There have been lots of harsh gears grinding this week as we attempt to pull ourselves back into the routine of life after our Christmas break. Somehow those gear shifts are much more difficult for our children who have had to make so many major shifts in their lives before. In this case, practice does not make perfect; these kids have had too many changes and now change is much more difficult. All our kids are tired and on edge this week. With some I feel like we have taken ten steps backward after a lovely holiday time. Discombobulation is the mood of the week for us all! I must say the shift has been most difficult for me, even without those previous traumatic childhood changes. The change of pace made me vulnerable to a cough and I have had to be off work. I was so disappointed to miss a book club meeting where I was looking forward to discussing a fascinating book that I have enjoyed. I have not been up to my normal organizational speed. Today I misjudged and left an older child at the dentist for a half hour past closing time, keeping one of the secretaries at her work after an already long day. I am mortified and am busy trying to think about what I can do to make up for my mistake that cost her precious time! My home, too, seems to move into chaos rapidly when I am not constantly on top of organizing and cleaning. Masses of piles of paper are collecting all over the house, and I am feeling like I am getting more behind by the minute! Today the children had a great time watching balls of dog hair rising over the heat register while my allergic husband sounds like he is coming down with my cough!
Life! Often it does feel that things fall into confusion and chaos when we lose the timing of our shift changes. I am practicing letting go and relaxing, knowing that one of these days we will adjust and regain our energy and stride. Meanwhile, what can we learn? We will remember to breathe and get enough sleep. We will pray and lean on God's love. We will give each other just a little more love and leeway in all things. We will smile and laugh at each other's jokes We will remember that grinding gears is all part of learning to drive. Life is made up of both the chaos and the order and both are parts of our being! May all this keep us humble and teachable and all the more ready to forgive and understand others in these inevitable times of discombobulation.
Thursday, 10 January 2013
Tuesday, 8 January 2013
Luminescence
I have always delighted in the magic of phosphorescent sparkles in late summer swims and boat rides. I have been taken back into those memories of warm evenings with sea and dark sky meeting in the stars and lights in the deep water this last weekend at the Vancouver Aquarium. Luminescence is being celebrated in these dark winter days there. Lovely displays of inner light shining from jelly fish to corals to anemones. Light coming seemingly by surprise from nowhere, glowing in the deep! In actuality, it is light from deep within many different forms of life. Life energy peeking out and bringing beauty and a myriad of other useful physiological attributes!
As I lie in bed at night I have lately been in the habit of relaxing by imagining light from deep within radiating through me. Sometimes together with the children I stand and feel the light of God coming down from above, moving from the top of our heads, through our bodies, down through our feet and deep into the layers of ground beneath us to meet the light again in the core of the earth. Light is such a rich and full concept of positive energy and life. It is both grounding and expansive, inwardly illuminating and outwardly shining.
It is dark and rainy and cold in our part of the world these days. I am delighting in imagining God's luminescent light shining in each of us with sparkles of radiant life like those phosphorescent summer evenings of my memory. May life affirming luminescence come from within us and bring warmth and joy to each other on these rather dreary and ordinary days.
As I lie in bed at night I have lately been in the habit of relaxing by imagining light from deep within radiating through me. Sometimes together with the children I stand and feel the light of God coming down from above, moving from the top of our heads, through our bodies, down through our feet and deep into the layers of ground beneath us to meet the light again in the core of the earth. Light is such a rich and full concept of positive energy and life. It is both grounding and expansive, inwardly illuminating and outwardly shining.
It is dark and rainy and cold in our part of the world these days. I am delighting in imagining God's luminescent light shining in each of us with sparkles of radiant life like those phosphorescent summer evenings of my memory. May life affirming luminescence come from within us and bring warmth and joy to each other on these rather dreary and ordinary days.
Monday, 7 January 2013
Separations
For the first time in many years my husband and I had a wonderful mini-holiday together last week. We took our son back to university in Victoria and stayed overnight as a gift to ourselves. It was a refreshing and delightful time. We know that we should do this more often, but it has been very difficult to leave our youngest children before now. One daughter in particular has a very challenging time when I am not at home. She can barely tolerate an evening without me, and constantly asks when I will return. She actually has quite a visceral gut reaction of abandonment when I am not home and becomes very moody and obstinate as well. I am well aware that her reaction is often out of her control and it is all very scary for her. It is certainly not pleasant for those left behind with her!
