting out without thinking!
As I write, I am also laughing realistically as the cacophany of all kinds of music reverberates through those earphones and our car stereo. Not always integrating and healing! The violin, drums and trumpet are not always restful to have blasting off key either. Music brings back both good and bad memories for our kids too. Some music we avoid because of the harsh memories brought back.
Still, this week I have been reminded again of music's power and healing. Another way to connect and communicate. I am encouraged again to sing my youngest to sleep and to keep that CD player playing with a wide variety of music to enrich us all.
Monday, 22 October 2012
Jumbled Feelings
Trumpet playing exclamation mark daughter really loved all her sessions with a psychologist. She has internalized many of the ideas shared with her to help her cope with the challenges she faces. Like everything she does, she takes all that she has learned one step further! Yesterday she found a huge unused white board and set up a feelings chart, colour coded and labelled for the entire week ahead. Today was a multicolour day of jumbled feelings. I am not at all surprised.
Celebration days are not easy for many children. Gotcha days also bring up sadness and feelings for the birth and foster families, previous adopted families and other foster siblings left. For our daughter too, last year we planned a funeral service for her mom on the day before her Gotcha day. Her mom died several years ago under tragic circumstances, but our daughter had never had a chance to formally remember her mom in a service, so we had a lovely family service. She wrote notes on helium balloons to send to heaven. She burned a card where she had written a longer letter to her mom. We read a passage from the Bible that had been given to our daughter by her birth grandma. We prayed. We ate an ice cream cake inscribed with "I love you, MOM" on it.
I had forgotten that we had linked the memorial service and the Gotcha Day so close together last year. I guess the thought was to acknowledge the unfinished grieving before the Gotcha Day joy. Our daughter did not forget. Added to this was the death of her friend's dad last week. We took pizza and helium balloons to the friend yesterday too. Our daughter was well aware of the close link with her own grief and that of her friend. We saved one balloon for our daughter and she used a sharpie to write a note to her own mom too.
Even though our exclamation mark girl appears confident in so many situations, underneath it all, like so many of us, she struggles. She does not like to be singled out for attention. She always has a hard time with birthdays too. We discovered the hard way that big birthday parties are not the way to go for her.
Grieving is never something that we complete fully. It is an ongoing process like so many things in life. Jumbled feelings are to be expected too. Our daughter is always comforted that we do not expect her to have unencumbered joy in all the celebrations of life. Life is so much more complicated than that. There is relief in knowing that is alright. I want to allow our kids be comfortable with the wide range of feelings that celebrations can bring.
Celebration days are not easy for many children. Gotcha days also bring up sadness and feelings for the birth and foster families, previous adopted families and other foster siblings left. For our daughter too, last year we planned a funeral service for her mom on the day before her Gotcha day. Her mom died several years ago under tragic circumstances, but our daughter had never had a chance to formally remember her mom in a service, so we had a lovely family service. She wrote notes on helium balloons to send to heaven. She burned a card where she had written a longer letter to her mom. We read a passage from the Bible that had been given to our daughter by her birth grandma. We prayed. We ate an ice cream cake inscribed with "I love you, MOM" on it.
I had forgotten that we had linked the memorial service and the Gotcha Day so close together last year. I guess the thought was to acknowledge the unfinished grieving before the Gotcha Day joy. Our daughter did not forget. Added to this was the death of her friend's dad last week. We took pizza and helium balloons to the friend yesterday too. Our daughter was well aware of the close link with her own grief and that of her friend. We saved one balloon for our daughter and she used a sharpie to write a note to her own mom too.
Even though our exclamation mark girl appears confident in so many situations, underneath it all, like so many of us, she struggles. She does not like to be singled out for attention. She always has a hard time with birthdays too. We discovered the hard way that big birthday parties are not the way to go for her.
Grieving is never something that we complete fully. It is an ongoing process like so many things in life. Jumbled feelings are to be expected too. Our daughter is always comforted that we do not expect her to have unencumbered joy in all the celebrations of life. Life is so much more complicated than that. There is relief in knowing that is alright. I want to allow our kids be comfortable with the wide range of feelings that celebrations can bring.
Sunday, 21 October 2012
Happy Gotcha Day!
Our emphatic exclamation mark on the end of our family sentence has been with us for two years now. With a trumpet blast we celebrate our darling daughter! "We love you and treasure you! Happy Gotcha Day!"
It was quite a journey to adopt our precious youngest daughter. Even the day before she was to formally move in we were told all the papers were not signed and we would have to wait. She had already said goodbye to her previous school and the new school was waiting. She was all moved in. From her perspective she had already waited more than two years to be reunited with her foster sisters and our family who she had chosen in her heart all those years ago. I told the authorities that they could put me in jail. My husband told them that he was on his way to the newspaper to tell our story. The papers got signed.
Sometimes adoption is not straightforward. The hearts of our children are as complicated as ours. We hear stories of adoptive parents knowing in their hearts that certain children belong to them. We seldom hear stories of the children choosing. We often do not take into consideration the incredibly strong sibling bonds that are often forged in foster care. Against all odds with some significant cultural roadblocks, our daughter ended up where her heart was calling. It was not without pain, suffering and perseverance for many along the way, including her social workers!
