I want to embrace transition and change and share my heart with those I love.
.
Several years ago now I wrote as a Mother in Wonder, but today, as I anticipate afresh the coming of the surprise arrival of Light in Being to our world, my heart wants to share the wonder of my days without labels. I rejoice that we are all so different, moving forward in our own unique callings for each day. We are mothers and fathers and friends and loners and brothers and sisters and strugglers and those who really do not feel we fit under any tag. Regardless, we all can share together and touch one another as fellow beings, each important and special.
I want to continue to risk and gently and extravagantly share myself as a fellow person being in each step of the day.
There are so many similar blogs and I do easily laugh and wonder at my own cliches and words, but it is in the sharing that we all come together in agreement and disagreement to live uniquely our own calling.
I write this because I am uniquely special to a few, just like us all. Especially these days I write for my Mum and Dad who love me and encourage me and always ask about the Wonder blog and the Words from my heart.
Here you are Mum and Dad. Another new beginning as we share together in the rain and darkness of these days, enjoying the twinkling lights and in hope for the light and dark moments together ahead.
Thanks for you encouragement that even my words are important. May I risk and share in the fullness of wonder in anticipation of the advent of something New.
Tuesday, 28 November 2017
Thursday, 10 September 2015
The Fullness of Wonder
When I started this blog and life in the world of mothering and adoption, I somehow clung to the idea of wonder over the beautiful sunsets or the moments of fulfillment and satisfaction after the storm. I forgot that there is wonder in the midst of the storm and even in the heart of brokenness. Forest fires are devastating. Mental illness is perplexing and elusive. In many areas of our lives there are no easy fixes. Often at the core of our beings and our values there is brokenness and pain that just does not go away.
As a mother I believe that it is important to hold on to our kids. Never give up. Keep our kids close and hang in there through thick and thin. Watch. Wait. Wonder! I did not think that my perceptions of parenting might have to expand to include a child leaving the family at a young age and living in a different home. I did not know the devastation and perplexing nature of mental illness where often we think that if only we try harder or with more love or more creativity that somehow everything would turn out in the end. I thought that if only we have positive goals and get the right help, that somehow these fine dreams will become reality in some way or another.
Wonder embraces both the sunsets and the storms of devastation. Wonder includes the tragedy of the dead boy on the beach and the beauty of new birth. Lately for me wonder has had to include a significant loss in our family, where our daughter is now living with others for now. It has had to include broken and changed dreams for us all. I am glad for Job, who lost all his family and life as he knew it. There were no easy answers. There was a changed reality and hope in the end that was surprising and very different than expected or hoped for.
I am still in wonder. For now, though, my wonder embraces tragedy, complications and changed dreams along with the hope of the bright stars in the sky and the fresh wind of fall on my face. I want to grow in living in the fullness of all that life brings, letting go of the perception that somehow I can control it all and growing in acceptance, joy and possibility through even those things that I would never willingly chose.
Together let's stand in wonder. Wonder in the fullness of pain and unfulfilled dreams. Wonder in all that it means to be human. Wonder and appreciation for all that life brings. We do not yet see or understand the complete picture, but we can still rest in the incompleteness and brokenness and life giving possibilities of pain and prayers answered in ways we will never understand.
As a mother I believe that it is important to hold on to our kids. Never give up. Keep our kids close and hang in there through thick and thin. Watch. Wait. Wonder! I did not think that my perceptions of parenting might have to expand to include a child leaving the family at a young age and living in a different home. I did not know the devastation and perplexing nature of mental illness where often we think that if only we try harder or with more love or more creativity that somehow everything would turn out in the end. I thought that if only we have positive goals and get the right help, that somehow these fine dreams will become reality in some way or another.
Wonder embraces both the sunsets and the storms of devastation. Wonder includes the tragedy of the dead boy on the beach and the beauty of new birth. Lately for me wonder has had to include a significant loss in our family, where our daughter is now living with others for now. It has had to include broken and changed dreams for us all. I am glad for Job, who lost all his family and life as he knew it. There were no easy answers. There was a changed reality and hope in the end that was surprising and very different than expected or hoped for.
I am still in wonder. For now, though, my wonder embraces tragedy, complications and changed dreams along with the hope of the bright stars in the sky and the fresh wind of fall on my face. I want to grow in living in the fullness of all that life brings, letting go of the perception that somehow I can control it all and growing in acceptance, joy and possibility through even those things that I would never willingly chose.
Together let's stand in wonder. Wonder in the fullness of pain and unfulfilled dreams. Wonder in all that it means to be human. Wonder and appreciation for all that life brings. We do not yet see or understand the complete picture, but we can still rest in the incompleteness and brokenness and life giving possibilities of pain and prayers answered in ways we will never understand.
Tuesday, 30 September 2014
Eyes to See
A beautiful white rabbit has been making his home in our garden over the past two weeks. His entrance into our lives has come at a time when the general anxiety level for a couple of our kids is very high as school finally gets underway. One daughter spends long hours sitting quietly outside with him and he now comes up to her for food and attention. Time outside with bunny is an activity that helps decrease anxiety and settle our daughter like nothing else.
For me this white rabbit is a miracle gift from God. I am so thankful for this rabbit, lovingly called Victor, appearing unexpectedly and surprisingly during this challenging time. Miracles do indeed come in unexpected packages just when we most need them. May I have eyes to see and appreciate these amazing gifts of God given in the ordinary circumstances of our days!
For me this white rabbit is a miracle gift from God. I am so thankful for this rabbit, lovingly called Victor, appearing unexpectedly and surprisingly during this challenging time. Miracles do indeed come in unexpected packages just when we most need them. May I have eyes to see and appreciate these amazing gifts of God given in the ordinary circumstances of our days!
Monday, 23 June 2014
Closed without closure
It has been a challenging few weeks for my crew as they have been in and out of school with chaos and little control. Now as they were preparing to be finished for the summer, the schools are closed and they are left hanging.
One daughter has had to return for provincial exams without all the teacher support that is so vital for her. Another missed all the graduation ceremonies as she completed elementary school and is heading off to high school. The kids in our area all go to different high schools and so my daughter will be leaving most of her friends as she goes forward again! There have been no goodbyes and healthy transitions.
Goodbyes are often underestimated in our fast moving world. For our children who have been wrenched with no control from one place to another many times in their short lives this time of schools closing without thoughtful process and closure has been very difficult; a trigger of the many previous changes that did not include healthy grieving, celebration and remembering.
Sometimes we feel that our presence in the lives of another may not be important. Always assume that it is. Develop healthy ways to transition and to move in and out of lives with integrity and honour. Especially with our children from the turmoil of adoption, be aware of the many dangling threads of their lives. Be intentional about ways to help integrate those threads in the present weaving of their lives.
Even though we have been through similar situations before, I am always surprised that these predictable stressors and triggers such as schools closed suddenly really do cause huge emotional upset in my children that are expressed in different ways. The weak foundation that is a result of the trauma of all the events surrounding adoption takes a long time to strengthen. In our family these days we are trying to be creative about ways we can help bring emotional closure in this most unpredictable end to the school year. One more day of provincials for Grade 10 daughter and then we will celebrate! I always remember how God told the Israelite people to place stones of remembrance in the Jordan River. As they looked back and could see the stones the people remembered God's care and goodness to them. We will go searching for stones to place in our garden to bring memories of all that this school year has been. Remembering both the good and the not so good! Honouring it all. Closing this chapter as we open the new.
One daughter has had to return for provincial exams without all the teacher support that is so vital for her. Another missed all the graduation ceremonies as she completed elementary school and is heading off to high school. The kids in our area all go to different high schools and so my daughter will be leaving most of her friends as she goes forward again! There have been no goodbyes and healthy transitions.
