The Bigger Picture

It really is not easy to let go of the "success" of our children, of others or especially of ourselves.  What is helpful as we go forward on that journey?  For me, it is not more turning myself inside out for some new approach or technique.  I do believe that while we have an important part to play in determining our own destinies, that is not the whole picture.  Somehow in the mystery that is also part of life, I do believe that ultimately our lives are in the kind and gentle and tender hands of God.  There is more to life than what we can see and manipulate and do.   I do embrace the mysterious twists and turns of fate that I believe to be God's leading and guidance and creation of us as unique beings.

For those times that I feel completely out of control and helpless in the reality of life, where do I turn?  I believe that God has graciously invited us to be a part of the bigger picture of life through prayer and communication with Him.  Again, prayer has many layers of mystery for me.  Still, I pray.  I am thankful that somehow we can be a real part of that big picture for both ourselves and others through our heart cries and prayers and listening for God`s voice through it all.  I do not think that there is one magical formula or recipe for prayer.  Sometimes written prayers are helpful.  Sometimes I pray through the Psalms of David in the Bible.  Most often in those still places of my heart I reach out to God, holding my love and my heart desires to Him.   Usually, I never really see what difference my prayers make.  Still, I pray and communicate as part of the heart of who I am.

Who really knows what happens to those deep heart stirring prayers and those rocket quick prayers thrown out to God through the day?  I'm really not sure.  By faith, though, I do believe that in the big picture and by God's grace my prayers are important and they do make a difference.
Sometimes prayer just comes when I am at the end of myself.  Most often these days prayer is my constant foundation of hope.  Deep down, I know God hears and welcomes all the communication I can give, both big and small.  I listen too for His words, that still small voice of quiet within that is His prayer and communication to me.  The gift of communication with the Creator.   That is what makes all the difference in that big picture for me.

The Game Well-Played!

Tonight my husband and I had a great date together watching our son from afar play soccer.  He and his team are down in the Lower Mainland for the weekend playing several games. As we huddled together in the cold wetness of the evening,  husband and I were impressed by the quality of the soccer played.  We have missed watching soccer regularly now that our son lives up north.  The level of soccer played was great fun to watch and to cheer on.  Congratulations son!

Although the team played extremely well and has improved greatly since we watched them last in the fall, they did not win the game as they would have liked.  The players were disappointed, but it was still a great game and a wonderful evening.  

I was reminded of a conversation that I had with our psychologist earlier in the day.  As parents we can parent well, but the results are not always what we may fully desire.  We have to be careful not to take on responsibility for ultimate healing of our children.  I have spent hours worrying over what I could do to be a better parent.  The bottom line is that there are many different factors that contribute to the health of our children.  It is important to not take on all the responsibility for our children.  We need to learn to enjoy the parenting process and let go of all the final results!  Easier said than done, but still important to remember.  Our kids come with their own propensities and leanings.  They often have many other factors that contribute to their being, including past trauma and any number of challenges.

As parents it does not help our children when we are personally invested in the 'success' of our parenting. Be invested in our kids as they are.  Enjoy the process of parenting.  Keep a healthy perspective, recognizing that we may not be the 'winning' team as we would like.  Be creative in recognizing the great things that we do contribute.  Get help with strategies for effective parenting, do your best, and then take the personal losses as part of this risky game of life!  Watch for those surprising places where there is winning too!  Those wins may not be with the kids, but with helpful shifts in our own approaches and perspectives.  Tonight I cheer on all those involved in this parenting journey, wishing you a  great game full of great moves and healthy perspectives!

Treasured

A friend and I connected by phone today.  She has gone to Eastern Canada to care for her grandchildren there.  Her four year old granddaughter has a brand new baby brother.  I can almost feel the joy and excitement reverberating clear across Canada with the new birth and joy of children.  These children are treasured deeply by a network of loving family.  Each step of these days is surrounded in love and understanding, both for the new baby and for his sister who is now having to share the attention.

During these exciting days of new birth and treasured children I often feel a twinge of sadness for all those who come into a world that is not waiting for their arrival with loving anticipation and joy. Those early days of bonding and "beaming and gleaming" love from parent's eyes to child with the dance of understanding and care are vital in the early foundations of our beings.  The neurological connections formed in those early days of security have been proven to be central to the steady neurological foundation of our being.