She certainly is a most wonderful treasure and gem in our family. Eager and active. Full of life and ideas, both great and sometimes not so great. She is a moving ship on the sea of life. I love that about her even when it gets her into trouble.
We celebrate you today darling. We are incredibly thankful for you.
We will have corn pops for breakfast, canned mini ravioli for lunch, and KFC for dinner just as you requested. Today is our day of celebration. Congratulations and thanks to all!
It was quite a journey to adopt our precious youngest daughter. Even the day before she was to formally move in we were told all the papers were not signed and we would have to wait. She had already said goodbye to her previous school and the new school was waiting. She was all moved in. From her perspective she had already waited more than two years to be reunited with her foster sisters and our family who she had chosen in her heart all those years ago. I told the authorities that they could put me in jail. My husband told them that he was on his way to the newspaper to tell our story. The papers got signed.
Sometimes adoption is not straightforward. The hearts of our children are as complicated as ours. We hear stories of adoptive parents knowing in their hearts that certain children belong to them. We seldom hear stories of the children choosing. We often do not take into consideration the incredibly strong sibling bonds that are often forged in foster care. Against all odds with some significant cultural roadblocks, our daughter ended up where her heart was calling. It was not without pain, suffering and perseverance for many along the way, including her social workers!
She certainly is a most wonderful treasure and gem in our family. Eager and active. Full of life and ideas, both great and sometimes not so great. She is a moving ship on the sea of life. I love that about her even when it gets her into trouble.
We celebrate you today darling. We are incredibly thankful for you.
We will have corn pops for breakfast, canned mini ravioli for lunch, and KFC for dinner just as you requested. Today is our day of celebration. Congratulations and thanks to all!
Saturday, 20 October 2012
Sweet Billions
Here it is almost the end of October and we are still eating little tomatoes by the handful. Four big plants have produced what seems like billions of these tasty delights. I am thinking of writing to the seed company to change the name from Sweet Millions to Sweet Billions. In early May it looked like there would be no tomatoes. Gardener husband replanted tomato plants four times. It was cold and wet and we sure needed persistence. We were discouraged. We almost scrapped the idea of a garden altogether. Now here we are, constantly astonished by the fruitfulness of these vines that are pulled up under the eves at the front of the house, a green veil in front of our eating area windows, stretching from the ground seven feet up to the roof. This year even the usual fall blight has not descended to ruin the crop, but certainly early on we thought there would be no fruit.
As I look out through the green screen of plants with surprise orange and red delights, I am reminded that the early beginnings may not be indicators of later fruitfulness. Keep being persistent. Push through those really hard times. Keep on watering and enriching the soil as best as you can. Pull the plants up close to the house with a bit of protection. Surprisingly, sometimes the fruit will still come a little late. Each day as I smell the tomatoey freshness and pick yet another batch of firm tasty fruit, I am encouraged. In my own kids I am watching out for those unique fruits that each produce, praying for a receptive heart to recognize their growth. A moment of kindness. A smile that lights the room. A lovely picture drawn. Fruits of persistence emerging.
As I look out through the green screen of plants with surprise orange and red delights, I am reminded that the early beginnings may not be indicators of later fruitfulness. Keep being persistent. Push through those really hard times. Keep on watering and enriching the soil as best as you can. Pull the plants up close to the house with a bit of protection. Surprisingly, sometimes the fruit will still come a little late. Each day as I smell the tomatoey freshness and pick yet another batch of firm tasty fruit, I am encouraged. In my own kids I am watching out for those unique fruits that each produce, praying for a receptive heart to recognize their growth. A moment of kindness. A smile that lights the room. A lovely picture drawn. Fruits of persistence emerging.
Friday, 19 October 2012
Inspiring in Life and Death
Yesterday my three youngest daughters and I went to the memorial service of a man that I have never met. He was the Dad of one of the girls' friends. He had been very sick for many years and it has been a long road for him and for his wife and daughter who have stood with him all the way. I was not expecting the depth of inspiration that we would all come away with from this tragic and sad loss. I feel like I made a new friend through his death.
Each of my daughters have also lost a parent through death and have not had the opportunity to fully grieve those losses. We all had little bits of our own grieving helped along as we joined in the grieving and remembering of this ordinary but extraordinary man that we have never met. We listened to wonderful stories. We laughed. We cried.
He lived and died well. His motto was to "Live while you are alive."
I came away feeling thankful for all the little things that do make up our lives. Those funny eccentricities that we all have. The smiles. The tears. The moments of ordinary.
His was not an ordinary life. His death was dreadfully premature. He suffered much more than most. He lived the life he was given as fully as he could. He loved his family and God. Enough. More than enough.
Thank you for sharing your life and your death yesterday. Now may the rest of us get up and live the life we have been given the best we can.
Each of my daughters have also lost a parent through death and have not had the opportunity to fully grieve those losses. We all had little bits of our own grieving helped along as we joined in the grieving and remembering of this ordinary but extraordinary man that we have never met. We listened to wonderful stories. We laughed. We cried.
He lived and died well. His motto was to "Live while you are alive."