My daughter has had some particularly difficult life experiences of painful abandonment and separation. She never had a chance to be with her birth mother much when in foster care and had no goodbyes or closure later when her mom died. She had disrupted adoptions early on with a couple of adoptive families and never had a chance to say goodbye to either of them.
I thought of her particularly in the "Life of Pi" movie. There is a fascinating scene at the end when the lifeboat hits land and the rescue is immanent. The tiger walks across the sand and into the jungle without any hesitation or turning to indicate goodbye to Pi. Pi is completely beside himself in grief. This scene expresses the pain of separation without goodbyes and is one of a long string of incomplete separations for Pi. Earlier, he never actually said goodbye to his girlfriend when he left India or to his parents and brother who did not escape from the sinking ship. He is inconsolable and yells out in agony at the final blow of the tiger's seeming indifference to their separation after such a journey together. One day my daughter and I will watch this scene together. She will deeply understand better than most the depth of Pi's pain. Meanwhile, we continue to support and care for her, preparing her for each time we are apart, and giving her permission to express her feelings of abandonment and pain in ways that are helpful but also tolerable to those around her! We all have those deeply held guttural cries of pain hidden in the edges of our souls. Without expression those cries turn inward to our own destruction. In this new year may we find ways to express those visceral feelings so that they do not fester and become sharp edges that only destroy ourselves and those closest to us.
My daughter has had some particularly difficult life experiences of painful abandonment and separation. She never had a chance to be with her birth mother much when in foster care and had no goodbyes or closure later when her mom died. She had disrupted adoptions early on with a couple of adoptive families and never had a chance to say goodbye to either of them.
I thought of her particularly in the "Life of Pi" movie. There is a fascinating scene at the end when the lifeboat hits land and the rescue is immanent. The tiger walks across the sand and into the jungle without any hesitation or turning to indicate goodbye to Pi. Pi is completely beside himself in grief. This scene expresses the pain of separation without goodbyes and is one of a long string of incomplete separations for Pi. Earlier, he never actually said goodbye to his girlfriend when he left India or to his parents and brother who did not escape from the sinking ship. He is inconsolable and yells out in agony at the final blow of the tiger's seeming indifference to their separation after such a journey together. One day my daughter and I will watch this scene together. She will deeply understand better than most the depth of Pi's pain. Meanwhile, we continue to support and care for her, preparing her for each time we are apart, and giving her permission to express her feelings of abandonment and pain in ways that are helpful but also tolerable to those around her! We all have those deeply held guttural cries of pain hidden in the edges of our souls. Without expression those cries turn inward to our own destruction. In this new year may we find ways to express those visceral feelings so that they do not fester and become sharp edges that only destroy ourselves and those closest to us.
Sunday, 6 January 2013
Those Tigers
As I consider Pi and his tiger, I remember that last year I ironically had a realistic and life-changing dream about a tiger of my own. He was there during one of the most challenging times of my life. Somehow the tiger ended up in my home, and out of fear I kept him locked securely in a bedroom until one day he escaped. He was the most beautiful, powerful and dangerous creature that I have ever faced and as much as I tried, I could not get rid of him. The dream stayed with me so vividly that I sought the help of my counselor to assist me in getting this terrible creature out of the mind and heart of my home. She wisely suggested that perhaps I was not meant to get rid of the tiger. She wondered if I could let him out of that caged bedroom for a while and wait to see what happened.
Letting that tiger out of captivity has been the beginning of an incredible journey for me and the tiger. He probably has some multifaceted meanings in my life, but through him I have realized that for most of my life my conscious mind has tried hard to keep my life together through pure strength of will. I was not always able to control some painful feelings and emotions deeply buried in my unconscious. Adoption brought some challenges that made it increasingly difficult for my strength of will to single-handedly control my feelings and actions. Throughout my life in stressful times my cognitive intention to improve has not been enough to bring about sustainable change. I am the kind of person that has tried star charts for my own behaviour in my heart for years and have never been successful in actually pulling off the good actions that I so desire! In quietness and meditation and with the help of others, I have had to gradually acknowledge and feel those long buried emotions in my unconscious. With the tiger, I have let them come out of captivity and have acknowledged and recognized them as important forces in my life.