Goodbyes are often underestimated in our fast moving world. For our children who have been wrenched with no control from one place to another many times in their short lives this time of schools closing without thoughtful process and closure has been very difficult; a trigger of the many previous changes that did not include healthy grieving, celebration and remembering.
Sometimes we feel that our presence in the lives of another may not be important. Always assume that it is. Develop healthy ways to transition and to move in and out of lives with integrity and honour. Especially with our children from the turmoil of adoption, be aware of the many dangling threads of their lives. Be intentional about ways to help integrate those threads in the present weaving of their lives.
Even though we have been through similar situations before, I am always surprised that these predictable stressors and triggers such as schools closed suddenly really do cause huge emotional upset in my children that are expressed in different ways. The weak foundation that is a result of the trauma of all the events surrounding adoption takes a long time to strengthen. In our family these days we are trying to be creative about ways we can help bring emotional closure in this most unpredictable end to the school year. One more day of provincials for Grade 10 daughter and then we will celebrate! I always remember how God told the Israelite people to place stones of remembrance in the Jordan River. As they looked back and could see the stones the people remembered God's care and goodness to them. We will go searching for stones to place in our garden to bring memories of all that this school year has been. Remembering both the good and the not so good! Honouring it all. Closing this chapter as we open the new.
Sunday, 22 June 2014
That Inner Voice
I am aware that my last couple of posts may seem glib and insensitive. While trying to encourage people to consider adoption, I am also aware that many people have answered that call to adopt, but have had to wait for years. I have wonderful friends who went through years of process to adopt, but were not accepted to adopt. Friends have listened to that inner voice, stepped bravely forward, and are either in a painful holding pattern or have felt completely rejected and personally discouraged. Some very competent friends have also experienced tragic breakdowns of adoptions.
I am sorry if my overly simplistic words of encouragement have only added to your pain. Certainly part of the problem for the waiting children is often mishandling of the families wanting to adopt.
There is no doubt that adoption can be a harrowing journey that only echoes for the caring families the pain and challenge of the waiting children.
All I can say is to keep listening and being true to your inner voice. Those long waits and rejections only give more understanding of the pain of many of those children waiting. Three of my children went through painful adoption disruptions where their planned adoptions fell through. All of the children have layers of pain, abandonment and rejection.
I have just finished reading a thoughtful and inspirational book, "The Invention of Wings" by Sue Monk Kidd. I highly recommend it to all those seeking to listen to that inner voice and follow the promptings of their hearts. Those worthwhile steps forward in life are not easy. The ongoing pain and determination of the process, complete with heartbreak and discouragement, has been shared by so many others who have made a difference in this world.
Keep listening. Watch for the windows that open when the doors are shut. Be still in the pain and discouragement. I believe it is all part of life. God who is good and loving will somehow not let our pain and tears be wasted. Keep your hope and faith through all the challenges along the way. Again, I may sound simplistic, but it is my sincere belief and prayer that God will somehow be with you in the ways you need today.
I am sorry if my overly simplistic words of encouragement have only added to your pain. Certainly part of the problem for the waiting children is often mishandling of the families wanting to adopt.
There is no doubt that adoption can be a harrowing journey that only echoes for the caring families the pain and challenge of the waiting children.
All I can say is to keep listening and being true to your inner voice. Those long waits and rejections only give more understanding of the pain of many of those children waiting. Three of my children went through painful adoption disruptions where their planned adoptions fell through. All of the children have layers of pain, abandonment and rejection.
I have just finished reading a thoughtful and inspirational book, "The Invention of Wings" by Sue Monk Kidd. I highly recommend it to all those seeking to listen to that inner voice and follow the promptings of their hearts. Those worthwhile steps forward in life are not easy. The ongoing pain and determination of the process, complete with heartbreak and discouragement, has been shared by so many others who have made a difference in this world.
Keep listening. Watch for the windows that open when the doors are shut. Be still in the pain and discouragement. I believe it is all part of life. God who is good and loving will somehow not let our pain and tears be wasted. Keep your hope and faith through all the challenges along the way. Again, I may sound simplistic, but it is my sincere belief and prayer that God will somehow be with you in the ways you need today.
Saturday, 21 June 2014
Hooped
Adoption has brought richness in many ways to me and my life journey.
Today on this longest day of the year and the first of summer, I celebrated Aboriginal Day with two of my daughters. Though not genetically of aboriginal descent, I have been adopted into a most wonderful aboriginal family through our adoption of one of their daughters. This has brought new insights and depth to me.
Much of the flavour of the aboriginal day celebration that we attended was about reconciliation. Reconciliation and bringing together of people not just of one particular race, but of the broad range of human beings. Restoring and rebuilding relationships and bringing together of different points of view in full unity is an important part of the human journey.
As the drums beat today, giving steadiness and rhythm to my soul, I watched a gifted hoop dancer.
With the steady beat, our dancer created beauty and story from a variety of hoops. At one point she moved through thirteen hoops all at once. It was a seemingly impossible task, all done with a radiant smile, a sense of humour, and an even beat, creating incredible forms.
Being an adoptive parent is a bit like the dance of the hoop dancer. It may look impossible, but find someone to walk with you and help you learn the steps, one hoop at a time. With practice, wisdom, help and more practice, it can be done.
Listen to that drum beat in your heart today. What is it communicating to you? Listen carefully and take up those hoops there in your heart, one at a time.
Today on this longest day of the year and the first of summer, I celebrated Aboriginal Day with two of my daughters. Though not genetically of aboriginal descent, I have been adopted into a most wonderful aboriginal family through our adoption of one of their daughters. This has brought new insights and depth to me.
Much of the flavour of the aboriginal day celebration that we attended was about reconciliation. Reconciliation and bringing together of people not just of one particular race, but of the broad range of human beings. Restoring and rebuilding relationships and bringing together of different points of view in full unity is an important part of the human journey.
As the drums beat today, giving steadiness and rhythm to my soul, I watched a gifted hoop dancer.
With the steady beat, our dancer created beauty and story from a variety of hoops. At one point she moved through thirteen hoops all at once. It was a seemingly impossible task, all done with a radiant smile, a sense of humour, and an even beat, creating incredible forms.
Being an adoptive parent is a bit like the dance of the hoop dancer. It may look impossible, but find someone to walk with you and help you learn the steps, one hoop at a time. With practice, wisdom, help and more practice, it can be done.
Listen to that drum beat in your heart today. What is it communicating to you? Listen carefully and take up those hoops there in your heart, one at a time.
Friday, 20 June 2014
The Front Page
It took the front page of the newspaper this morning to remind me of why I started this blog.
Adoption. The numbers of children being adopted in this province is decreasing steadily over the last five years. There are less available families stepping forward. There are now 1000 children waiting.
The reasons for this decrease are many. We could speculate forever. Meanwhile children are growing and getting older and living with a sense that they do not belong. Their challenges are only increasing as the pain of being on the edge of our society continues.
I encourage you to step up to help these kids. Start the process. Call 1-877-236-7807 and investigate.
We all know the many reasons why we just cannot adopt. I have spent more than my fair share of time extolling the challenges. The bottom line is that these kids need ordinary people to love and care for them. You do not have to be special, extraordinary or specially gifted. You are enough.
Come and meet my four girls. They are each of them amazing and gifted human beings who deserve the basic human need of belonging. There are many who are not yet placed with their families. Maybe it is you.
For the rest of us, support those who are taking this step. Stand with them. Encourage them and be a part of their team even when they do not have the energy to reciprocate. You do not have to remind them about how hard it may be. Just be with them and support them through the process.
For all of us, grow as caring and responsive people. Educate yourself about the challenges our kids in care are facing. Expand the borders of your thinking and responding. Learn how to be better parents and people. Find others who can help you grow so that you can effectively care for both kids and the people who are trying to care for them. Let go of the issues that are taking time and energy and only lead to more division. Support and care and above all love. Explore how you can care for these 1000 kids who do not have the basic support of family. Call 1- 877- ADOPT -07!