I came away feeling thankful for all the little things that do make up our lives. Those funny eccentricities that we all have. The smiles. The tears. The moments of ordinary.
His was not an ordinary life. His death was dreadfully premature. He suffered much more than most. He lived the life he was given as fully as he could. He loved his family and God. Enough. More than enough.
Thank you for sharing your life and your death yesterday. Now may the rest of us get up and live the life we have been given the best we can.
Wednesday, 17 October 2012
The Volleyball Game
My three youngest daughters are on a volleyball team at their school. They call them the power girls. They are full of energy and determination. They hit that ball hard. Not always in the right direction or with measured force, but with power. I was sure one of my girl's hits was going to go right through the roof yesterday. Just as well they are at a small school where the boys and girls have to combine forces to make a team for the boy's league.
One of the girls is particularly eager both on the volleyball court and in life. Someone told her they would have to do push ups if they did not go for the ball, so go for the ball she does. She plays the game like she is the only person on the court, running from corner to corner, banging into everyone in her way. Of course the ball never gets over the net and the other team members are frustrated, but my daughter does not notice. At least she goes for the ball and hopes she will not have to do push ups.
Actually, eager daughter reminds me of myself. I do not get the fact that I have my own special corner of the court to play in. I always feel that I have to be involved all over the court of life. I inadvertently push others aside in an attempt to be sure that I play the ball and can be the centre of the action. Somehow I cannot trust that if I take care of my own area then that will help the whole team play together effectively. I feel guilty and ineffective if I am not running wildly all over. I always feel like I can never do quite enough.
I want to learn to settle down and be content in my own corner. Sometimes the boundary lines of involvement are not clear. I am never quite sure where those lines are. I am trying to more effectively listen to my own heart and God's still voice there. I am seeking out coaches who I respect to give me perspective and insight. I am trying to be more sensitive to the feelings of those around me. I have powerful eagerness too. Now I just need to work on refining how I play this game called life.
One of the girls is particularly eager both on the volleyball court and in life. Someone told her they would have to do push ups if they did not go for the ball, so go for the ball she does. She plays the game like she is the only person on the court, running from corner to corner, banging into everyone in her way. Of course the ball never gets over the net and the other team members are frustrated, but my daughter does not notice. At least she goes for the ball and hopes she will not have to do push ups.
Actually, eager daughter reminds me of myself. I do not get the fact that I have my own special corner of the court to play in. I always feel that I have to be involved all over the court of life. I inadvertently push others aside in an attempt to be sure that I play the ball and can be the centre of the action. Somehow I cannot trust that if I take care of my own area then that will help the whole team play together effectively. I feel guilty and ineffective if I am not running wildly all over. I always feel like I can never do quite enough.
I want to learn to settle down and be content in my own corner. Sometimes the boundary lines of involvement are not clear. I am never quite sure where those lines are. I am trying to more effectively listen to my own heart and God's still voice there. I am seeking out coaches who I respect to give me perspective and insight. I am trying to be more sensitive to the feelings of those around me. I have powerful eagerness too. Now I just need to work on refining how I play this game called life.
Tuesday, 16 October 2012
Miracles Tucked Away
Carefully treasured in the heart of October is a very special day for me. It is the shared birthday of two of my daughters, born many years apart but joined forever in the unique gift of their amazing hearts and lives that bless our family deeply. I marvel at the similarity of their loving and sensitive hearts and their bright, organized and caring ways. They have so tenderly and thoughtfully been such special daughters and older sisters to so many. The day of their birth shared is a miracle of God's faithful care and love for me. It is a constant reminder of His love.
I married well into my thirties and thought that marriage to my husband would mean that I would never have children. I was hopeful that we could share the joy of the children from his first marriage, grown by the time we married. I entered those relationships gently, without expectation and full of concerns about all the negative fables of step relationships. Over many years now I am still constantly surprised and blessed by the way that both those children have deeply adopted me and given me a place in their hearts. Our oldest daughter has been incredibly generous in her outpouring of love for me beyond any of my expectations. It was no accident that our next daughter was born on her birthday. What an amazing gift as our miracle child was born on our oldest daughter's special day. Somehow it sealed deeply our love and relationship, giving deep hope and encouragement for the new beginnings of birth coming from struggle and pain and disconnection. Connection and love forever bound and tucked away in October. Happy birthday to my two oldest daughters who bring such wonder and joy to my life. God bless you deeply and richly.
I married well into my thirties and thought that marriage to my husband would mean that I would never have children. I was hopeful that we could share the joy of the children from his first marriage, grown by the time we married. I entered those relationships gently, without expectation and full of concerns about all the negative fables of step relationships. Over many years now I am still constantly surprised and blessed by the way that both those children have deeply adopted me and given me a place in their hearts. Our oldest daughter has been incredibly generous in her outpouring of love for me beyond any of my expectations. It was no accident that our next daughter was born on her birthday. What an amazing gift as our miracle child was born on our oldest daughter's special day. Somehow it sealed deeply our love and relationship, giving deep hope and encouragement for the new beginnings of birth coming from struggle and pain and disconnection. Connection and love forever bound and tucked away in October. Happy birthday to my two oldest daughters who bring such wonder and joy to my life. God bless you deeply and richly.
