Psychology 100

Another delightful part of our weekend was being taught psychology 100 as another far-flung son  returned home.  He has a very sensitive and inquisitive heart and his psychology class has deeply impacted him.  He is a great teacher and loves sharing everything that he is learning about the low and high way of thinking, dreams, twin studies, and nature versus nuture.  Do you know that chronic lateness may be a genetic disposition?

Life in our home with the challenges of adding family members in unconventional ways, facing the deep wounds and darkness of life, over-stressed parents and the like has not been easy for any of the children.  I think this psychology class is helping my son to understand some of the dynamics of his own childhood.  It is filling in some pieces for him and bringing some understanding and authenticity to his own very often confused and mixed feelings.

I am often asked how adopting children has impacted all the children in our home.  It would be naive to think that it does not add a significant level of stress and emotional challenge to all the children.  We have adopted four older children, so each new addition has deeply affected both the birth and the other adopted children.  The dynamics are not always positive.  There have been times that I have really grieved for the emotional scars that both my own stress and the challenges of our family dynamics have brought to all the children.  There are some things that I would have done very differently if I had a chance to do it all again.  One of those things would have been to give the children already in the home more support as the new children settled in.  It is never too late and I am now very aware of giving support and offering therapeutic intervention to help untangle mixed emotions, but certainly I wish I had done more at the time.

Feelings and emotions are so tangled and complicated even in ordinary families.  In families where children are adopted, there is much more to  process and sort out.  It is made even more difficult by the overlay of guilt that somehow we should all be helping to care for others even when we do not feel like it and our own souls and needs are crying out in pain.

So, for now, I pray and encourage all my kids to keep processing and talking, sifting through all the baggage of their unique family background.  I am  intentionally supportive and ever hopeful that they will all become even more caring and thoughtful human beings because of this difficult part of their lives.  I am extremely proud of each of them, and am cheering them on as they go forward  step by step growing in all the emotional, mental, spiritual and physical areas of their lives.  I am delighted that my psychology son is so engaged and excited about all he is learning.  Keep unravelling those secrets of the mind and heart, my son!

Expansive Thankfulness

A big part of my weekend has been in a soccer stadium.  I actually love watching soccer, and this weekend was particularly fun as it is not often that I can cheer for far flung son doing one of the things he loves most.  It was high level soccer with some of the best teams in the country.  I noticed that the leading team was expansive in their play.  I am not sure of the soccer lingo, but as I watched, it seemed like they played a wide game.  Their players were spread apart and yet they were still in good communication.  They passed the ball to one another confidently, freely and with trust and had a wide range of strategies of play. They have played together for years and have intentionally put hard work into their communication and their skills.  They have  made playing the game together a priority in their lives.  They have learned how to be expansive in their play.  They have a strong core of experience and commitment in their team and the younger players are carefully transitioned and mentored into the wide perspective of play.

Sometimes I notice in my own life that I live a limited and narrow game of life.  I am afraid to reach out too far.  I am scattered and not disciplined in my priorities.  I  tightly control and hold onto the ball way too much and do not use my whole team on the big field of life.  If one way of doing things works well, I do not take the risk to try new strategic ways of living.  My heart is narrow and conservative in its range.

Some of my children are limited in their ability to think and feel expansively too.  They have been deeply wounded and their brains and hearts work only in one tight and rather unpredictable corner.

Part of my role as one of the coaches of this family is to help my family team think and play expansively.  I need to start with myself, making sure that I am healthy with a wide range of well thought through and realistic strategies.  I need to open my own heart and to make my family a priority. We need to practice our skills in a wide range of environments.   I need to know the strengths and weaknesses of my team, helping each person to meet their own potential and to be a full functioning member of the team.  It takes skill, time and commitment.  Nobody said it would be easy.

Today is Thanksgiving.  I want to start with an expansive thankfulness for all the blessings of this day.  I am the co-coach of this one family team.  A thankful attitude starts with me.  It can be learned, practiced, shared and communicated in a whole variety of ways.  I'm aiming for a wide and expansive heart game.  I am starting today with wide playing thankfulness to God and to the team around me.

Happy Thanksgiving to all on your own unique playing fields today.

Double Blessing Thankfulness!

Eighteen years ago today I gave birth to two unique and very special boys.
We had discovered that we were having twins months before.  After several miscarriages we had an early ultrasound and it was impossible to ignore the smile on the face of the technician.  Two little specks wiggling. We laughed and have not stopped the sense of fun and laughter since that day!