Adoption. The numbers of children being adopted in this province is decreasing steadily over the last five years. There are less available families stepping forward. There are now 1000 children waiting.
The reasons for this decrease are many. We could speculate forever. Meanwhile children are growing and getting older and living with a sense that they do not belong. Their challenges are only increasing as the pain of being on the edge of our society continues.
I encourage you to step up to help these kids. Start the process. Call 1-877-236-7807 and investigate.
We all know the many reasons why we just cannot adopt. I have spent more than my fair share of time extolling the challenges. The bottom line is that these kids need ordinary people to love and care for them. You do not have to be special, extraordinary or specially gifted. You are enough.
Come and meet my four girls. They are each of them amazing and gifted human beings who deserve the basic human need of belonging. There are many who are not yet placed with their families. Maybe it is you.
For the rest of us, support those who are taking this step. Stand with them. Encourage them and be a part of their team even when they do not have the energy to reciprocate. You do not have to remind them about how hard it may be. Just be with them and support them through the process.
For all of us, grow as caring and responsive people. Educate yourself about the challenges our kids in care are facing. Expand the borders of your thinking and responding. Learn how to be better parents and people. Find others who can help you grow so that you can effectively care for both kids and the people who are trying to care for them. Let go of the issues that are taking time and energy and only lead to more division. Support and care and above all love. Explore how you can care for these 1000 kids who do not have the basic support of family. Call 1- 877- ADOPT -07!
Thursday, 6 March 2014
Crumbs
Though we seem to hear a lot about dieting and cutting down on the abundance of food available to us these days, my world is full of people for whom the idea of food is more of a burden than a blessing. For many of the children in my life, eating is a challenge that causes a myriad of complex difficulties and makes food an area of stress and profound anxiety for both children and parents. The ability to get any kind of sustenance from food is difficult often for many different and varied reasons. Ideas for helping children start to want to eat abound and vary depending on the specific eating challenge. Some common suggestions include being careful not to show your own anxiety and allowing power struggles to take over by forcing kids to eat. Children may first need to get used to even the smells of food. Allow delicious smells of food to pervade your home. Come close and kiss your kids after yourself eating something that they can smell and taste on your lips. Encourage them to simply play with food, touching and feeling it without any pressure to eat. Sometimes it is helpful to start introducing just little crumbs of food in a way that is not threatening or scary.
Like my children for whom eating is not a pleasurable and life-giving experience, our society is full of aversion to spiritual food. The very thought of giving sustenance to our souls causes many to gag. Again the reasons for this aversion are many and varied and usually very understandable. Many would disagree that food for our souls is even necessary. I do believe that we are spiritual beings whose souls do crave spiritual relationship with God and with one another. Yes, maybe I am wrong. Remember, I am a wondering mother! So tonight I wonder. I wonder if without pressure and with fun, others might somehow smell the aroma and warm comfort of God in my home and on my breath. I encourage myself and my children to play with the idea of God and activities that facilitate the growth of our souls. Sometimes I wonder how best to introduce those little crumbs of joy and love in God that can be welcomed and tried by others. God's crumbs may be the beginning of a lifelong adventure in tasting the goodness and love of a God who cares and wants to be in relationship with us.
Like my children for whom eating is not a pleasurable and life-giving experience, our society is full of aversion to spiritual food. The very thought of giving sustenance to our souls causes many to gag. Again the reasons for this aversion are many and varied and usually very understandable. Many would disagree that food for our souls is even necessary. I do believe that we are spiritual beings whose souls do crave spiritual relationship with God and with one another. Yes, maybe I am wrong. Remember, I am a wondering mother! So tonight I wonder. I wonder if without pressure and with fun, others might somehow smell the aroma and warm comfort of God in my home and on my breath. I encourage myself and my children to play with the idea of God and activities that facilitate the growth of our souls. Sometimes I wonder how best to introduce those little crumbs of joy and love in God that can be welcomed and tried by others. God's crumbs may be the beginning of a lifelong adventure in tasting the goodness and love of a God who cares and wants to be in relationship with us.
Wednesday, 5 March 2014
Those Ashes
The wood in our fireplace crackles and the steady beat of a fan spews out warmth in our living room as I write this evening. Regularly I take a precious bucket load of fine ash out to our compost; a special delicacy and topping of potash that I am told will help the growing in our garden as things warm up and spring comes again.
Who would think that ashes would have a sacred place through history? It is of strange comfort to me that they do. A place for us after the fire and the burning. Meaning in the left over ashes of our lives. Hope beyond hope in the grey and lifeless.
Seasons for the burning and the ash. Take comfort in those seemingly useless and dull remains. They too, spread over our lives, bring hope and nutrients of growth. Dreams destroyed and energy burned. The gift of seemingly nothing. Keep on going, leaving space to grow.
Before the spring emerges, a time of paring down. Appreciating the ashes. Leaving room to listen to that still small whisper, faint in our hearts, that may be God. Sit and listen in the ashes of these days.
Who would think that ashes would have a sacred place through history? It is of strange comfort to me that they do. A place for us after the fire and the burning. Meaning in the left over ashes of our lives. Hope beyond hope in the grey and lifeless.
Seasons for the burning and the ash. Take comfort in those seemingly useless and dull remains. They too, spread over our lives, bring hope and nutrients of growth. Dreams destroyed and energy burned. The gift of seemingly nothing. Keep on going, leaving space to grow.
Before the spring emerges, a time of paring down. Appreciating the ashes. Leaving room to listen to that still small whisper, faint in our hearts, that may be God. Sit and listen in the ashes of these days.
Tuesday, 24 December 2013
Wondering in Expectation
Watch. Wait. Wonder.
Important words and a significant attitude of heart for us all.
Expectations can be confusing. Some of us have learned through bitter experience to let go of any kind of expectation from life. Others are full of expectations for these days and year ahead. Most of us stand somewhere in between, hoping and expecting, but deep down doubting that anything of significance will really be different.
I am sure Mary, the mother of Jesus, stood with us in mixed expectations as she gave birth this night so many years ago.
A baby. God with us. Emmanuel. Unexpected and unrecognized by most.
Tonight in our hearts let us be still.
Watch. Wait. Wonder. God is with each of us in the depths of our hearts and souls, longing for us to recognize His being in our hearts in the ordinary ways of our days. We are deeply loved. Each of us was created carefully and uniquely in love and care. Let go of all the religious debates and superficial wrappings of His gift. Let us feel his Love this night in our souls.
Wishing the blessings of God with us in love and hope tonight.
Important words and a significant attitude of heart for us all.
Expectations can be confusing. Some of us have learned through bitter experience to let go of any kind of expectation from life. Others are full of expectations for these days and year ahead. Most of us stand somewhere in between, hoping and expecting, but deep down doubting that anything of significance will really be different.
I am sure Mary, the mother of Jesus, stood with us in mixed expectations as she gave birth this night so many years ago.
A baby. God with us. Emmanuel. Unexpected and unrecognized by most.
Tonight in our hearts let us be still.
Watch. Wait. Wonder. God is with each of us in the depths of our hearts and souls, longing for us to recognize His being in our hearts in the ordinary ways of our days. We are deeply loved. Each of us was created carefully and uniquely in love and care. Let go of all the religious debates and superficial wrappings of His gift. Let us feel his Love this night in our souls.
Wishing the blessings of God with us in love and hope tonight.
Monday, 4 November 2013
Abba
I wonder what that small little word made up of the first two letters of the alphabet squared means to you?
For some of us it brings thoughts of a rock band Abba (cadabara) and in turn the wonderful surprises in the mystery of abracadabra. The word also immediately transports me into the loving arms of the Daddy Father God. I am reminded of the passage in the Bible where the apostle Paul says to the Romans, "So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God's Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, "Abba, Father."" (Romans 8:15) In the language of that time Abba means Daddy or Papa. God does adopt us as His own, longing to be in close and loving relationship with Him like a loving Daddy.
