Those first five years!

The other day our psychologist made a passing comment about the effect of early trauma in the lives of our children.  She said that trauma in those first five years can take at least twenty-five years to work through!  I must say I was encouraged by her comment, ignoring the "at least" and gaining hope that maybe in twenty-five years my kids will have come to some levels of healing!  Whew... maybe by the time they are thirty....!  Of course life is full of so many surprises and twists and turns.  Defining lives lived and healing as "successful" or not is all relative and dependent on our life values and perspectives.  I once heard a speaker assert that if only we can clean out the debris in the lives of our children, all can be "well." Her comment did not ring true to me in light of the complicated life- long issues of our children, and unfortunately I missed a good deal of the rest of her talk as I fumed over what I felt were false promises held out.  Nevertheless, old patterns can be changed, people do grow and heal, and brains do make more connections.  I must not forget to have hope in the daily grind of life with kids from places of trauma!

As I made arrangements for ongoing therapy for a couple of my kids today I was reminded again that our society does not recognize the need for help for emotional well-being in the same way as for our medical concerns. Often medication is the first and only stop for the emotional pain and dysregulation of our children.  Therapy is seen as costly and time-consuming and an optional extra that may or may not "work" and should be reserved for the most difficult problems.   Sometimes when those more obvious problems do occur, therapeutic intervention is too late.  Watch out for those little signs of emotional concern in your kids.  I do believe that all children need other adults to be there for them.  Often for children who have not had to walk through the turmoil of trauma those adults do not need to be professional counsellors, but I firmly believe that for our children who have undergone the significant trauma of adoption, professional help is a vital life line.  The reality is that adoption alone is a monumental trauma.  Most of our kids have many other levels of trauma as well.  Our children often come to us as complicated and  hurting souls.  They desperately need a person skilled in the effect of trauma to stand with them over the years and in the different ages and stages of their lives.  Mothers and fathers are often too close and wrapped up in the impact of secondary trauma to be able to handle the emotional challenges single-handedly.  Therapists can bring hope and healing to our children and ourselves.  It may not be fast and immediate, but it can be very effective!

We introduced counsellors into the lives of our children by adoption in their early years.   Of course the timing varied for each of the children, but we started by seeking help for ourselves even before we adopted.  The children did not meet the therapists in those early days, but just as we introduced our physician in the first year, so we introduced our family psychologist as the "feelings" doctor.   The children have not had therapy consistently, but during different stages have had differing degrees of contact.  We have had some significant issues emerge, but because the children already had a relationship with the therapist, we were able to access effective help immediately when it was needed.   It is easier to start a relationship with a therapist when the children are young and before the issues are overwhelming.  Because of that early relationship of trust, our children now freely ask to see their therapist and look forward to the skilled care, listening and love that they deeply associate with her.  Therapy has been expensive and  time-consuming, but emotional needs are not easy to navigate in either our children or ourselves!  Adoption brings its own huge complexities for us all.  We have all needed the support and insights and intervention of skilled therapeutic professionals.  Do not wait to get help!  It is easy to ignore those early signs of emotional challenges in both ourselves and our kids.  I have been surprised that therapy has given us all huge unexpected hope and growth.  Find a therapist skilled in issues of children, trauma, and adoption.  I know those people are rare.  We drive over an hour each way for one of our children's psychologist.  For some, telephone consultations may be the only option.  I cannot stress enough how important it has been for us as parents and for our children to have specialized emotional intervention through this journey.  It is not wise to go on this adoption adventure alone!  Take the risk and find a therapist you and your children like and trust.   Start with yourself, even if you think you may not need the help.  You may be surprised.  Adoption is a long distance endeavour that I honestly could not have continued if I did not have a skilled psychologist caring for both me and my children.  You will need many layers of help from many people, but just as you have a medical doctor, go for it and start developing a relationship with a person skilled in the challenges of emotional health.  I wish you wisdom and success in finding just the right person to be your emotional guide through the dangerous and rugged terrain of those adoption mountains.  Who knows, that person may also help you in the unexpected and hidden challenges of your own self.  Adoption started my journey with a psychologist, but over the years my own heart and life has been transformed and personal healing has emerged through the gift of that relationship.  I now wish that I had accessed therapeutic help for myself years ago.  Take that leap into the unknown even when others tell you it is excessive and unnecessary.  I am so thankful I did.