Monday, 15 October 2012
ReConnection!
Whew! We are reconnected. Our modem at home broke after ten reliable years. Its faithful service was certainly a connection that I took for granted until it was gone. I was not sure for a few days what was causing the problem. I even priced new computers. Finally I called the server and the technician immediately pinpointed the modem as the culprit. We waited for several days for a new one to be delivered. I am astonished at how disconnected we were without this one important piece of technology. So much of our communication with the far-flung children is through the computer. Even parent teacher interviews can only be set up on line.
Reconnection. A great feeling all round. If only all our connections were always as magically simple as the WiFi. We all have so many levels of connection that can so easy be broken. Sometimes these breaks are forever. Other times just for a season. Our community is reeling this week as another of our teens committed suicide. Connections tragically severed. Families bonds so often broken. Divorces. Kids removed from homes. Kids leaving homes. Brokenness, pain and disconnection are part of our human reality.
Reconnection may not be possible, but there are always opportunities to grow and learn from even the most tragic pain of bonds broken. There have been many times that I have not known where to start to make connections. Often prayer is my first and last hope. Sometimes I have to let go of one hope for connection in order to find fullness in another. Sometimes there are other things I can do. Letters written and burned with ashes and heart sent to heaven. Apologies made. Special times together arranged. Tiny steps toward healing started. I need to ground myself. Connect with myself and with God. Listen within for the still small voice among the clanging cacophony of pain. Sometimes the connections we hope for may not happen. May we all be open to hope for new and surprising connection and growth in other ways. To somehow reconnect in both the death and life of brokenness and hope.
Reconnection. A great feeling all round. If only all our connections were always as magically simple as the WiFi. We all have so many levels of connection that can so easy be broken. Sometimes these breaks are forever. Other times just for a season. Our community is reeling this week as another of our teens committed suicide. Connections tragically severed. Families bonds so often broken. Divorces. Kids removed from homes. Kids leaving homes. Brokenness, pain and disconnection are part of our human reality.
Reconnection may not be possible, but there are always opportunities to grow and learn from even the most tragic pain of bonds broken. There have been many times that I have not known where to start to make connections. Often prayer is my first and last hope. Sometimes I have to let go of one hope for connection in order to find fullness in another. Sometimes there are other things I can do. Letters written and burned with ashes and heart sent to heaven. Apologies made. Special times together arranged. Tiny steps toward healing started. I need to ground myself. Connect with myself and with God. Listen within for the still small voice among the clanging cacophony of pain. Sometimes the connections we hope for may not happen. May we all be open to hope for new and surprising connection and growth in other ways. To somehow reconnect in both the death and life of brokenness and hope.
Monday, 8 October 2012
Psychology 100
Another delightful part of our weekend was being taught psychology 100 as another far-flung son returned home. He has a very sensitive and inquisitive heart and his psychology class has deeply impacted him. He is a great teacher and loves sharing everything that he is learning about the low and high way of thinking, dreams, twin studies, and nature versus nuture. Do you know that chronic lateness may be a genetic disposition?
Life in our home with the challenges of adding family members in unconventional ways, facing the deep wounds and darkness of life, over-stressed parents and the like has not been easy for any of the children. I think this psychology class is helping my son to understand some of the dynamics of his own childhood. It is filling in some pieces for him and bringing some understanding and authenticity to his own very often confused and mixed feelings.
I am often asked how adopting children has impacted all the children in our home. It would be naive to think that it does not add a significant level of stress and emotional challenge to all the children. We have adopted four older children, so each new addition has deeply affected both the birth and the other adopted children. The dynamics are not always positive. There have been times that I have really grieved for the emotional scars that both my own stress and the challenges of our family dynamics have brought to all the children. There are some things that I would have done very differently if I had a chance to do it all again. One of those things would have been to give the children already in the home more support as the new children settled in. It is never too late and I am now very aware of giving support and offering therapeutic intervention to help untangle mixed emotions, but certainly I wish I had done more at the time.
Feelings and emotions are so tangled and complicated even in ordinary families. In families where children are adopted, there is much more to process and sort out. It is made even more difficult by the overlay of guilt that somehow we should all be helping to care for others even when we do not feel like it and our own souls and needs are crying out in pain.
So, for now, I pray and encourage all my kids to keep processing and talking, sifting through all the baggage of their unique family background. I am intentionally supportive and ever hopeful that they will all become even more caring and thoughtful human beings because of this difficult part of their lives. I am extremely proud of each of them, and am cheering them on as they go forward step by step growing in all the emotional, mental, spiritual and physical areas of their lives. I am delighted that my psychology son is so engaged and excited about all he is learning. Keep unravelling those secrets of the mind and heart, my son!
Life in our home with the challenges of adding family members in unconventional ways, facing the deep wounds and darkness of life, over-stressed parents and the like has not been easy for any of the children. I think this psychology class is helping my son to understand some of the dynamics of his own childhood. It is filling in some pieces for him and bringing some understanding and authenticity to his own very often confused and mixed feelings.