Hung high, up some stairs and around the corner in a corridor near that same art studio that I visited on the weekend was another wonderful painting that has settled in my heart. "We love Abba" was sprawled across its vibrant and colourful canvas. Although I have no idea of its actual context in the mind of its creator, part of what I love about art is the unique reactions and creative process that continues in the canvas of each heart that the work is touching. I was immediately brought to the heart of God and His adoption of me when I saw that painting. God for me is vibrant and colourful, a caring and loving Father who adopts and includes us in His heavenly earthly family.
Unmistakable in the painting were dark spears emerging from the canvas. I was not surprised. Those spears brought the paradox of my faith and the complexities of fear to mind. I thought of the sharp crown of thorns on Christ's head and the spears that often pierce hearts when the word Christianity or God is mentioned. Often our reaction to God is one of fear. Even misplaced Christians use tactics of fear to try to draw others to God. God repeats over and over to those encountering His presence "Do not be afraid!" God is our loving Papa. As Paul states, we are not to ever be in bondage to fear. The very good news of Christianity is to bring love, not fear. As our Father, God is full of overwhelming joy and love in our presence. Like the Father in the story of the prodigal son that went away and then returned home in humility to a wonderful welcome of love, the very thought of us causes God to smile and run toward us in loving embrace.
For some of us it brings thoughts of a rock band Abba (cadabara) and in turn the wonderful surprises in the mystery of abracadabra. The word also immediately transports me into the loving arms of the Daddy Father God. I am reminded of the passage in the Bible where the apostle Paul says to the Romans, "So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God's Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, "Abba, Father."" (Romans 8:15) In the language of that time Abba means Daddy or Papa. God does adopt us as His own, longing to be in close and loving relationship with Him like a loving Daddy.
Hung high, up some stairs and around the corner in a corridor near that same art studio that I visited on the weekend was another wonderful painting that has settled in my heart. "We love Abba" was sprawled across its vibrant and colourful canvas. Although I have no idea of its actual context in the mind of its creator, part of what I love about art is the unique reactions and creative process that continues in the canvas of each heart that the work is touching. I was immediately brought to the heart of God and His adoption of me when I saw that painting. God for me is vibrant and colourful, a caring and loving Father who adopts and includes us in His heavenly earthly family.
Unmistakable in the painting were dark spears emerging from the canvas. I was not surprised. Those spears brought the paradox of my faith and the complexities of fear to mind. I thought of the sharp crown of thorns on Christ's head and the spears that often pierce hearts when the word Christianity or God is mentioned. Often our reaction to God is one of fear. Even misplaced Christians use tactics of fear to try to draw others to God. God repeats over and over to those encountering His presence "Do not be afraid!" God is our loving Papa. As Paul states, we are not to ever be in bondage to fear. The very good news of Christianity is to bring love, not fear. As our Father, God is full of overwhelming joy and love in our presence. Like the Father in the story of the prodigal son that went away and then returned home in humility to a wonderful welcome of love, the very thought of us causes God to smile and run toward us in loving embrace.
Still, considering my Christian God does bring sharp fearful spears of unknown to me. My faith is not always comfortable. I am not sure that we are always on target in our interpretation of the words of the Bible. Too often they seem to divide and pierce rather than unite. I am so hugely sad and sorry for all the pain that Christianity has and is causing many.
Still, I believe that Christ was God. I believe that God is our loving Abba father. I take it all, colour, radiance, love and spears and try to myself live the life of love and unity that is the strong fabric of the whole of God's being both in Christ and the Bible. It is not easy or clearly explainable. It involves both joy and sorrow, love and fear. Through it all I am convinced that the vibrance of love wins. As Paul so clearly says, let's not fall into that fear. Join the love of adoption by God.
Abbacadabra. Abba. Father. Love, not fear. Love.
Sunday, 3 November 2013
Unexpected Creation
Family members have been asking me where the blogs have gone over these last weeks. It seems that these blogs are for us all a good way to keep updated with one another as we are scattered in the various places we call home. I am not good at expressing my feelings over the phone, and even though sometimes I feel my writing is cliche and repetitive, as one daughter exclaimed, she actually looks forward to her daily dose of cliche and sharing laughter with her mum!
This weekend I got to spend time with another daughter in her art studio. Amidst the clutter, pungent smells and stark utility of the place one large work of art particularly grabbed my attention and settled deep in my heart. It was a unique creation of blue propped up against a wall in the studio, mysteriously eye catching because actually it was a huge home made tray, originally created to catch the paint drippings from other works of art hung above it. In the process of the paint flowing down, paper thrown on top and bare feet captured in the drippings, an amazing work was created, completely inadvertently and by surprise in the process of working on other more intentional pieces.
I was deeply encouraged in my own heart in the process. Most of my life is focussed on helping to let the beauty and unique attributes of others unfold in the canvasses of their journeys. With my big family, I feel like I have a whole lot of canvasses hanging from the rafters that need attention. I am that tray underneath, functional and full of all the drippings! It was a gift for me to think that maybe without me even noticing, a work of art is being created in the tray of my life as well. Part of that tray painting reminded me of the delight of finding fossils. Even though we don't often consciously realize it, our lives are great beds of fossils that create beauty and story to be saved and discovered. All of our lives work together to form those works of art that we may ourselves never really see or appreciate fully. Still, they are often the most beautiful and wonderful creations of all.
Be encouraged in being who you are created to be. Even those functional trays bring beauty and encouragement in the process of doing their ordinary work! Look with creative and discovering eyes at the patterns and fossils left in your own journey. We are all works of art created in the unexpected with surprising delight!
This weekend I got to spend time with another daughter in her art studio. Amidst the clutter, pungent smells and stark utility of the place one large work of art particularly grabbed my attention and settled deep in my heart. It was a unique creation of blue propped up against a wall in the studio, mysteriously eye catching because actually it was a huge home made tray, originally created to catch the paint drippings from other works of art hung above it. In the process of the paint flowing down, paper thrown on top and bare feet captured in the drippings, an amazing work was created, completely inadvertently and by surprise in the process of working on other more intentional pieces.
I was deeply encouraged in my own heart in the process. Most of my life is focussed on helping to let the beauty and unique attributes of others unfold in the canvasses of their journeys. With my big family, I feel like I have a whole lot of canvasses hanging from the rafters that need attention. I am that tray underneath, functional and full of all the drippings! It was a gift for me to think that maybe without me even noticing, a work of art is being created in the tray of my life as well. Part of that tray painting reminded me of the delight of finding fossils. Even though we don't often consciously realize it, our lives are great beds of fossils that create beauty and story to be saved and discovered. All of our lives work together to form those works of art that we may ourselves never really see or appreciate fully. Still, they are often the most beautiful and wonderful creations of all.
Be encouraged in being who you are created to be. Even those functional trays bring beauty and encouragement in the process of doing their ordinary work! Look with creative and discovering eyes at the patterns and fossils left in your own journey. We are all works of art created in the unexpected with surprising delight!
Monday, 9 September 2013
Our Stories
Already the homework has started. Homework is especially challenging for my girls as these early assignments in high school seem to invariably involve the telling of their stories. We all have multifaceted and layered life stories that often trigger single stories for others. I have recently been deeply impacted by Chimamanda Adichie's TED talk about the danger of a single story in our lives. For our children the label of foster child and adoption brings up many presuppositions of a single strand story that can be dangerous. As my daughter wrote about her life yesterday, she started by writing that every cell in her body was resisting the writing of her story. Recently she was at a summer camp where she was able to share many strands of her story in great detail for the first time. She spoke to a small and caring work crew group who embraced her, prayed for her, and saw beyond any single strand in her story to accept the whole complex person she is now. For now at school, she decided to write two stories. One is for her teacher, including several strands of her life with details of her past. The other emphasizes other superficial single strand parts of her life and will be the one she shares with the class who she does not know well or trust.