Many of our children coming from difficult places where there was no support and love in those early days sometimes learn to cope superficially well.  In times of change and stress, their weak foundation often cracks.  Surprising behaviours erupt.  Overwhelming and uncontrollable feelings emerge.  These can include feelings of abandonment and loss and anger, but often in real life it is difficult to recognize when the foundation is especially weak.  Often both the child and caregivers are caught off guard and tend to react rather than helpfully respond.

It is helpful for me to keep these realities in mind as I parent my children.  I often tend to take their behaviours personally;  in reality I am only the safe lightning rod for much deeper concerns.  I do believe that it is not possible to navigate these waters with our children alone.  They need others who understand their deepest feelings and who know how to help them.  The depth of pain for kids from places of challenge can be overwhelming for both the child and family.  We depend on those specially gifted and educated to help us all.

In the midst of it all, I want my children to feel deeply loved and treasured now!  It may feel late and many wounds are seeping, but still the power of love is important.  Love may not heal our kids and they can certainly be very difficult to love.  Often there are not others who are eager to join us.  Expression of love is still centrally important!   Be creative in ways to express delight and joy in our big kids.  Be wise, and take care of yourself, but always hold on to hope in love for our treasured kids.

The Gift of Deep

I had one of those especially magical days at my work.  I am a physiotherapist working in the community with children  who often have many complex needs.  I usually spend an hour with each child and their family or caregiver, teaching and giving suggestions for movement that can be incorporated into everyday life.  Not every day holds times of outward satisfaction and joy, but sometimes days come together in ways that are profound and remind me of why I am on my present path.

 First thing this morning I had a most wonderful connection with a child
who has many challenges.  I was able to incorporate music, singing, and a multifaceted approach into our hour together so that for the first time she was able to play and function with her preschool buddies outside on the grass and playground equipment.   It was a special moment when I felt that the hour had come together in a helpful way for us all. We were all brought together by a child who would probably not have chosen the challenges that she faces, but together there was great depth in our togetherness as we were trying to help her.

Last thing today I was with a very different child and his mother.  In the quiet of their home the parent gently shared how thankful she is to be able to live a deep life.  The challenges of her child have catapulted her on a road rarely travelled.  The story of her family is not one that she might have chosen or expected, but it is leading her to be a much deeper and more thoughtful person.

Life is like that.  Often we are hit with challenges that we would not have chosen.  They become part of our life story that shapes us.   Those things are different for us all.  Often we do not at first embrace or see any light in the dark valleys of life.  Sometimes  we are blessed to see light streaming over the hills and through the trees into the valley.  In those moments, we see our roads as leading us to places where we have the opportunity to embrace the gifts of deep.  Moments of joy and of meaning come together.

All of us have our own unique paths that can take unexpected turns at any time.  Frequently we do not have clear perspective or light on our paths.  Sometimes we do.  Those moments are gifts to be savoured with thankfulness and joy. No matter what the unique and possibly hidden paths of our lives,  may we come to see the places of depth and meaning that bring multifaceted richness and difference to our days.

Our Nanny

Late last night I made my weekly call to our Nanny.  Nanny is the foster mother of three of my girls.  She has  become one of my closest friends and is an incredible support to me and all the family.  I depend on our weekly calls and often call her frequently during the week.  She is the only other person in the world who deeply knows and loves my children and understands my daily walk.  She knows all the details lived of my children and has an intimate understanding of all the people and circumstances of their lives.  She has experienced their pain and trauma in even more intensity than me.  She is also still walking a similar path herself as a hands-on-mother of three of my kids' foster siblings.   She understands the grief and loss of our children and has fully embraced our other daughter into her ever expanding heart of love.   The blood shared in our tears and sweat shed over the years has united us deeply in ways far more binding and significant than any genetic connection.  I know that she is always there for me and I do rest in her love and full acceptance.

This week I met another lovely person who is in the beginning stages of considering being a foster mum.  Many have discouraged her in her dream.  I do not know where God will lead her, but I certainly know how important is the calling of foster parenting.  My children and all their extended families, birth and otherwise, have been profoundly impacted by the care and sensitive wisdom of our Nanny.  Her loving touch is deeply ingrained in us all.