I have been amazed at how life changing it has been to let the powerful hidden tiger feelings of my heart and soul coexist with all of my mind, soul and body in increasing conscious awareness. That tiger has saved me and has taught me deeply about my children too. So often we react to behaviour in our children that is just as powerful, mysterious and scary to them as it is to us. There may not be easy solutions to these stray tigers, but understanding them for the wild and often uncontrollable beasts that they are does give us parents helpful perspectives and understanding as we navigate these chaotic waters. They are not easily tamed by yelling and star charts or by both parents and children trying harder. We need to fully acknowledge their being and face them head on in the light of day. There are no promises that these tigers will bring healing but it is important to acknowledge their powerful and possibly dangerous presence. Some people do spend their lives on makeshift rafts pulled behind their life boats dominated by scary and destructive tigers. At least for some there will be opportunities for healing and hope with skilled and wise intervention and approaches that are fitting for the fearsome beings that those tigers are. For all of us, do not underestimate those tigers! At the same time, let's not be captive to our own tigers as they rule the main lifeboat and we are dragged behind on the unstable rafts. Come on into the main boat and with conscious wisdom and the help of tiger trainers, live together in the dangerous power of love and hope and joy.
Letting that tiger out of captivity has been the beginning of an incredible journey for me and the tiger. He probably has some multifaceted meanings in my life, but through him I have realized that for most of my life my conscious mind has tried hard to keep my life together through pure strength of will. I was not always able to control some painful feelings and emotions deeply buried in my unconscious. Adoption brought some challenges that made it increasingly difficult for my strength of will to single-handedly control my feelings and actions. Throughout my life in stressful times my cognitive intention to improve has not been enough to bring about sustainable change. I am the kind of person that has tried star charts for my own behaviour in my heart for years and have never been successful in actually pulling off the good actions that I so desire! In quietness and meditation and with the help of others, I have had to gradually acknowledge and feel those long buried emotions in my unconscious. With the tiger, I have let them come out of captivity and have acknowledged and recognized them as important forces in my life.
Saturday, 5 January 2013
Our Stories
The last week has held lots of stories in my heart. I have had a quiet hermit time and have read several wonderful stories and seen some impacting movies. One of the books that I have been reading is about a boy who became a part of an action-packed adventurous bedtime story that creatively included the readers to navigate through the story layers. Tonight as I watched the movie, "The Life of Pi," I thought about my book and the child who entered the story because I certainly became a part of Pi's story in the movie! I am still feeling somewhat seasick from those hours in the boat with him and the Tiger. It actually was an important movie that has personally intertwined with my own life adventure.
For some time, I have been wanting to explain a bit about the story of this blog. Many years ago I was deeply encouraged and helped by several women who shared their daily adoption stories in their blogs. Their expression of many of my same struggles gave me a deep sense of companionship and hope for my own journey. As I read their blogs late at night I felt less alone and isolated in my rather different life choices. I started writing this blog so that I, too, might be of help to others in the adoption world who are often struggling to keep their heads above the watery storms of life with children who come from challenging places. In spite of this initial goal, a rather different kind of story has emerged from my blogs. Partly because I am very sensitive about sharing personal stories other than my own and because all my children read my blog, I have tended to be much more general in my blogs. Perhaps rather self-centeredly, I have also written the story of my days that is most encouraging and hopeful for me! Most often I am writing words that help to keep me centered and on track and grounded in the challenging, uncertain, chaotic and rather messy walk of my life. After several years of thinking that I could function by myself with my blog friend supports, I did realize that I actually needed a few skilled and experienced face-to-face people in whom to confide the specifics of my walk! Often my blogs are a reflection of the general undercurrent of their words that I am trying to integrate into my own heart. I also am realizing that though many challenging issues belong to those around me, the main person over whom I have control is myself. Adoption and challenging parenting are just a couple of many varied adventures of life that people face that can be used to ultimately shape our characters and lives for both better and worse!
All of our life stories can be told and understood from different angles and perspectives. The stories of several of my children can be seen from many angles on the whole spectrum between being tragedies brimming with the results of the evil choices of others, or exciting adventures of perseverance that give testimony to the depth of human suffering and ability to keep on going. My own responses as a parent on this journey can also be viewed as the pervasive power of evil to bring out the worst in me as a parent, or a most wonderful opportunity to accept my own self as a human being and to use the worst in myself as a place to grow and become a deeper and more understanding person. Pi told us the story of his life that he liked the best. In this blog, I too am telling the story that is most helpful for me. Like Pi, I too echo, "So it is with God!" I believe that ultimately God sees the best story within each of us. There is the ugly and evil and terrible in our midst, but increasingly I am training my heart to lean toward God's best story of the unfolding redeeming of my life and yours too! I delight in the intertwining of many stories in our hearts and lives, where so often those vicious and unpredictable Tigers in our midst are what ultimately save each of us in more ways than we will ever know.