Conscious awareness and acknowledgement of the many strands and layers of our stories is an important part of growth for us all. Coming to understand the reality of the many strands that influence us in the present can take many years and is an ongoing life process of self discovery in itself. In the writing of several strands of her life my daughter stepped over some difficult hurdles that will bring ongoing healing and self understanding and acceptance. It was important to walk beside her on this difficult road yesterday, helping her to integrate and accept all of who she is in her understanding of herself.
For all of us, it is important to continue to discover and remember the many strands of our stories. Some strands are full of pain and shame. Like my daughter, we will want to chose carefully who we share these with. Still, human relationship is central to our being. Find someone who can help walk with you in the telling and acknowledging of all parts of your story. There are parts of the stories of my children and husband that may not be helpful to share with me. In some traditions people share these parts with their priests or wise healers. Find those healers for you. They may be counsellors, trusted friends or writing. Discover the adventure of the diamonds and strong multistranded ropes within your own soul. Uncover and embrace the fullness of your whole story. Be careful of the safe tendency to create those safe single stories both in yourself and others. They are dangerous in the end and rob us all of the immeasurable richness of all parts of what it means to be a human being.
Conscious awareness and acknowledgement of the many strands and layers of our stories is an important part of growth for us all. Coming to understand the reality of the many strands that influence us in the present can take many years and is an ongoing life process of self discovery in itself. In the writing of several strands of her life my daughter stepped over some difficult hurdles that will bring ongoing healing and self understanding and acceptance. It was important to walk beside her on this difficult road yesterday, helping her to integrate and accept all of who she is in her understanding of herself.
For all of us, it is important to continue to discover and remember the many strands of our stories. Some strands are full of pain and shame. Like my daughter, we will want to chose carefully who we share these with. Still, human relationship is central to our being. Find someone who can help walk with you in the telling and acknowledging of all parts of your story. There are parts of the stories of my children and husband that may not be helpful to share with me. In some traditions people share these parts with their priests or wise healers. Find those healers for you. They may be counsellors, trusted friends or writing. Discover the adventure of the diamonds and strong multistranded ropes within your own soul. Uncover and embrace the fullness of your whole story. Be careful of the safe tendency to create those safe single stories both in yourself and others. They are dangerous in the end and rob us all of the immeasurable richness of all parts of what it means to be a human being.
Saturday, 7 September 2013
One Step at a Time!
Gears shift and grind. Labour Day brings reminders of the pain and joys and struggles of the birthing process that encompasses all new beginnings in life.
Life is full of ebbing and flowing, rest and activity, words and silence. After a time of blogging silence, it is time for me to step forward again.
As in so many things, we need to just take one small step ahead at a time. Sometimes it will feel that those steps only take us backward, but it is the showing up and attempting to take the steps that makes all the difference in the end.
A couple of my children started at a new and very large high school this week. The anticipation of this new beginning has brought many fears and challenges over the last months. Finally the day of actually going to a new school has come! The general impression of my girls has been of love and kindness by those around them. They have noticed angels of kindness in many ways this last week. A schedule was changed quickly and easily. Though a record of unnoticed overdue library books followed them to the new school and could have prevented them from getting their text books, forgiveness and mercy was extended and the textbooks were given. A support aide drew close to one daughter again and again in several of her classes, giving support and friendly care and guidance. Several teachers went over and above in their friendly love and care for the new individuals in their care. One fellow student obviously was not able to sit still and caused disruption and challenge wherever he went, but my girls noticed the teachers extending love and care again and again. They in turn felt accepted and understood by the care given to others.
Stepping forward to the new beginning of this September I am reminded again to go forward with the intention of goodness, love and mercy. I am confident that even in my own stumbling efforts and uncertainties just one step at a time, that God's goodness and unfailing love will chase after me. (Psalm 23) May we take those faltering small steps of kind words and love extended. We may not see how they are noticed. Be God's hands and feet of kindness and love and understanding forgiveness caring for others these days! One step at a time.
Life is full of ebbing and flowing, rest and activity, words and silence. After a time of blogging silence, it is time for me to step forward again.
As in so many things, we need to just take one small step ahead at a time. Sometimes it will feel that those steps only take us backward, but it is the showing up and attempting to take the steps that makes all the difference in the end.
A couple of my children started at a new and very large high school this week. The anticipation of this new beginning has brought many fears and challenges over the last months. Finally the day of actually going to a new school has come! The general impression of my girls has been of love and kindness by those around them. They have noticed angels of kindness in many ways this last week. A schedule was changed quickly and easily. Though a record of unnoticed overdue library books followed them to the new school and could have prevented them from getting their text books, forgiveness and mercy was extended and the textbooks were given. A support aide drew close to one daughter again and again in several of her classes, giving support and friendly care and guidance. Several teachers went over and above in their friendly love and care for the new individuals in their care. One fellow student obviously was not able to sit still and caused disruption and challenge wherever he went, but my girls noticed the teachers extending love and care again and again. They in turn felt accepted and understood by the care given to others.
Stepping forward to the new beginning of this September I am reminded again to go forward with the intention of goodness, love and mercy. I am confident that even in my own stumbling efforts and uncertainties just one step at a time, that God's goodness and unfailing love will chase after me. (Psalm 23) May we take those faltering small steps of kind words and love extended. We may not see how they are noticed. Be God's hands and feet of kindness and love and understanding forgiveness caring for others these days! One step at a time.
Tuesday, 13 August 2013
Crazy Ways!
When love says go and we listen to the nudgings of our hearts from God, our ways often appear crazy. Others shake their heads at our risky steps forward, and often we ourselves have our doubts about our choices too! Don't be surprised that your ways may not always seem to make sense when you start to walk forward. Even the apostle Paul says that God made foolish the wisdom of the world! (1 Corinthians 1:20). God often calls people to follow Him without knowing clearly what is ahead. I so often think of Abraham, who as an elderly man, headed off into the desert in faith and love for God.
These days I am excited for several of my friends who are taking "crazy" steps forward, trusting the still and quiet voice of their hearts and beings. Although often we never really have complete assurance in our steps forward, I so respect my friends for taking the "road less taken" in their life journeys. What an adventure to take those risks of the heart! Yes, in those risky steps we are more open to disappointment and pain, but in the perspective of the whole of life, how wonderful to be open to living life fully and richly in faith and perseverance.
My friends, I am inspired by your crazy steps forward in loving faith! I am full of joy and hope as you take the high road, following your hearts in God. My love and prayers are with you with much respect, standing with you in both the challenging and wonderful times ahead. May you know God's tender love and care as you step out in faith.
These days I am excited for several of my friends who are taking "crazy" steps forward, trusting the still and quiet voice of their hearts and beings. Although often we never really have complete assurance in our steps forward, I so respect my friends for taking the "road less taken" in their life journeys. What an adventure to take those risks of the heart! Yes, in those risky steps we are more open to disappointment and pain, but in the perspective of the whole of life, how wonderful to be open to living life fully and richly in faith and perseverance.
My friends, I am inspired by your crazy steps forward in loving faith! I am full of joy and hope as you take the high road, following your hearts in God. My love and prayers are with you with much respect, standing with you in both the challenging and wonderful times ahead. May you know God's tender love and care as you step out in faith.
Monday, 12 August 2013
Love Says Go!
This has been an exciting week for our oldest adult son, Jason. He has just published his first book, called "Love Says Go." I have not yet read it and am waiting in anticipation for it to arrive, but I have already been encouraged and challenged by the title.
Yes, I do want to be known for love. As Jason challenges, true love gets out into the world and acts! I do believe that God is love and that it is He who flows through the open channels of our beings to bring love to others. We are all God's hands and feet of love in the world. Those hands and feet start to love in the ordinary places of where we are now!
