Pruning

It is our last day doing heavy gardening with our boys.  They head off on new adventures of their own this weekend.
Today I got out my pruning manual.  It is very comprehensive and detailed.  Pruning is more complicated than most of gardening.  Each plant, bush and tree needs to be pruned differently and at different times of the year.  Some things can be cut with hedge clippers, others like rhododendrons need each branch cut uniquely, and others like lilacs can have whole trunks removed.  Sometimes things are pruned in early spring, and sometimes it really doesn't matter.
Personal preferences also influence pruning.  Some people like everything closely manicured, and others like the more free and easy look.  I like the relaxed look where things blend nicely with each other, but sometimes that takes even more skill to prune and open things up for the sun and air without making it look like they have been pruned!

Us people all need pruning too.  We are complicated and all different.  As parents we sometimes unconsciously 'prune' our children like we were 'pruned'.  Sometimes we prune too much and sometimes not enough.  Many kids are very resilient, but often it is particularly challenging to help shape and prune kids who have been adopted.  Many kids look superficially like they really need a severe pruning job as soon as they come to live with us.  After all, we need to set the tone.  Start off strong.  Give a good prune so they can get in shape.  Most often, we must resist this urge to prune right away.  While the kids may seem strong and resilient and out of shape, often they do not have the root structure and support to survive very much pruning.  They have actually been pruned to almost extinction before they have ever come to us.  All the leggy growth and bravado and challenging behaviour is only covering up extremely poor self esteem and any sense of self.  They are in high alert and ready to run from any perceived danger.  Wait before trying to change much.  Get help to give you perspective about how to deal with challenging behaviours.  Try to understand what is driving behaviour.   Focus on the really important things, like discovering what you really like about your child and helping them to see some great parts of themselves that nobody else has noticed or recognized.  Work on strengths.  Get help and support for your own self so you have the energy and insight to consciously and carefully parent in thoughtful and  healthy ways.  Resist the urge to do any changing of anyone in the early months.  Focus on fertilizing and building up and enjoy watching your family garden unfold.  Be  gentle with yourself and with your kids.  No good gardener prunes when the plants are under stress.   Remember the garden will look different from your neighbours.  There will be more weeds and it will be more wild.  Find the beauty and growth for all in the wild.