Two individuals, now far flung, heading off on adventures of their own.  Both are coming home tomorrow and we are excited.  For one, our birthday celebration will be watching him on the soccer field for the first time this year.  We will be cheering mostly for the birthday heart!  For the other, an exam and then a trip across the sea to join us for cake and fun after the soccer.

We love you both and are wishing you a most amazing year in this significant time of newness and adventure.  La Chaim!  To your lives with our love!  We are full of thankfulness for you.  May you know God's love and care today and each day ahead.

Hope

Some time ago I sat with a couple of hundred parents in the school bleachers, enjoying our school band concert. The tambourine player caught my full attention.  He was significantly dependent on help from another student and was mobile in his electric wheelchair.  His participation in the band made the evening for me.  I was hopeful.  Hopeful that there might be room in the orchestra of life for us all.  Hopeful even for my kids who have more invisible challenges and cannot as easily sit with another helping.  Hopeful that we can be ourselves and still be involved.  Hope for the boy's healing did not cross my mind that evening.  I was actually delighting in him just as he is.  His presence as a person with a significant disability was what actually gave me hope.  I am sure his parents have hoped for his healing and for his increased function many times through his life.  But from my perspective that evening that was not my focus at all.

Hope is one of the foundations of my being. As life has gone on, I have also realized that unrealistic hope can be very destructive and can prevent me from enjoying life just as it is.  Recently someone spoke of almost guaranteed hope from a method of relating to our children.  If only we could wash off some of the debris and start again and focus on the heart of our children, we can have hope.  I really should have asked what was meant by hope.  Probably any glimmer of improved communication was the hope promised.  Nevertheless, as a conscientious and determined parent, I immediately felt the guilt emerging from a promise of hope.  I was hoping for healing and positive behaviour for my children just like I am sure the parents of the boy with the tambourine  have often hoped for improved motor function for him.   With our children there is often not the option to wash away the wounds and start again.  Many of them have irreversible brain injury.  It is true that neurons do make links for our lifetime, and that improvement is always possible. I want to be ever positive and hopeful. But I have to also be realistic for both my own sake and the sake of my children.

Hope is possible.  Reframe the hope.  Be creative in hope.  Sure we can hope for cure.  Some people are cured of their disabilities and diseases.  The majority are not.  Still they can hope.  Hope to be included.  Hope to make a difference.  Hope to show perserverance through the struggle.  Hope that our children will even bring joy and learning and hope for others through their very being just as they are.  May we somehow realize some personal truth that is often in weakness that there is strength.

With our kids it may not be hope for cure or even for improved behaviour.  Even with the best parenting there still will be kids unable to live with their families.  One of the families that for me is the most inspiring and full of hope includes a son who is often in and out of jail.   He really is trying.  He  is not able to get a lot of important connections in life.  His perserverance and that of his family gives me hope.   Like the boy in the wheelchair, see the hope and possibilities within the significant limitations.  Try to see the hope and growth for ourselves and for others through our own disappointments and perceived failures.  Through it all, be creative and expansive in our perspective of hope.

Consequences

One of my kids is missing a dance lesson today.  A consequence for some unacceptable hitting behaviour last night.  She will help  gardening husband with outside chores while the dance lesson is on.  It is fun to be with husband and his box of treats that gets pulled out after each chore, but still missing a dance lesson is a big consequence.

There is lots of discussion about how consequences for some of our kids do not help in changing behaviour.  I actually agree with that perspective.  The kids have lost so much that one more loss only adds to their despair and anger.  More importantly, their brains do not neurologically make the connections between actions and consequences..

Nevertheless, it is still  difficult to know how to handle unacceptable behaviour.  This child has been with us for many years now.  She is a teen and is already up against logical consequences in school and life.  I do think it is part of our role now to start the long road teaching about consequences.  With repetition I am hoping it will gradually help make links.  Sometimes in total frustration we almost sell the family farm in our trying to get through to our kids.  I have been tempted  to cancel birthday parties and other very significant events as consequences that I thought would change behaviour.  The kids need those prized parties, so throwing away good things to try to teach a lesson can be very counterproductive.   I have to consider carefully  who is being punished as I contemplate different consequences.

Usually, too, parenting is a joint affair.  My husband and I do not always have the same approach.  We try to be as consistent as we can, but it is just not possible to always be together on every parenting decision.  That is also not necessarily negative for our kids.  They learn that within the same general guidelines, people are different.  Even their teachers and later employers will all have slightly different expectations.  Part of learning and growing is being able to learn from different people.  Our slightly different approaches in our home also gives balance and depth to our home.