Sometimes that thought overwhelms me. Where do I start to go with love? First I have to be still and listen for those nudgings of God's Spirit. Most often those are only tentative wonderings. They are easy to miss and most often they seem insignificant. Our life was changed that day I picked up the phone and called 1-877-ADOPT-07 to simply inquire about the process of local adoption. A process was started. Later I made another call to check if our daughters' foster sister might like to join us on our holiday. Adoption was not on our mind for her, but that holiday began a process that lead to her being our daughter. Usually the nudgings are less obvious and outwardly dramatic. They may be an answer to an email or a kind word said in passing to a shop clerk. They may be slowing down to ask a stranger about their day, or to remember a friend's birthday. Today a friend from many years ago called just to say hello. Love is most simply but most difficulty being patient and kind. It is not a resounding gong that many notice. It protects, trusts and hopes in perseverance.
It is not easy to go out and love. Love starts in the quietness of our hearts and I believe that God gives us both the nudgings and the strength to go forward. I know that I miss more opportunities to love than I take! The great news is that there are always more chances tomorrow. The opportunities to love are infinite. Thanks Jason, for the encouragement. Love says Go.
Yes, I do want to be known for love. As Jason challenges, true love gets out into the world and acts! I do believe that God is love and that it is He who flows through the open channels of our beings to bring love to others. We are all God's hands and feet of love in the world. Those hands and feet start to love in the ordinary places of where we are now!
Sometimes that thought overwhelms me. Where do I start to go with love? First I have to be still and listen for those nudgings of God's Spirit. Most often those are only tentative wonderings. They are easy to miss and most often they seem insignificant. Our life was changed that day I picked up the phone and called 1-877-ADOPT-07 to simply inquire about the process of local adoption. A process was started. Later I made another call to check if our daughters' foster sister might like to join us on our holiday. Adoption was not on our mind for her, but that holiday began a process that lead to her being our daughter. Usually the nudgings are less obvious and outwardly dramatic. They may be an answer to an email or a kind word said in passing to a shop clerk. They may be slowing down to ask a stranger about their day, or to remember a friend's birthday. Today a friend from many years ago called just to say hello. Love is most simply but most difficulty being patient and kind. It is not a resounding gong that many notice. It protects, trusts and hopes in perseverance.
It is not easy to go out and love. Love starts in the quietness of our hearts and I believe that God gives us both the nudgings and the strength to go forward. I know that I miss more opportunities to love than I take! The great news is that there are always more chances tomorrow. The opportunities to love are infinite. Thanks Jason, for the encouragement. Love says Go.
Sunday, 11 August 2013
Identity
This long hot summer has been a special time for our four youngest daughters to connect and spend lazy hours together. As they are almost all teens, I have been struck by their closeness in age. This is the one and only summer that they will all be the same height. They are at a crucial stage of their lives as they begin to accept and acknowledge their own identities. In reality, though their days are spent in similar ways, their similarities stop there with their ages, heights and doings.
Each daughter is emerging in their own special ways. I delight in the deep down radiating essence of each. I wonder at what defines their very unique entities in a way that can be called their identity? As a parent, I want to allow their heart true essence to emerge and be welcomed. I am also aware of my place in helping them to unfold in healthy ways.
For each of the children, I take seriously our role as parents to offer choices of activities and interests and basic core values that will lead to their own development of their identities. I do want all the children to learn to swim safely, so they do consistently take swimming lessons through the year, even if they are not passionate about swimming. Each child has had some exposure to music lessons of one kind or another. Most have chosen not to continue, but some have truly found that playing an instrument is a joy and part of their chosen identity. All the girls have chosen to take dance lessons. Again, some have continued and others have moved on to other areas of interest. One daughter is passionate about cooking. Another is an artist. One son is most happy in the wilderness, hiking and climbing. Another loves everything to do with psychology. Some like to read and others do not. Some are more social than others. Those things are part of their delightfully emerging identities. We have tried to offer the children and ourselves varied options of things that contribute to their identities and have also been available to encourage even attributes that are different from those offered but which come from within.
We are a multicultural family at our very core, as my husband is of Chinese descent and I am from British descent. Our children also bring other cultures. Each child differs in the impact that their cultural identity has for them. One child has struggled with her perception, for example, of her Chinese heritage. She has not embraced that. Even within our genetic cultural beings, we have choice about the importance of that in our understanding of our own identity. I feel a responsibility to offer our children coming from different cultures opportunities to learn and practice traditions inherent to their cultures, but in the end it will be their choice about how much that becomes a part of their identity.
My husband and I do love God and our identity as Christians is central to our being. Though we have struggles with some of the cultural and specific outworkings of that identity even for ourselves, the children do come with us to church and participate in our family times of prayer and activity, as imperfect as those sometimes are. Some children may eventually chose to follow Christ themselves, while for others Christianity may not be a part of their faith identity. I do know people who chose not to take their children to church or a faith community as they want them to freely determine their own identity. In so many areas, we have chosen to go ahead in our own areas of interest and identity and offer our children wide ranging experiences so that they will eventually be choosing from places of understanding and experience. In those areas that we do not have experience, we have seen that the desires and inclinations of identity often emerge from each of us regardless!
For much of my life I have struggled with my own identity and have been often caught in comparing myself to others. Some external things that I have so desired to be a part of my identity have never happened. I have been jealous of those for whom those desired things are a part of their identity. I have struggled to have my true heart identity fit with what I might like it to be. Sometimes it has felt that the reality of my identity is never quite what I would like. I recognize that sometimes I have identified myself as a "human doing" rather than the "human being" that I am! As the years have gone by, I have noticed that when it comes to respecting the identities of others there are a few things that stand out for me. Frequently I hardly notice the things that I have felt to be so centrally important in my own life. When I chose my friends, for example, I often do not notice if they are married, if they have kids, if they are social with lots of friends, or what they are even doing for an occupation. What I do notice are the qualities and essence of their being. I notice those fruits of the spirit. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, self-control and gentleness. Most important of those is love. Those are not qualities that I would immediately think were qualities of identity, but certainly these days I am struck increasingly by their important and most central impact. They are qualities that are expressed in uniquely different ways by each of us. I value and delight in those different ways, but when all is said and done, I do hope that those core qualities available to us all will be what shines forth most in me as my identity. May I mostly be a person of love, undergirding and covering all things. Certainly that is what I notice first in others.
Each daughter is emerging in their own special ways. I delight in the deep down radiating essence of each. I wonder at what defines their very unique entities in a way that can be called their identity? As a parent, I want to allow their heart true essence to emerge and be welcomed. I am also aware of my place in helping them to unfold in healthy ways.
For each of the children, I take seriously our role as parents to offer choices of activities and interests and basic core values that will lead to their own development of their identities. I do want all the children to learn to swim safely, so they do consistently take swimming lessons through the year, even if they are not passionate about swimming. Each child has had some exposure to music lessons of one kind or another. Most have chosen not to continue, but some have truly found that playing an instrument is a joy and part of their chosen identity. All the girls have chosen to take dance lessons. Again, some have continued and others have moved on to other areas of interest. One daughter is passionate about cooking. Another is an artist. One son is most happy in the wilderness, hiking and climbing. Another loves everything to do with psychology. Some like to read and others do not. Some are more social than others. Those things are part of their delightfully emerging identities. We have tried to offer the children and ourselves varied options of things that contribute to their identities and have also been available to encourage even attributes that are different from those offered but which come from within.
We are a multicultural family at our very core, as my husband is of Chinese descent and I am from British descent. Our children also bring other cultures. Each child differs in the impact that their cultural identity has for them. One child has struggled with her perception, for example, of her Chinese heritage. She has not embraced that. Even within our genetic cultural beings, we have choice about the importance of that in our understanding of our own identity. I feel a responsibility to offer our children coming from different cultures opportunities to learn and practice traditions inherent to their cultures, but in the end it will be their choice about how much that becomes a part of their identity.
