Matrix is a term with loaded meaning for me. Its original meaning is from the Latin word mater or mother and implies womb. I love the close linking of the ideas of mother and womb. I want to be a person of warmth and loving protection for others in this often scarey and cold world. A matrix also can imply an organizational connection or web. Certainly my life often appears to me as a rather involved and complicated web of connections and relationships creating a rather delightful whole! The classic movie Matrix was also loaded with meaning and interest for me! One of my favourites!
The Matrix I am thinking about today in relation to all these meanings is my car! I love my Toyota Matrix! As many of our older kids have moved away, I now drive my little sporty and peppy Matrix. It feels like a sports car to me after years of driving a big van. It can still carry four kids and a dog cage. The seats move down and with the hatchback it can be filled with bikes and even a large and rather bulky Mulholland stander for my kids at work.
My Matrix is a place of protection and interconnection and even adventure for me and my kids these days. We are often together in the car and it is a place of fun and often very good conversation. Often important words are spoken in the car where I have a captive audience and direct eye contact does not threaten.
I have lots of time to think in my Matrix as I drive along the highway heading up the Fraser River on my way from my community to where I work. I often ponder an analogy that has been so helpful to me over this last year. A counsellor spoke to us at a staff education day. With little toy cars in her hands, she encouraged us to remember to be sure to "drive our own cars!" So often as I care for kids and families facing many challenges, it is easy to feel responsible for helping to lighten their load. Many of us experience anxiety and burnout. Even more with my own children, I often lean over to attempt to drive their lives! I can get so involved directing and driving the lives or cars of others that I forget about my own car. Sometimes I end up being the one to crash! Often it is easier to try to drive the lives of others than my own. Though I feel comfortable and excited about my little Matrix car, my own skin is not always as easy to settle down and rest in. I need to remind myself that I have been given the great gift of my own self to drive in through this life. It is the one life I have been given . My first responsibility must be to settle down in my own skin and be responsible to drive this one life that is mine. I can give help to others and receive help too, but I do need to stay at the wheel of my own life and let those around me have the responsibility for their own lives. As a parent I need to increasingly help my kids take responsibility for their own lives without me always leaning out the window of my life to grab hold of their steering wheels and direct them! Even when my kids need more guidance and direction, I need to keep coming back to my own car. I want to be a safe womb and place of love and care for myself as well as for the matrix of those others around me!
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