I am often asked how adopting children has impacted all the children in our home. It would be naive to think that it does not add a significant level of stress and emotional challenge to all the children. We have adopted four older children, so each new addition has deeply affected both the birth and the other adopted children. The dynamics are not always positive. There have been times that I have really grieved for the emotional scars that both my own stress and the challenges of our family dynamics have brought to all the children. There are some things that I would have done very differently if I had a chance to do it all again. One of those things would have been to give the children already in the home more support as the new children settled in. It is never too late and I am now very aware of giving support and offering therapeutic intervention to help untangle mixed emotions, but certainly I wish I had done more at the time.
Feelings and emotions are so tangled and complicated even in ordinary families. In families where children are adopted, there is much more to process and sort out. It is made even more difficult by the overlay of guilt that somehow we should all be helping to care for others even when we do not feel like it and our own souls and needs are crying out in pain.
So, for now, I pray and encourage all my kids to keep processing and talking, sifting through all the baggage of their unique family background. I am intentionally supportive and ever hopeful that they will all become even more caring and thoughtful human beings because of this difficult part of their lives. I am extremely proud of each of them, and am cheering them on as they go forward step by step growing in all the emotional, mental, spiritual and physical areas of their lives. I am delighted that my psychology son is so engaged and excited about all he is learning. Keep unravelling those secrets of the mind and heart, my son!
Sunday, 7 October 2012
Expansive Thankfulness
A big part of my weekend has been in a soccer stadium. I actually love watching soccer, and this weekend was particularly fun as it is not often that I can cheer for far flung son doing one of the things he loves most. It was high level soccer with some of the best teams in the country. I noticed that the leading team was expansive in their play. I am not sure of the soccer lingo, but as I watched, it seemed like they played a wide game. Their players were spread apart and yet they were still in good communication. They passed the ball to one another confidently, freely and with trust and had a wide range of strategies of play. They have played together for years and have intentionally put hard work into their communication and their skills. They have made playing the game together a priority in their lives. They have learned how to be expansive in their play. They have a strong core of experience and commitment in their team and the younger players are carefully transitioned and mentored into the wide perspective of play.
Sometimes I notice in my own life that I live a limited and narrow game of life. I am afraid to reach out too far. I am scattered and not disciplined in my priorities. I tightly control and hold onto the ball way too much and do not use my whole team on the big field of life. If one way of doing things works well, I do not take the risk to try new strategic ways of living. My heart is narrow and conservative in its range.
Some of my children are limited in their ability to think and feel expansively too. They have been deeply wounded and their brains and hearts work only in one tight and rather unpredictable corner.
Part of my role as one of the coaches of this family is to help my family team think and play expansively. I need to start with myself, making sure that I am healthy with a wide range of well thought through and realistic strategies. I need to open my own heart and to make my family a priority. We need to practice our skills in a wide range of environments. I need to know the strengths and weaknesses of my team, helping each person to meet their own potential and to be a full functioning member of the team. It takes skill, time and commitment. Nobody said it would be easy.
Today is Thanksgiving. I want to start with an expansive thankfulness for all the blessings of this day. I am the co-coach of this one family team. A thankful attitude starts with me. It can be learned, practiced, shared and communicated in a whole variety of ways. I'm aiming for a wide and expansive heart game. I am starting today with wide playing thankfulness to God and to the team around me.
Happy Thanksgiving to all on your own unique playing fields today.
Sometimes I notice in my own life that I live a limited and narrow game of life. I am afraid to reach out too far. I am scattered and not disciplined in my priorities. I tightly control and hold onto the ball way too much and do not use my whole team on the big field of life. If one way of doing things works well, I do not take the risk to try new strategic ways of living. My heart is narrow and conservative in its range.
Some of my children are limited in their ability to think and feel expansively too. They have been deeply wounded and their brains and hearts work only in one tight and rather unpredictable corner.
Part of my role as one of the coaches of this family is to help my family team think and play expansively. I need to start with myself, making sure that I am healthy with a wide range of well thought through and realistic strategies. I need to open my own heart and to make my family a priority. We need to practice our skills in a wide range of environments. I need to know the strengths and weaknesses of my team, helping each person to meet their own potential and to be a full functioning member of the team. It takes skill, time and commitment. Nobody said it would be easy.
Today is Thanksgiving. I want to start with an expansive thankfulness for all the blessings of this day. I am the co-coach of this one family team. A thankful attitude starts with me. It can be learned, practiced, shared and communicated in a whole variety of ways. I'm aiming for a wide and expansive heart game. I am starting today with wide playing thankfulness to God and to the team around me.
Happy Thanksgiving to all on your own unique playing fields today.
Friday, 5 October 2012
Double Blessing Thankfulness!
Eighteen years ago today I gave birth to two unique and very special boys.
We had discovered that we were having twins months before. After several miscarriages we had an early ultrasound and it was impossible to ignore the smile on the face of the technician. Two little specks wiggling. We laughed and have not stopped the sense of fun and laughter since that day!
Two individuals, now far flung, heading off on adventures of their own. Both are coming home tomorrow and we are excited. For one, our birthday celebration will be watching him on the soccer field for the first time this year. We will be cheering mostly for the birthday heart! For the other, an exam and then a trip across the sea to join us for cake and fun after the soccer.