My husband and I do love God and our identity as Christians is central to our being. Though we have struggles with some of the cultural and specific outworkings of that identity even for ourselves, the children do come with us to church and participate in our family times of prayer and activity, as imperfect as those sometimes are. Some children may eventually chose to follow Christ themselves, while for others Christianity may not be a part of their faith identity. I do know people who chose not to take their children to church or a faith community as they want them to freely determine their own identity. In so many areas, we have chosen to go ahead in our own areas of interest and identity and offer our children wide ranging experiences so that they will eventually be choosing from places of understanding and experience. In those areas that we do not have experience, we have seen that the desires and inclinations of identity often emerge from each of us regardless!
For much of my life I have struggled with my own identity and have been often caught in comparing myself to others. Some external things that I have so desired to be a part of my identity have never happened. I have been jealous of those for whom those desired things are a part of their identity. I have struggled to have my true heart identity fit with what I might like it to be. Sometimes it has felt that the reality of my identity is never quite what I would like. I recognize that sometimes I have identified myself as a "human doing" rather than the "human being" that I am! As the years have gone by, I have noticed that when it comes to respecting the identities of others there are a few things that stand out for me. Frequently I hardly notice the things that I have felt to be so centrally important in my own life. When I chose my friends, for example, I often do not notice if they are married, if they have kids, if they are social with lots of friends, or what they are even doing for an occupation. What I do notice are the qualities and essence of their being. I notice those fruits of the spirit. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, self-control and gentleness. Most important of those is love. Those are not qualities that I would immediately think were qualities of identity, but certainly these days I am struck increasingly by their important and most central impact. They are qualities that are expressed in uniquely different ways by each of us. I value and delight in those different ways, but when all is said and done, I do hope that those core qualities available to us all will be what shines forth most in me as my identity. May I mostly be a person of love, undergirding and covering all things. Certainly that is what I notice first in others.
Saturday, 10 August 2013
Special Gifts
There are gifts to be had in almost every life situation. Although I deeply wish that my youngest girls could have avoided the turmoil and trauma of their early years, somehow they have become who they are today through all of their life experiences. I want to embrace all of who they are and help them turn those stumbling blocks of their earlier years into stepping stones to deeper and richer understandings and life today. We all have no alternative but to go forward, using all of our life for good now and in the future.
One of the gifts of spending many years in a full foster home with many babies is that our girls have had lots of exposure to different children and have learned how to care for babies. Our three youngest spent the last two days with their foster family, helping to care for their younger kids to try to give their foster parents a couple of days of relative rest. The girls are gifted in caring for little kids and relating to them. They learned amazing skills of baby care and compassion from the years spent with their very wonderful foster mom. For a couple of days they have helped play with an assortment of younger children, spending hours outside and watching out for their younger foster siblings. It was a win-win situation. The younger kids had a wonderful few days of play, our children got to learn responsibility and also lots of fun play too, and their foster parents had a bit of a break as all the kids entertained one another! The girls are growing in compassion and understanding for other children as well. They have known so many other children from situations like their own which has helped them reflect and process some of their own challenging feelings.
Spending time with their foster family brings a multitude of emotions back to our kids. We will have lots of processing time and long hugs in the next few days. There will be subtle dysregulation that I know is from the emotions emerging from this time. We will talk and process and hug with constant reassurance of our love. This time away was a part of the children fully living life with people who we all love and respect. Together, we will help them to not fear the mixed emotions that emerge, always using the challenges for those positive areas of growth and deeper understanding of themselves and others.
One of the gifts of spending many years in a full foster home with many babies is that our girls have had lots of exposure to different children and have learned how to care for babies. Our three youngest spent the last two days with their foster family, helping to care for their younger kids to try to give their foster parents a couple of days of relative rest. The girls are gifted in caring for little kids and relating to them. They learned amazing skills of baby care and compassion from the years spent with their very wonderful foster mom. For a couple of days they have helped play with an assortment of younger children, spending hours outside and watching out for their younger foster siblings. It was a win-win situation. The younger kids had a wonderful few days of play, our children got to learn responsibility and also lots of fun play too, and their foster parents had a bit of a break as all the kids entertained one another! The girls are growing in compassion and understanding for other children as well. They have known so many other children from situations like their own which has helped them reflect and process some of their own challenging feelings.
Spending time with their foster family brings a multitude of emotions back to our kids. We will have lots of processing time and long hugs in the next few days. There will be subtle dysregulation that I know is from the emotions emerging from this time. We will talk and process and hug with constant reassurance of our love. This time away was a part of the children fully living life with people who we all love and respect. Together, we will help them to not fear the mixed emotions that emerge, always using the challenges for those positive areas of growth and deeper understanding of themselves and others.
Friday, 9 August 2013
The Village
It does take a village to raise a child! In our often isolated culture where everyone is working long hours to make ends meet it is often difficult to connect with others who will have the time and desire to get to know us and our children. I have always wanted to make connections with others, but have felt insecure building those important relationships. In the midst of my own full life, those connections have sometimes seemed to me to be impossible. I have prayed for significant relationships for myself and my children. Over the years I have been delightfully surprised in the answers to those rather unbelieving prayers. People have approached me and wanted to get to know our kids. Sometimes the children make their own connections with wonderful people who then become family friends. Our girls have spent several days this summer with an incredible woman who initially met them in the Sunday School at our very large church. Somehow she never really connected with me until several months after beginning a relationship with the girls. She has now become a close friend and significant support for us all. I am delighting that my children have brought me a new friend! In turn, I know that the girls have been a blessing to her. She has always wanted a daughter and sees the answer to her own prayers in our girls. They love her and delight in her care for them. She sees beyond some of their behaviours to their kind hearts within. Even before knowing me well, she took some time off work and asked me if she could take the girls on some day trips. Thank you, my friend, for offering your loving and caring self to us all as a most wonderful gift.
Part of my own journey has been about balancing both the giving and receiving in life. I have always felt that it is more important to give than to receive, and have stubbornly blasted ahead determined to give as much as I can. In attempting to give, I never had time to see the offerings of the gifts of others. I ignored the gift of receiving and did not cultivate that important skill of receptivity and humility. To be always the giver can, at its extreme, be a place of arrogant control. At times I have taken on the position of what a friend calls,"CEO of the universe." I still want to be a giver, but also want to sit back and let God be God, being receptive and observant to the many gifts that others offer. Those gifts come in varied and unique packages, sometimes almost like the trick wrapping that so delights my kids. I am learning to delight in the receiving from many places, including from our children and those others who are those we are attempting to give to. Sometimes, in fact, the giving is richer for the receiving.
Connections of all sorts in the village of our lives. We all so need and desire those connections, but do not always notice and receive their gift. I get concerned that my children have a meaningful and supportive village in the future, but I want to increasingly trust in the goodness and care of God and others. Thank you to so many friends for the miracles of connection in both giving and receiving in love and gentleness. For all of us, may we be still. Receive and feel the warm sun on your face, like those many gifts given each day.
Part of my own journey has been about balancing both the giving and receiving in life. I have always felt that it is more important to give than to receive, and have stubbornly blasted ahead determined to give as much as I can. In attempting to give, I never had time to see the offerings of the gifts of others. I ignored the gift of receiving and did not cultivate that important skill of receptivity and humility. To be always the giver can, at its extreme, be a place of arrogant control. At times I have taken on the position of what a friend calls,"CEO of the universe." I still want to be a giver, but also want to sit back and let God be God, being receptive and observant to the many gifts that others offer. Those gifts come in varied and unique packages, sometimes almost like the trick wrapping that so delights my kids. I am learning to delight in the receiving from many places, including from our children and those others who are those we are attempting to give to. Sometimes, in fact, the giving is richer for the receiving.
