Treasured

A friend and I connected by phone today.  She has gone to Eastern Canada to care for her grandchildren there.  Her four year old granddaughter has a brand new baby brother.  I can almost feel the joy and excitement reverberating clear across Canada with the new birth and joy of children.  These children are treasured deeply by a network of loving family.  Each step of these days is surrounded in love and understanding, both for the new baby and for his sister who is now having to share the attention.

During these exciting days of new birth and treasured children I often feel a twinge of sadness for all those who come into a world that is not waiting for their arrival with loving anticipation and joy. Those early days of bonding and "beaming and gleaming" love from parent's eyes to child with the dance of understanding and care are vital in the early foundations of our beings.  The neurological connections formed in those early days of security have been proven to be central to the steady neurological foundation of our being.

Many of our children coming from difficult places where there was no support and love in those early days sometimes learn to cope superficially well.  In times of change and stress, their weak foundation often cracks.  Surprising behaviours erupt.  Overwhelming and uncontrollable feelings emerge.  These can include feelings of abandonment and loss and anger, but often in real life it is difficult to recognize when the foundation is especially weak.  Often both the child and caregivers are caught off guard and tend to react rather than helpfully respond.

It is helpful for me to keep these realities in mind as I parent my children.  I often tend to take their behaviours personally;  in reality I am only the safe lightning rod for much deeper concerns.  I do believe that it is not possible to navigate these waters with our children alone.  They need others who understand their deepest feelings and who know how to help them.  The depth of pain for kids from places of challenge can be overwhelming for both the child and family.  We depend on those specially gifted and educated to help us all.

In the midst of it all, I want my children to feel deeply loved and treasured now!  It may feel late and many wounds are seeping, but still the power of love is important.  Love may not heal our kids and they can certainly be very difficult to love.  Often there are not others who are eager to join us.  Expression of love is still centrally important!   Be creative in ways to express delight and joy in our big kids.  Be wise, and take care of yourself, but always hold on to hope in love for our treasured kids.