Bedtime

Although  the end of the day when everyone is tired  and wound up can be a challenging time, bedtime is nevertheless a highlight of my days.  One of my favorite memories as a child was of my parents reading to me and then sitting by my bed singing "Golden Slumbers" and caressing my forehead, gently touching my hair.  One of my girls who was initially frightened of bedtime and would stay awake in fear and anxiety for hours each night told me recently that bedtime is now her favourite time of the day. For both myself and my children I have been trying to make this ending of the day a time of loving ritual and care.  Several children have a warm bath after supper to help them settle and unwind after a long day.  As each child settles in bed I try to spend quiet time with them.  Sometimes several of us meet together on one bed. We usually read a carefully chosen age appropriate story and then lie together, talking and praying.  I sing to them and quietly tell them how wonderful they are.  Even though my younger children range in age from ten to fifteen, after reading a book for older kids I  follow that up by reading simple and loving board books that affirm my love for them and their own unique specialness.  I allow them to acknowledge and for a time be the small child in each of them that was never treasured and read a bedtime story.   They love a selection of books like Margaret Wise Brown's "Runaway Bunny" and "Goodnight Moon" and  Nancy Tafuri's "You are Special, Little One" and "I Love you, Little One."   I must say that I have been surprised that they still love me reading these simple expressions of love and care over and over.  They have parts that they repeat and I answer.   We then read a short story from a children's bible and are trying to memorize Psalm 23 together.  Usually at night they ask me repeatedly if I love them.  I always reply with quiet enthusiasm about how much I love them and how special they are.   I am so aware that often the messages firmly etched in the unconscious of my children have not been loving and positive.  In the slowed down state just before bed I think that the fertile ground of the unconscious is more receptive to starting to accept some new messages of love and attention.  It can be the beginning of helping our children come to be able to love and accept themselves and be able to receive  love.     I have always known how important healthy closure is in our lives.  Each day is truly a gift, no matter how well or poorly the day has gone.  I try to leave all the details behind at bedtime.  Of course we do not always take the time for this special ritual, but I have intentionally been trying to make the final moments of each day a sacred expression of love for each unique child, imprinting thoughts of those things that are lovely and good as a habit learned to last a lifetime.

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

The Bible is full of paradoxes.  Often we read one passage and then make decisions based on that one passage, forgetting that there are other passages that may give a rounder and more complete understanding of God.  One area of paradox is the understanding of loving ourselves and yet also denying ourselves.  The Bible makes it very clear that we are lovingly created and that God knows us through and through. (Psalm 139).  We are to love others as we love ourselves.  Implicit in that statement is that we are to love ourselves.   Christians often focus on the fact that we are full of sin and are to deny ourselves.  There is evidence for both approaches in the Bible.  I believe that both ends of this paradox can be embraced.  We are to love ourselves.  I think that deep dislike of ourselves and lack of self-acceptance is much more common than we realize in our culture.  We carefully mask our insecurities and confuse pure love for ourselves with the tendency to treat ourselves too softly and to amass material things.  Over and over in the Bible and in experience God expresses His love for all of us.  He created us just as we are and cradles us in His hands like this sculpture by Dorothea Steigerwald.  In response to his wonderful creation of us,  we are to cultivate a healthy love and acceptance for ourselves.  For many years I have believed in God's love and forgiveness, but have had a hard time loving and accepting and forgiving myself.  I have prided myself on loving others, but deep down I have really not loved myself.  We can often hide our struggles with self-acceptance, but sooner or later our frustration with ourselves rears up in anger, anxiety, addictions and jealousy or depression and lethargy.  I was aware of a hard edge and flares of temper in myself that were directly related to my own frustrations.  I found it difficult to know how to soften that edge and tendency to anger and sought help to understand the root of my own propensities.
While we are to love ourselves, that does not give us licence to over-indulge ourselves or to have an attitude of entitlement.  A good parent loves their child from the bottom of their heart, but does not let them be selfish or do whatever they desire.  Similarly, while loving ourselves we are commanded to care for others.  That will often mean that we consciously deny ourselves indulgences that restrict our servant and caring hearts for others.  Similarly, we all make mistakes and often have a propensity for selfishness and for "doing those things that we ought not to do, while leaving undone those things which we ought to do."  We are proud and want to be our own gods.  I think those are the attitudes and propensities that are often called sin.   Often I have a nagging awareness of all those things that I have done wrong.  God clearly releases us from those burdens in His forgiveness and love.  Though he creates us fearfully with great serious care and attention, the Bible is full of His clear expressions that we "do not be afraid!"  Just as God clearly forgives us in love, we are to in turn forgive ourselves and others in love.