Connections of all sorts in the village of our lives. We all so need and desire those connections, but do not always notice and receive their gift. I get concerned that my children have a meaningful and supportive village in the future, but I want to increasingly trust in the goodness and care of God and others. Thank you to so many friends for the miracles of connection in both giving and receiving in love and gentleness. For all of us, may we be still. Receive and feel the warm sun on your face, like those many gifts given each day.
Those first five years!
The other day our psychologist made a passing comment about the effect of early trauma in the lives of our children. She said that trauma in those first five years can take at least twenty-five years to work through! I must say I was encouraged by her comment, ignoring the "at least" and gaining hope that maybe in twenty-five years my kids will have come to some levels of healing! Whew... maybe by the time they are thirty....! Of course life is full of so many surprises and twists and turns. Defining lives lived and healing as "successful" or not is all relative and dependent on our life values and perspectives. I once heard a speaker assert that if only we can clean out the debris in the lives of our children, all can be "well." Her comment did not ring true to me in light of the complicated life- long issues of our children, and unfortunately I missed a good deal of the rest of her talk as I fumed over what I felt were false promises held out. Nevertheless, old patterns can be changed, people do grow and heal, and brains do make more connections. I must not forget to have hope in the daily grind of life with kids from places of trauma!
As I made arrangements for ongoing therapy for a couple of my kids today I was reminded again that our society does not recognize the need for help for emotional well-being in the same way as for our medical concerns. Often medication is the first and only stop for the emotional pain and dysregulation of our children. Therapy is seen as costly and time-consuming and an optional extra that may or may not "work" and should be reserved for the most difficult problems. Sometimes when those more obvious problems do occur, therapeutic intervention is too late. Watch out for those little signs of emotional concern in your kids. I do believe that all children need other adults to be there for them. Often for children who have not had to walk through the turmoil of trauma those adults do not need to be professional counsellors, but I firmly believe that for our children who have undergone the significant trauma of adoption, professional help is a vital life line. The reality is that adoption alone is a monumental trauma. Most of our kids have many other levels of trauma as well. Our children often come to us as complicated and hurting souls. They desperately need a person skilled in the effect of trauma to stand with them over the years and in the different ages and stages of their lives. Mothers and fathers are often too close and wrapped up in the impact of secondary trauma to be able to handle the emotional challenges single-handedly. Therapists can bring hope and healing to our children and ourselves. It may not be fast and immediate, but it can be very effective!
We introduced counsellors into the lives of our children by adoption in their early years. Of course the timing varied for each of the children, but we started by seeking help for ourselves even before we adopted. The children did not meet the therapists in those early days, but just as we introduced our physician in the first year, so we introduced our family psychologist as the "feelings" doctor. The children have not had therapy consistently, but during different stages have had differing degrees of contact. We have had some significant issues emerge, but because the children already had a relationship with the therapist, we were able to access effective help immediately when it was needed. It is easier to start a relationship with a therapist when the children are young and before the issues are overwhelming. Because of that early relationship of trust, our children now freely ask to see their therapist and look forward to the skilled care, listening and love that they deeply associate with her. Therapy has been expensive and time-consuming, but emotional needs are not easy to navigate in either our children or ourselves! Adoption brings its own huge complexities for us all. We have all needed the support and insights and intervention of skilled therapeutic professionals. Do not wait to get help! It is easy to ignore those early signs of emotional challenges in both ourselves and our kids. I have been surprised that therapy has given us all huge unexpected hope and growth. Find a therapist skilled in issues of children, trauma, and adoption. I know those people are rare. We drive over an hour each way for one of our children's psychologist. For some, telephone consultations may be the only option. I cannot stress enough how important it has been for us as parents and for our children to have specialized emotional intervention through this journey. It is not wise to go on this adoption adventure alone! Take the risk and find a therapist you and your children like and trust. Start with yourself, even if you think you may not need the help. You may be surprised. Adoption is a long distance endeavour that I honestly could not have continued if I did not have a skilled psychologist caring for both me and my children. You will need many layers of help from many people, but just as you have a medical doctor, go for it and start developing a relationship with a person skilled in the challenges of emotional health. I wish you wisdom and success in finding just the right person to be your emotional guide through the dangerous and rugged terrain of those adoption mountains. Who knows, that person may also help you in the unexpected and hidden challenges of your own self. Adoption started my journey with a psychologist, but over the years my own heart and life has been transformed and personal healing has emerged through the gift of that relationship. I now wish that I had accessed therapeutic help for myself years ago. Take that leap into the unknown even when others tell you it is excessive and unnecessary. I am so thankful I did.
As I made arrangements for ongoing therapy for a couple of my kids today I was reminded again that our society does not recognize the need for help for emotional well-being in the same way as for our medical concerns. Often medication is the first and only stop for the emotional pain and dysregulation of our children. Therapy is seen as costly and time-consuming and an optional extra that may or may not "work" and should be reserved for the most difficult problems. Sometimes when those more obvious problems do occur, therapeutic intervention is too late. Watch out for those little signs of emotional concern in your kids. I do believe that all children need other adults to be there for them. Often for children who have not had to walk through the turmoil of trauma those adults do not need to be professional counsellors, but I firmly believe that for our children who have undergone the significant trauma of adoption, professional help is a vital life line. The reality is that adoption alone is a monumental trauma. Most of our kids have many other levels of trauma as well. Our children often come to us as complicated and hurting souls. They desperately need a person skilled in the effect of trauma to stand with them over the years and in the different ages and stages of their lives. Mothers and fathers are often too close and wrapped up in the impact of secondary trauma to be able to handle the emotional challenges single-handedly. Therapists can bring hope and healing to our children and ourselves. It may not be fast and immediate, but it can be very effective!
We introduced counsellors into the lives of our children by adoption in their early years. Of course the timing varied for each of the children, but we started by seeking help for ourselves even before we adopted. The children did not meet the therapists in those early days, but just as we introduced our physician in the first year, so we introduced our family psychologist as the "feelings" doctor. The children have not had therapy consistently, but during different stages have had differing degrees of contact. We have had some significant issues emerge, but because the children already had a relationship with the therapist, we were able to access effective help immediately when it was needed. It is easier to start a relationship with a therapist when the children are young and before the issues are overwhelming. Because of that early relationship of trust, our children now freely ask to see their therapist and look forward to the skilled care, listening and love that they deeply associate with her. Therapy has been expensive and time-consuming, but emotional needs are not easy to navigate in either our children or ourselves! Adoption brings its own huge complexities for us all. We have all needed the support and insights and intervention of skilled therapeutic professionals. Do not wait to get help! It is easy to ignore those early signs of emotional challenges in both ourselves and our kids. I have been surprised that therapy has given us all huge unexpected hope and growth. Find a therapist skilled in issues of children, trauma, and adoption. I know those people are rare. We drive over an hour each way for one of our children's psychologist. For some, telephone consultations may be the only option. I cannot stress enough how important it has been for us as parents and for our children to have specialized emotional intervention through this journey. It is not wise to go on this adoption adventure alone! Take the risk and find a therapist you and your children like and trust. Start with yourself, even if you think you may not need the help. You may be surprised. Adoption is a long distance endeavour that I honestly could not have continued if I did not have a skilled psychologist caring for both me and my children. You will need many layers of help from many people, but just as you have a medical doctor, go for it and start developing a relationship with a person skilled in the challenges of emotional health. I wish you wisdom and success in finding just the right person to be your emotional guide through the dangerous and rugged terrain of those adoption mountains. Who knows, that person may also help you in the unexpected and hidden challenges of your own self. Adoption started my journey with a psychologist, but over the years my own heart and life has been transformed and personal healing has emerged through the gift of that relationship. I now wish that I had accessed therapeutic help for myself years ago. Take that leap into the unknown even when others tell you it is excessive and unnecessary. I am so thankful I did.
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