We love you both and are wishing you a most amazing year in this significant time of newness and adventure. La Chaim! To your lives with our love! We are full of thankfulness for you. May you know God's love and care today and each day ahead.
We had discovered that we were having twins months before. After several miscarriages we had an early ultrasound and it was impossible to ignore the smile on the face of the technician. Two little specks wiggling. We laughed and have not stopped the sense of fun and laughter since that day!
Two individuals, now far flung, heading off on adventures of their own. Both are coming home tomorrow and we are excited. For one, our birthday celebration will be watching him on the soccer field for the first time this year. We will be cheering mostly for the birthday heart! For the other, an exam and then a trip across the sea to join us for cake and fun after the soccer.
We love you both and are wishing you a most amazing year in this significant time of newness and adventure. La Chaim! To your lives with our love! We are full of thankfulness for you. May you know God's love and care today and each day ahead.
Thursday, 4 October 2012
Hope
Some time ago I sat with a couple of hundred parents in the school bleachers, enjoying our school band concert. The tambourine player caught my full attention. He was significantly dependent on help from another student and was mobile in his electric wheelchair. His participation in the band made the evening for me. I was hopeful. Hopeful that there might be room in the orchestra of life for us all. Hopeful even for my kids who have more invisible challenges and cannot as easily sit with another helping. Hopeful that we can be ourselves and still be involved. Hope for the boy's healing did not cross my mind that evening. I was actually delighting in him just as he is. His presence as a person with a significant disability was what actually gave me hope. I am sure his parents have hoped for his healing and for his increased function many times through his life. But from my perspective that evening that was not my focus at all.
Hope is one of the foundations of my being. As life has gone on, I have also realized that unrealistic hope can be very destructive and can prevent me from enjoying life just as it is. Recently someone spoke of almost guaranteed hope from a method of relating to our children. If only we could wash off some of the debris and start again and focus on the heart of our children, we can have hope. I really should have asked what was meant by hope. Probably any glimmer of improved communication was the hope promised. Nevertheless, as a conscientious and determined parent, I immediately felt the guilt emerging from a promise of hope. I was hoping for healing and positive behaviour for my children just like I am sure the parents of the boy with the tambourine have often hoped for improved motor function for him. With our children there is often not the option to wash away the wounds and start again. Many of them have irreversible brain injury. It is true that neurons do make links for our lifetime, and that improvement is always possible. I want to be ever positive and hopeful. But I have to also be realistic for both my own sake and the sake of my children.
Hope is possible. Reframe the hope. Be creative in hope. Sure we can hope for cure. Some people are cured of their disabilities and diseases. The majority are not. Still they can hope. Hope to be included. Hope to make a difference. Hope to show perserverance through the struggle. Hope that our children will even bring joy and learning and hope for others through their very being just as they are. May we somehow realize some personal truth that is often in weakness that there is strength.
With our kids it may not be hope for cure or even for improved behaviour. Even with the best parenting there still will be kids unable to live with their families. One of the families that for me is the most inspiring and full of hope includes a son who is often in and out of jail. He really is trying. He is not able to get a lot of important connections in life. His perserverance and that of his family gives me hope. Like the boy in the wheelchair, see the hope and possibilities within the significant limitations. Try to see the hope and growth for ourselves and for others through our own disappointments and perceived failures. Through it all, be creative and expansive in our perspective of hope.
Hope is one of the foundations of my being. As life has gone on, I have also realized that unrealistic hope can be very destructive and can prevent me from enjoying life just as it is. Recently someone spoke of almost guaranteed hope from a method of relating to our children. If only we could wash off some of the debris and start again and focus on the heart of our children, we can have hope. I really should have asked what was meant by hope. Probably any glimmer of improved communication was the hope promised. Nevertheless, as a conscientious and determined parent, I immediately felt the guilt emerging from a promise of hope. I was hoping for healing and positive behaviour for my children just like I am sure the parents of the boy with the tambourine have often hoped for improved motor function for him. With our children there is often not the option to wash away the wounds and start again. Many of them have irreversible brain injury. It is true that neurons do make links for our lifetime, and that improvement is always possible. I want to be ever positive and hopeful. But I have to also be realistic for both my own sake and the sake of my children.
Hope is possible. Reframe the hope. Be creative in hope. Sure we can hope for cure. Some people are cured of their disabilities and diseases. The majority are not. Still they can hope. Hope to be included. Hope to make a difference. Hope to show perserverance through the struggle. Hope that our children will even bring joy and learning and hope for others through their very being just as they are. May we somehow realize some personal truth that is often in weakness that there is strength.
With our kids it may not be hope for cure or even for improved behaviour. Even with the best parenting there still will be kids unable to live with their families. One of the families that for me is the most inspiring and full of hope includes a son who is often in and out of jail. He really is trying. He is not able to get a lot of important connections in life. His perserverance and that of his family gives me hope. Like the boy in the wheelchair, see the hope and possibilities within the significant limitations. Try to see the hope and growth for ourselves and for others through our own disappointments and perceived failures. Through it all, be creative and expansive in our perspective of hope.