So, as God has lovingly made us, we too are to cultivate a healthy and deep self love.  We can be our own best friend, waking up in the morning to greet God and ourselves with loving care and attention.  Out of that love we are then able to freely care for others.  Often the degree of gentle compassion that we have for ourselves is expressed in our love and gentle acceptance of others.  At the same time, we cannot use our self-love as a license to indulge our every whim and to make us self-centered.  While loving ourselves purely, we are then free to deny ourselves those things that are not helpful or expressing of care for God or others.   God loves us and forgives us.  Our response is healthy love and respect for ourselves and others.  Love does truly begin at home in the depths of our souls and hearts and minds with God.  Let's let love shine in our hearts.  Allow it to radiate with joy and freedom and without fear to love God, ourselves and others with gentle kindness and acceptance!

Heights and Depths

Life is a journey that involves scaling towering mountains and crossing deep lakes.   I recently enjoyed reading the story of a woman's journey over part of the Pacific Crest Trail, extending from Mexico to Washington.  Cheryl Strayed wrote of her adventures in her book, "Wild."  Her internal journey  mirrors and is impacted by the rigors and joys of her challenging and demanding travels.  She shares one particular image that has been a wonderful encouragement to me.  As she is looking over the deep blue waters of Crater Lake in Oregon she is struck that this extraordinary body of water was created by the eruption of Mount Mazama.  The heart of the mountain exploded, leaving bleak destruction in its wake.  Many years later, that same mountain destroyed became the vessel for what is now one of the deepest and most beautiful lakes in the world.  It's unique and pure blue waters are a feast for the eye and a source of great wonder and refreshment.

Sometimes we go through volcanic times where it feels like our hearts are destroyed.  Those very places of pain and woundedness can become vessels filled with living water giving refreshment, encouragement and joy.  I pray that those areas of destruction in me may be transformed and filled by God so that I can be a vessel overflowing with the living water of love.  The prophet Isaiah encourages those who are suffering. "When you cry for help, God will say: Here am I.  He will guide you and strengthen you and you will be like a spring whose waters never fail" (Isaiah 58:9,11).  Later, Jesus specifically holds true to that promise, befriending a desolate and hurting woman and offering her living springs of life giving water. (John 4:10,13)

I cry out to God to fill me to overflowing with His refreshing springs of the waters of love.

Paradox

Today was my first day back at work in over a month.  I am still not completely over my bronchitis, and it was difficult for me to head out the door early this morning.  Once I got to work, it was great to be with my amazing team of colleagues and to reconnect with them.  I felt a fresh energy and joy.  Work is an important part of life, whatever its shape.  The play of these last weeks for me has also been wonderfully restoring.  Today was a day of playful work.

Paradox is for me an important part of life and gives a different flavour and understanding than the middle ground concept of balance.  I once heard it said that it is helpful to hold both extremes of paradox in creative tension in our lives.  Chagall's fiddler reminds me that  it is in the properly tuned string, held between two opposing ends,  that we can express our life music. In the holding together of dark and light, joy and sorrow, quiet and music and small and big there is a tree of life growing by the creative energy of paradox.  Work and play, give and receive, look inward and outward, reflect and express, pray and act, and be in solitude and community.  Hold these opposing truths together in the wholeness of our being.  Most of us have propensities for one of these extremes.  It is helpful to know our own leanings and to appreciate and cultivate the other half of the whole.  There are seasons of life where we often rest in one end of the paradox, but in those times I remember the firm hold on the other end that brings depth, colour and richness to the canvas of my life.