Deep down, I am not sure that our child will actually really learn from the consequence today.  Our parenting is not perfect.  Nevertheless, we continue to try to make an impact and shape behaviour.  Sometimes we miss the mark.  Our decisions backfire.  Other times a new approach may bring about a surprising breakthrough.  Parenting some of our children really does need therapeutic help to help flesh out those guidelines and give perspective and help as parents to work together.  Find someone to help give you perspective and guidance.  At the same time, realize that there is often lots of leeway to make both positive and negative discipline decisions.  There is no one way to parent.  Be careful and thoughtful as you make  decisions, taking time to distance yourself from the frustrating event.  Then do go ahead and act.  Don't let the complications paralyze you as parents.  Watch and wonder as things continue to unfold.  Learn from what does work and what does not, just like in so many life decisions.

Road Changes

For months now we have had major construction on our local highway.  It is going to mean significant improvement in traffic patterns and ability to get across the river, but it has felt like a challenging puzzle to navigate what used to be a very straightforward route.  Last week I somehow completely missed my turn off that I have done literally hundreds of times and I went whizzing across our new bridge, taking me miles away from where I was supposed to be.  Even trying to turn around was a major undertaking with traffic back ups everywhere.  In the end I added almost an hour to my trip.

Sometimes I feel like parenting can be a similar challenge.  What works for some kids, does not work for everyone. When a new child joins our families, it is like road construction for quite some time as we all build new bridges with them.  There is a lot of change and new roads to learn.  Sometimes one wrong turn off can take us down a whole new, complicated road that may not be in the right direction.  I make mistakes.  I loose my temper.  I do feel it is important to continue to communicate to our kids about our own wrong turns in life.  For one of my kids in particular, my own honesty about some of my challenges with my own personality has really bonded us.  She takes comfort in the fact that she is not the only one that makes mistakes and has a temper.  I wish I did not make so many wrong turns, and I am trying to improve as a parent, but when I do make mistakes it is important to model for our kids that we too are not perfect and that sometimes we also need to try to find the overpass to turn around and head back to the healthy road.

My highway with its ever changing cones and flashing directions is also what it feels like for our kids as they join our new family.  The guidelines and route for every family is different.  Sometimes even within a family it feels like directions change.  It can be very confusing and frustrating for our kids too.

There is hope.  Things will settle down on the highway and I will learn how it works.  The important thing is to keep driving, acknowledge that we all make mistakes, find the exit to turn around if needed, and keep communicating.

Voices

Blogging for me is about finding my own voice.   I come from a science background and have an organized and structured job with clear guidelines and expectations so creative writing is a new, challenging and stimulating adventure in self expression.   I was initially inspired when I read that one way to get started in writing is to try blogging.  Like the development of any new skill, writing is a discipline that requires practice.  I try to exercise physically each day.  I practice the skill of my work.  Blogging is an way to grow in the area of writing.  I  always wonder if there will be something creative and useful to say each day.   My faith is stretched.  I have been surprised at the outflow of ideas bubbling up from within me in the ordinariness of my life.

I  have prided myself on being an outlooking person.  I have worked hard at not taking myself too seriously or  being too inward looking.  I have read widely and I respect the opinion of others.  I take lots of courses.  I look around me, see people that I want to be like, and try to emulate them.    I am looking forward to taking a writing course.  I do seek the wisdom of others.  As good as all these things are,  I have not simply looked within my own heart and soul for inspiration. That path has seemed like an extravagant luxury, but in fact not going there has caused me a lot of internal suffering.  I have not trusted that I have anything important to say.  I could never quite reach the external goal I had set.  Nothing was ever quite enough. This blog is the beginning of allowing a new part of me to emerge and be expressed in healthy ways.

It is the same with parenting.  In all the challenges of trying to guide our children, I want to listen for their unique and special voices within their own hearts.  Just think of the diversity that can be brought into our lives from our children!   I want to help them hear their own souls and experiment with different ways of being.  I want them to see themselves as people who do not just have to copy others and obey commands, but can go within and listen to the promptings of their own beautiful hearts that are rich and full.  Some of our children start with very little.  The flame of their hearts has been almost extinguished.  They have no sense of self.  Discovering their own hearts and souls within their bodies is scarey.  Look for ways to encourage and build them up.  Listen with them for their own unique hearts.

Be encouraged to trust your voice deep inside.  Take those tiny steps forward.  We do live in a very outward world where the practice of going inside and listening is not often facilitated.  It is central to our fullness of being.   God has created us with care and wonder.   Take time.  Be still.  Go within and listen.