Comparative Shopping

We have moved from home projects into the shopping mall, along with masses of other back to school shoppers.  As we strode through the stores with list in hand, looking out for as many second pair fifty percent off deals as we could, I was reminded of my children's propensity for family shopping.

All of my children by adoption were adopted as older kids.  Several had several tries with different families.  They were all consulted about what kind of families that they would like.  I still sometimes observe them checking and comparing the family deals in moments of glazed reflection.  When in doubt, I always wonder out loud about what they are thinking and help them name their feelings.  Sure enough, we laugh together about the missed possibilities for families.   Other families most likely could afford phones on the back to school list.  Some might allow sleepovers, dating and have less strict guidelines.  Some families go on fun and exotic holidays all over the world.

One of my children has been particularly specific about families that still might hold possibility for her.  One particular family is young and dynamic.  They really are wonderful people.  They show care and interest in her and have many interesting and fun dollar store sensory toys.  I love them too.  They will also adopt one day.   My daughter does have great taste in families!  I join the musing with her to help keep her company in these times of wondering and insecurity.  She even facebooked them a while back expressing her penchant for family shopping and asking them when she could date if she joined their family.  When a clear answer of 26 came back on the computor she told them she would have to reconsider.

Feeling settled and secure takes many many years.  Some uncertainly may always be there.  As a parent, that can bring up our own insecurities.  We may have to gulp down our own pride.  No one family can give our kids all they need.  We need to keep on affirming that we will never let our kids go.  We talk about how no family is perfect.  All families have both good and bad.  Use these moments to come alongside and listen carefully for the pain underneath.  Help our kids draw in other interesting adults in their lives to help support and care for them, but keep affirming the special bond of the family that is their very own.  They need to hear our expressions of love and commitment in many ways over and over.