Happy Birthday Mum!

Today is my mother's 88th birthday!  May it be a very happy birthday dear Mum.

My mother loves the work of the artist Raphael.  His deep and rich colours and soft shapes are compelling, bringing fullness and life to his works.  As I consider the significant place of my mother in my life, I am drawn over and over to the images of mother and child in art.  These images capture the importance of these early experiences in our lives and I treasure them in my own soul.  In this painting Mary cradles baby Jesus close, skin to skin with firm support. It is a quiet and pensive moment as Jesus gains security and strength and gives comfort from his hand on his mother's heart.  He looks forward to His life ahead, eyes gazing downward in humble vulnerability, knowing the painful path for both ahead.  Mary is pondering all these things in her heart with some reflective sadness, but gentle acceptance and love.

I wonder if Raphael considers the embrace of his own mother as he paints.  Perhaps there was never the close caress in the childhood of his own life.  On the other hand, maybe he paints of his own rich security stemming from those early embraces.  I do not know about Raphael's early foundational experiences as a baby with his mother, but I do pray that this painting will bring joy and health to both those who have known deeply of a mother's love and to those who have not and can internalize this loving image for their own selves.

I am reminded of your love and care, Mum.  Thank you for the secure and supportive place in your arms that gave me foundational love and security to look forward and to walk my own path.  Like Raphael, you have brought rich depth of colour and shape to my life.  Thank you for that amazing gift that only deepens as the years go by.  May this next year for you be full of colour and rich depth and love.   With much thankfulness,  I give you my love and embrace on all that the journey of this next year holds.

Seven Wonder Full Years!

Seven years ago we brought our daughter home for good.  At that time our little eight year old referred to herself as being at the bottom of the family food chain.  Today she calls herself the oldest of the youngest four!

Being adopted by us was not our daughter's first choice at the time.  It all came as a huge shock as she had understood that she would always stay in foster care.  She was happy with the foster arrangement and felt an important part of that family, so coming to live with us involved many layers of deep grief for her.  At first she would not sleep in her bed, but chose to sleep in the clothes closet on a foamie.  She slept there for months, feeling secure in that closed in space and not attempting sleep until her door was firmly shut with no one around.    She ate nothing but bread and Chicken McNuggets  as her whole system was upset and in a jumble.  I could not hold her or read to her, and for over a year she would leave the room every time she was alone with my husband.  Her favorite pastime was playing for hours in her cupboard with her animal stuffies and she was not able to express her emotions or feelings.   She refused to wear anything but dark baggie track pants and a hoodie.  As long as we respected these elemental requests, in most ways she was very accomodating and friendly and presented as a "perfect" child.  Early on I was suspicious about what was going on.  She really was too perfect. I had been prepared for tears and rages.  There was none of that. She was a friendly socialite and was extremely skilled at ducking under the radar of both family and school.  She loved playing endless games of hide-and-go-seek and got great delight out of disappearing at various times during the day and hearing the panic in my voice as I went looking for her, fearful that she had somehow run away or been abducted.

Another struggling adoptive parent once told me that she was not sure she could walk the long road ahead with her child.  It is a long road, and requires much skill, patience, flexibility and humour.  Relationship is never something that can be expected or demanded.  It takes time and may not meet the expectations of either child or parents.  All these issues and more did not resolve in the first year, or the second.  As I look back over seven years, there has been very significant growth and much joy and love along the way.  We have needed support.  A couple of friends have worked hard with us to connect with our daughter and to be family for her with us.  In the first year my husband and I were coached by a psychologist who primarily supported us!  Our daughter was ready for weekly time with her after the second year, but certainly not before that time.  As she settled in those years, she often joked that she had crazy parents and a crazy psychologist!  She was right;  it has been a crazy journey of unconditional commitment and love!  We have certainly not been perfect parents.  We have yelled too much, said things we should not have said, and have not always been as supportive as we would have liked.  Our daughter remembers the time that she sat alone at school on an early dismissal day, feeling completely abandoned.  I had forgotten to pick her up.  It has not been easy for her as our family has grown.  Stress levels increased with each new adoption, and it has been difficult especially for our daughter to constantly readjust and accept change when her own foundation is fragile.  Essentially, over these years we have learned so much from each other and have grown in healing together.  Through all the ups and downs of these years it has been a most wonderful journey and we are all changed people.