For some time, I have been wanting to explain a bit about the story of this blog. Many years ago I was deeply encouraged and helped by several women who shared their daily adoption stories in their blogs. Their expression of many of my same struggles gave me a deep sense of companionship and hope for my own journey. As I read their blogs late at night I felt less alone and isolated in my rather different life choices. I started writing this blog so that I, too, might be of help to others in the adoption world who are often struggling to keep their heads above the watery storms of life with children who come from challenging places. In spite of this initial goal, a rather different kind of story has emerged from my blogs. Partly because I am very sensitive about sharing personal stories other than my own and because all my children read my blog, I have tended to be much more general in my blogs. Perhaps rather self-centeredly, I have also written the story of my days that is most encouraging and hopeful for me! Most often I am writing words that help to keep me centered and on track and grounded in the challenging, uncertain, chaotic and rather messy walk of my life. After several years of thinking that I could function by myself with my blog friend supports, I did realize that I actually needed a few skilled and experienced face-to-face people in whom to confide the specifics of my walk! Often my blogs are a reflection of the general undercurrent of their words that I am trying to integrate into my own heart. I also am realizing that though many challenging issues belong to those around me, the main person over whom I have control is myself. Adoption and challenging parenting are just a couple of many varied adventures of life that people face that can be used to ultimately shape our characters and lives for both better and worse!
All of our life stories can be told and understood from different angles and perspectives. The stories of several of my children can be seen from many angles on the whole spectrum between being tragedies brimming with the results of the evil choices of others, or exciting adventures of perseverance that give testimony to the depth of human suffering and ability to keep on going. My own responses as a parent on this journey can also be viewed as the pervasive power of evil to bring out the worst in me as a parent, or a most wonderful opportunity to accept my own self as a human being and to use the worst in myself as a place to grow and become a deeper and more understanding person. Pi told us the story of his life that he liked the best. In this blog, I too am telling the story that is most helpful for me. Like Pi, I too echo, "So it is with God!" I believe that ultimately God sees the best story within each of us. There is the ugly and evil and terrible in our midst, but increasingly I am training my heart to lean toward God's best story of the unfolding redeeming of my life and yours too! I delight in the intertwining of many stories in our hearts and lives, where so often those vicious and unpredictable Tigers in our midst are what ultimately save each of us in more ways than we will ever know.
Thursday, 3 January 2013
The Exodus
After a full and somewhat intense Christmas holiday at home, our oldest four have again headed off to their various homes afar. It has felt like an exodus of sorts. Not that their time here was one of restrictive slavery, but that each has been lead forward to their own lives and callings elsewhere. It has been an act of faith for each of these individuals to cross their own rivers of challenge, doubt and fear to move into the different lands where they are to be planted and grow.
I have always been a person who loves change and adventure myself! In my earlier days I usually only worked in one place for a couple of years at a time. I was always off on some new tangent or adventure and actually am trained in three different career options! Ever since I was a little girl, I have always wanted to live and work with those in need in far flung places such as Africa and South America. Even adopting was for me part of my adventurous spirit. Sometimes the very hardest thing for me is to stay put and get on with being faithful in the ordinary things of life here without a lot of external change. I am always wondering about that next adventure and find it hard to not be looking across the fence where there might be greener and more exciting pastures. As another new year unfolds, these feelings intensify for me and I am forever looking around the corner for new opportunities of living. Today as we took one of our boys to his university in a neighbouring city I could not help but wonder if maybe we should consider a move there! As we took a sightseeing drive on this gloriously sunny day of white mountains and blue sea, I knew in my heart that no matter how exciting a move to that beautiful town would be, it is not our calling for now.
Some of my external wandering has actually diverted my attention from the unrest in my heart and soul. These days I am wanting my exodus journey to be a hidden journey of the heart where I learn to be more lovingly content and at peace no matter where I am or what I am doing. We all do know that no matter where we live or what we are doing, it is the deep qualities of ourselves that we take with us and that are most important. Sometimes it is just so easy to be diverted from growing in those more hidden, but centrally important wellspring journeys of peace and love deep in ourselves. It is hard to know how to begin. Of course sometimes we are called to more outward journeys of life, but usually most of our lives are spent being faithful in those daily ordinary steps of faithful love and care in the little things right there in front of us. That is where I want to begin and end my journey this year.