Wednesday, 3 October 2012
Consequences
One of my kids is missing a dance lesson today. A consequence for some unacceptable hitting behaviour last night. She will help gardening husband with outside chores while the dance lesson is on. It is fun to be with husband and his box of treats that gets pulled out after each chore, but still missing a dance lesson is a big consequence.
There is lots of discussion about how consequences for some of our kids do not help in changing behaviour. I actually agree with that perspective. The kids have lost so much that one more loss only adds to their despair and anger. More importantly, their brains do not neurologically make the connections between actions and consequences..
Nevertheless, it is still difficult to know how to handle unacceptable behaviour. This child has been with us for many years now. She is a teen and is already up against logical consequences in school and life. I do think it is part of our role now to start the long road teaching about consequences. With repetition I am hoping it will gradually help make links. Sometimes in total frustration we almost sell the family farm in our trying to get through to our kids. I have been tempted to cancel birthday parties and other very significant events as consequences that I thought would change behaviour. The kids need those prized parties, so throwing away good things to try to teach a lesson can be very counterproductive. I have to consider carefully who is being punished as I contemplate different consequences.
Usually, too, parenting is a joint affair. My husband and I do not always have the same approach. We try to be as consistent as we can, but it is just not possible to always be together on every parenting decision. That is also not necessarily negative for our kids. They learn that within the same general guidelines, people are different. Even their teachers and later employers will all have slightly different expectations. Part of learning and growing is being able to learn from different people. Our slightly different approaches in our home also gives balance and depth to our home.
Deep down, I am not sure that our child will actually really learn from the consequence today. Our parenting is not perfect. Nevertheless, we continue to try to make an impact and shape behaviour. Sometimes we miss the mark. Our decisions backfire. Other times a new approach may bring about a surprising breakthrough. Parenting some of our children really does need therapeutic help to help flesh out those guidelines and give perspective and help as parents to work together. Find someone to help give you perspective and guidance. At the same time, realize that there is often lots of leeway to make both positive and negative discipline decisions. There is no one way to parent. Be careful and thoughtful as you make decisions, taking time to distance yourself from the frustrating event. Then do go ahead and act. Don't let the complications paralyze you as parents. Watch and wonder as things continue to unfold. Learn from what does work and what does not, just like in so many life decisions.
There is lots of discussion about how consequences for some of our kids do not help in changing behaviour. I actually agree with that perspective. The kids have lost so much that one more loss only adds to their despair and anger. More importantly, their brains do not neurologically make the connections between actions and consequences..
Nevertheless, it is still difficult to know how to handle unacceptable behaviour. This child has been with us for many years now. She is a teen and is already up against logical consequences in school and life. I do think it is part of our role now to start the long road teaching about consequences. With repetition I am hoping it will gradually help make links. Sometimes in total frustration we almost sell the family farm in our trying to get through to our kids. I have been tempted to cancel birthday parties and other very significant events as consequences that I thought would change behaviour. The kids need those prized parties, so throwing away good things to try to teach a lesson can be very counterproductive. I have to consider carefully who is being punished as I contemplate different consequences.
Usually, too, parenting is a joint affair. My husband and I do not always have the same approach. We try to be as consistent as we can, but it is just not possible to always be together on every parenting decision. That is also not necessarily negative for our kids. They learn that within the same general guidelines, people are different. Even their teachers and later employers will all have slightly different expectations. Part of learning and growing is being able to learn from different people. Our slightly different approaches in our home also gives balance and depth to our home.
Deep down, I am not sure that our child will actually really learn from the consequence today. Our parenting is not perfect. Nevertheless, we continue to try to make an impact and shape behaviour. Sometimes we miss the mark. Our decisions backfire. Other times a new approach may bring about a surprising breakthrough. Parenting some of our children really does need therapeutic help to help flesh out those guidelines and give perspective and help as parents to work together. Find someone to help give you perspective and guidance. At the same time, realize that there is often lots of leeway to make both positive and negative discipline decisions. There is no one way to parent. Be careful and thoughtful as you make decisions, taking time to distance yourself from the frustrating event. Then do go ahead and act. Don't let the complications paralyze you as parents. Watch and wonder as things continue to unfold. Learn from what does work and what does not, just like in so many life decisions.
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
Road Changes
For months now we have had major construction on our local highway. It is going to mean significant improvement in traffic patterns and ability to get across the river, but it has felt like a challenging puzzle to navigate what used to be a very straightforward route. Last week I somehow completely missed my turn off that I have done literally hundreds of times and I went whizzing across our new bridge, taking me miles away from where I was supposed to be. Even trying to turn around was a major undertaking with traffic back ups everywhere. In the end I added almost an hour to my trip.
Sometimes I feel like parenting can be a similar challenge. What works for some kids, does not work for everyone. When a new child joins our families, it is like road construction for quite some time as we all build new bridges with them. There is a lot of change and new roads to learn. Sometimes one wrong turn off can take us down a whole new, complicated road that may not be in the right direction. I make mistakes. I loose my temper. I do feel it is important to continue to communicate to our kids about our own wrong turns in life. For one of my kids in particular, my own honesty about some of my challenges with my own personality has really bonded us. She takes comfort in the fact that she is not the only one that makes mistakes and has a temper. I wish I did not make so many wrong turns, and I am trying to improve as a parent, but when I do make mistakes it is important to model for our kids that we too are not perfect and that sometimes we also need to try to find the overpass to turn around and head back to the healthy road.