Today, seven years later, our daughter sleeps in a real bed.  She still has definite food preferences, but certainly eats most things with the family.  She has wide range of interests including dance, swimming, reading and playing the flute.  She has found a faithful niche of friends at her high school and through the church youth group and is able to sometimes advocate for herself as she needs help.  She expresses a wide range of emotions, loves hugs and snuggles, and adores her Dad, even going alone with him on a trip to visit with extended family in the East one year.  She still loves playing hide and seek and still enjoys hearing the panic in my voice if she is late or missing. She is a fine person of many gifts, hard work and deep character.  Her life is a testament to how people can survive through incredibly challenging times and grow in grace and love to live full and rich lives.

Mostly, I love my daughter more than words will ever express.  I so look forward to continuing on this long journey together;  it is a journey that is incredibly worth every step and I am thankful for each day with you.  Happy Gotchaday darling!  These days I don't really think much about you being adopted.  You are my daughter and  you bring great joy and thankfulness to us all.  We love you!

Unique Journeys

I want to live a life that matters, full of love, meaning and purpose.  Sometimes I get carried away thinking that I can somehow manufacture that kind of life in my own strength and vision.  When I get walking down that road, I fall into old "never enough" patterns that only destroy and eat away at the good that is.

My friend, Ann, died of cancer yesterday.  She was my age. Our lives have not intersected at all in the last few years, but still she has an important place in my own story and I am deeply grieving her loss.  There were many things in her life, including this incredibly sad and premature death, that were completely out of her control.  She suffered more than most in her life.  It did not all work out as she might have hoped.  Her life was more rich because of those disappointments and her ongoing faithful love.  Ann lived a most special and unique life that was full of meaning and purpose and love and all that it was meant to be.  Her life was its own  colourful tapestry that still brings much joy and thankfulness and meaning to all of us who knew and loved her.

Last night, before I knew that Ann had died, I went to the movie, "Les Miserables."  It is a most powerful and epic movie that was a strong encouragement from God for me on my own journey.  Each person portrayed in the movie had their own path and were central to the fabric of community and life.  I was particularly struck by some of the less central characters and the impact of their lives.  I fell in love with the little eight year old pick-a- pocket boy who played a heroic part in the early revolution and died for the cause.  I treasure Eponine and hold her particularly close to my heart.  There were no fulfilling moments in her life by the world's standards.  Her parents were crazy, self-centered crooks and she was never loved by the man she loved.  She died delivering him a message from his true love.  Her life still shone like a beacon to me.  Somehow against all odds, she had noble strength of character and kind and self sacrificing love.  She was fully human and lived her ordinary and complicated life with significant moments of pure light and love that without her knowing saved lives and brought fulfillment to others.

Most of us will live lives that are maybe not all that we would have hoped.  I am too often like my dog Daisy, pulling at my leash and running ahead in frustration after this and that on the road of life with God.  I want to slow down and walk contentedly beside God, listening and watching for the places that I am to be.    My journey will be unique and special  and all that is important in the big picture of life will be accomplished as I let go of fear and patiently walk at God's side with trust and love.

Ann walked faithfully with God.  It was all much more than enough and just right in God's plan.  You are in heaven now, Ann, waving your victory flag for a life well-lived.  Rest in peace my friend.  You have brought peace and love to my life and have made a meaningful difference in all our unique journeys.  Thank you for your faithful, persevering and loving walk of life.  You are an inspiration to me.