I know that my special relationship with Nanny and her husband is a rare gift.  At the same time, I feel that sometimes us adoptive parents do not give our foster families the incredible credit that their sacrificial love and care deserves.  One of the previous adoptive families of our daughter may have subconsciously felt that they were rescuing her from foster care.  Somehow my daughter picked up on that subtle message and in panic that her Nanny and foster dad were not known and appreciated by them, she disrupted the adoption.  Nanny and Ken will always be central family, holding a most central place in the hearts of my girls.

My new friend considering foster care, I am praying for you.  Even in this process may you come to appreciate and join in prayer and love for the many amazing foster parents spending their lives for children.

Nanny, I so appreciate and love you.  Thank you for being most deeply the  sister that I always dreamed would love and care for me.  Your constant support, listening ear, and love will continue to bloom and grow and shine in our hearts always.  You and Ken are deeply family to us all.

Deepening Abundance

I have had a weekend of abundance.  Some of you may be smiling and imagining me on a roller coaster moving so quickly from expressions of the difficulties and challenges of life to  abundant joys and richness!  I think the reality is that the rich abundance of life encompasses and surrounds both the struggles and the joys. The Chinese character for "crisis" incorporates the ideas of "dangerous opportunity."  There is great abundance and growth implied in that understanding of crisis.  It is often in the times of walking through difficulties that we learn and grow the most in our own personal abundance.  Through some of the challenges of our days we have known great abundance.  People have surrounded us and cared for us in many ways.  I have known personal triumph and growth in my own ability to grow in love and care.  We have known greatly of God's grace and love in glimpses of light in the ordinary.

Yesterday was a wonderful wedding celebration.  It felt like a watershed moment of abundance for me, through the joy of our friends.  My friend married is my age and has raised her two children by herself for the last twenty years.  She has walked faithfully and has persevered through many challenges.  She and I have met together for weekly late night cups of tea over the last year.  Together we have seen God's grace and leading as she met her husband through the internet.  We had many moments of laughter and disbelief in ourselves as she made that very uncharacteristic and risky leap.  Together we have been learning to wait on God in times of foggy darkness.  Our growth was intertwined with the events of this year, but not all that related to the actual bringing together of such joy.  On its very own our growth was cause for this great celebration of two lives joined.

In the midst of her own preparations this week, my friend brought me these exquisite flowers.  At first I thought I should bring them to the wedding as flower centerpieces, but no, they were just for me.  Exquisite beauty and abundance sitting right in the middle of my own table, full to bursting with both joy and pain and the hope of dangerous opportunity!  Thank you my faithful friend.  May God bless us all in His abundant fullness of life in the now of all circumstances today.

Leaning In

For many years I have had a tattered reproduction of this painting of "The Prodigal Son" by Rembrandt stuck on my bedside table.  It is often the last image that I see as I am falling asleep and the first to welcome me each morning.  The father's incredible love for his son is a great and constant comfort for me.  I am also inspired to have that unwavering love for each of my children and those people in my life.

The prodigal son made many foolish choices.  He took his inheritance and squandered it, only returning home  when he was almost starving and at the end of himself.  Even his motivation for returning home was not because of his love for his father, but because he had no other options for living.  His father welcomed him and took him back because he loved his son, regardless of his choices and motivations for returning.  God is unwavering in His constant care for us, welcoming us back always.  He loves us as we are.  It is not our doings or our specialness that earns His love.  We are loved for our very unadorned selves;  our ordinary and often feeling incomplete beings.

In the Christian calendar we are now in the middle of the season of Lent, as we walk with Jesus up the long and tedious hill to Jerusalem where he will ultimately be misunderstood, crucified, and later rise again to life in us.  I have been holding the idea of leaning into God in this time of Lent.

We are all welcome, like this son, to lean into God's deep and all encompassing love, regardless of anything we have done or not done.  Each of us is completely specially created and treasured by Him.  Our belonging is in Him.  May this love that He has for us in little bits, imperfect as they are, radiate from us to all those around us.  We are each of us the physical arms of God for those around us.  Thanks to all those who have given me earthly glimmers of this love in these days and beyond.  For the dark chocolates shared, the hugs, messages, understanding hearts and smiles and mostly the gifts of simply being on this journey together.  Thanks for allowing me to lean in these lenten days.