My highway with its ever changing cones and flashing directions is also what it feels like for our kids as they join our new family. The guidelines and route for every family is different. Sometimes even within a family it feels like directions change. It can be very confusing and frustrating for our kids too.
There is hope. Things will settle down on the highway and I will learn how it works. The important thing is to keep driving, acknowledge that we all make mistakes, find the exit to turn around if needed, and keep communicating.
Sometimes I feel like parenting can be a similar challenge. What works for some kids, does not work for everyone. When a new child joins our families, it is like road construction for quite some time as we all build new bridges with them. There is a lot of change and new roads to learn. Sometimes one wrong turn off can take us down a whole new, complicated road that may not be in the right direction. I make mistakes. I loose my temper. I do feel it is important to continue to communicate to our kids about our own wrong turns in life. For one of my kids in particular, my own honesty about some of my challenges with my own personality has really bonded us. She takes comfort in the fact that she is not the only one that makes mistakes and has a temper. I wish I did not make so many wrong turns, and I am trying to improve as a parent, but when I do make mistakes it is important to model for our kids that we too are not perfect and that sometimes we also need to try to find the overpass to turn around and head back to the healthy road.
My highway with its ever changing cones and flashing directions is also what it feels like for our kids as they join our new family. The guidelines and route for every family is different. Sometimes even within a family it feels like directions change. It can be very confusing and frustrating for our kids too.
There is hope. Things will settle down on the highway and I will learn how it works. The important thing is to keep driving, acknowledge that we all make mistakes, find the exit to turn around if needed, and keep communicating.
Monday, 1 October 2012
Voices
Blogging for me is about finding my own voice. I come from a science background and have an organized and structured job with clear guidelines and expectations so creative writing is a new, challenging and stimulating adventure in self expression. I was initially inspired when I read that one way to get started in writing is to try blogging. Like the development of any new skill, writing is a discipline that requires practice. I try to exercise physically each day. I practice the skill of my work. Blogging is an way to grow in the area of writing. I always wonder if there will be something creative and useful to say each day. My faith is stretched. I have been surprised at the outflow of ideas bubbling up from within me in the ordinariness of my life.
I have prided myself on being an outlooking person. I have worked hard at not taking myself too seriously or being too inward looking. I have read widely and I respect the opinion of others. I take lots of courses. I look around me, see people that I want to be like, and try to emulate them. I am looking forward to taking a writing course. I do seek the wisdom of others. As good as all these things are, I have not simply looked within my own heart and soul for inspiration. That path has seemed like an extravagant luxury, but in fact not going there has caused me a lot of internal suffering. I have not trusted that I have anything important to say. I could never quite reach the external goal I had set. Nothing was ever quite enough. This blog is the beginning of allowing a new part of me to emerge and be expressed in healthy ways.
It is the same with parenting. In all the challenges of trying to guide our children, I want to listen for their unique and special voices within their own hearts. Just think of the diversity that can be brought into our lives from our children! I want to help them hear their own souls and experiment with different ways of being. I want them to see themselves as people who do not just have to copy others and obey commands, but can go within and listen to the promptings of their own beautiful hearts that are rich and full. Some of our children start with very little. The flame of their hearts has been almost extinguished. They have no sense of self. Discovering their own hearts and souls within their bodies is scarey. Look for ways to encourage and build them up. Listen with them for their own unique hearts.
Be encouraged to trust your voice deep inside. Take those tiny steps forward. We do live in a very outward world where the practice of going inside and listening is not often facilitated. It is central to our fullness of being. God has created us with care and wonder. Take time. Be still. Go within and listen.
I have prided myself on being an outlooking person. I have worked hard at not taking myself too seriously or being too inward looking. I have read widely and I respect the opinion of others. I take lots of courses. I look around me, see people that I want to be like, and try to emulate them. I am looking forward to taking a writing course. I do seek the wisdom of others. As good as all these things are, I have not simply looked within my own heart and soul for inspiration. That path has seemed like an extravagant luxury, but in fact not going there has caused me a lot of internal suffering. I have not trusted that I have anything important to say. I could never quite reach the external goal I had set. Nothing was ever quite enough. This blog is the beginning of allowing a new part of me to emerge and be expressed in healthy ways.
It is the same with parenting. In all the challenges of trying to guide our children, I want to listen for their unique and special voices within their own hearts. Just think of the diversity that can be brought into our lives from our children! I want to help them hear their own souls and experiment with different ways of being. I want them to see themselves as people who do not just have to copy others and obey commands, but can go within and listen to the promptings of their own beautiful hearts that are rich and full. Some of our children start with very little. The flame of their hearts has been almost extinguished. They have no sense of self. Discovering their own hearts and souls within their bodies is scarey. Look for ways to encourage and build them up. Listen with them for their own unique hearts.
Be encouraged to trust your voice deep inside. Take those tiny steps forward. We do live in a very outward world where the practice of going inside and listening is not often facilitated. It is central to our fullness of being. God has created us with care and wonder. Take time. Be still. Go within and listen.
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