I have always been a person who loves change and adventure myself! In my earlier days I usually only worked in one place for a couple of years at a time. I was always off on some new tangent or adventure and actually am trained in three different career options! Ever since I was a little girl, I have always wanted to live and work with those in need in far flung places such as Africa and South America. Even adopting was for me part of my adventurous spirit. Sometimes the very hardest thing for me is to stay put and get on with being faithful in the ordinary things of life here without a lot of external change. I am always wondering about that next adventure and find it hard to not be looking across the fence where there might be greener and more exciting pastures. As another new year unfolds, these feelings intensify for me and I am forever looking around the corner for new opportunities of living. Today as we took one of our boys to his university in a neighbouring city I could not help but wonder if maybe we should consider a move there! As we took a sightseeing drive on this gloriously sunny day of white mountains and blue sea, I knew in my heart that no matter how exciting a move to that beautiful town would be, it is not our calling for now.
Some of my external wandering has actually diverted my attention from the unrest in my heart and soul. These days I am wanting my exodus journey to be a hidden journey of the heart where I learn to be more lovingly content and at peace no matter where I am or what I am doing. We all do know that no matter where we live or what we are doing, it is the deep qualities of ourselves that we take with us and that are most important. Sometimes it is just so easy to be diverted from growing in those more hidden, but centrally important wellspring journeys of peace and love deep in ourselves. It is hard to know how to begin. Of course sometimes we are called to more outward journeys of life, but usually most of our lives are spent being faithful in those daily ordinary steps of faithful love and care in the little things right there in front of us. That is where I want to begin and end my journey this year.
Tuesday, 1 January 2013
The Tree Planted
I woke up this morning and there it was. The Christmas tree that we planted yesterday in the front yard is tucked over in a beautifully vacant corner where it can be seen and enjoyed and remembered clearly from the perspective of our living room windows. It is green and fresh and unique in its ragged and full shape and it looks like it belongs in that corner.
After a season that encompasses some of the extremes of life, highlighting both the abundance and the empty, that tree brings hope to me. It seems fitting for this new year and it embraces many different strands of meaning. From ancient times evergreen trees have been symbols of renewal and enduring life. For early Christians they symbolized the reality of God's redeeming and ongoing faithful love to us. Often we identify ourselves with trees, digging our roots deeply into the soil of life around us. Our tree is a Noble Fir and brings added meaning of magnificence, integrity and courage. This particular tree that we have affectionately called the Jon-a-gold tree speaks of our open embrace to the newest family addition of another son-to-be.
As I consider our tree today I am encouraged. Just as we carefully considered where to plant the tree, I am reminded that God has chosen just the right spot for me to be planted. I am really just one tree among many, but still, like our tree, I am special and right for my unique spot. As I begin a new year, I want to rest in my place, letting my roots settle and grow and allowing the richness of this place to give me life. Growth takes time, but if I look carefully I will see new fronds of light green sprout over this next year. I hope these will reflect noble qualities of the fruits of God's life-giving spirit in me: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, self control and gentleness. The tree also reminds me that there is always room for another special person in our lives and inspires me to welcome and encourage those new trees growing, including others in our garden as they come our way.
I welcome the new year symbolized by this new tree in our midst. My prayer today is for the hope of green life and newness growing in the hearts of all! Happy New Year and much love to each special and unique person in this garden of life.
After a season that encompasses some of the extremes of life, highlighting both the abundance and the empty, that tree brings hope to me. It seems fitting for this new year and it embraces many different strands of meaning. From ancient times evergreen trees have been symbols of renewal and enduring life. For early Christians they symbolized the reality of God's redeeming and ongoing faithful love to us. Often we identify ourselves with trees, digging our roots deeply into the soil of life around us. Our tree is a Noble Fir and brings added meaning of magnificence, integrity and courage. This particular tree that we have affectionately called the Jon-a-gold tree speaks of our open embrace to the newest family addition of another son-to-be.
As I consider our tree today I am encouraged. Just as we carefully considered where to plant the tree, I am reminded that God has chosen just the right spot for me to be planted. I am really just one tree among many, but still, like our tree, I am special and right for my unique spot. As I begin a new year, I want to rest in my place, letting my roots settle and grow and allowing the richness of this place to give me life. Growth takes time, but if I look carefully I will see new fronds of light green sprout over this next year. I hope these will reflect noble qualities of the fruits of God's life-giving spirit in me: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, self control and gentleness. The tree also reminds me that there is always room for another special person in our lives and inspires me to welcome and encourage those new trees growing, including others in our garden as they come our way.
I welcome the new year symbolized by this new tree in our midst. My prayer today is for the hope of green life and newness growing in the hearts of all! Happy New Year and much love to each special and unique person in this garden of life.
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