M is for Mother

A friend of mine is waiting to be a mother by adoption.  She descriptively defines her state these days as being in otherhood.   When that "M" just does not emerge to bring a level of completion to motherhood, the pain can be searing.   I have been pondering my friend's words, not wanting to generalize or diminish the specifics of that state for her now, but also feeling companionship with her in the reality of that other place.  Maybe for some the place of otherhood has never been a part of their story, but I think it does capture well a reality that has been a part of many of our lives.

Certainly, our children by adoption know deep in the very core of their being what it means to be "other."  That "m" for mother may be added to their lives one day, but it will not necessarily take away the challenging reality of their feelings of being different and "other" at their heart.  One of my daughters talks frequently about how she has always watched her friends taking for granted the belonging in their birth families.  Even now after years of belonging in our family, she still watches.  In many ways she is still different and other, even in the reality of being adopted.  She now has a mother, but nothing can take away the pain of those years of aloneness.  Her reality involves grief and loss and in truth,  the sense of being "other" is deeply ingrained in her being.

The specific ways that people can echo the feelings of being different and other are diverse and varied.  The feeling is real.  I am not sure that even that elusive "M" will take away the feeling and the pain.  For me, I want to acknowledge and treasure this "other" part of my story.  It is that part that propelled me toward adoption in the first place.  It is that part that now helps me to stand with my children and let them live and embrace the incompleteness that is a part of life.  We are all others.   I cannot pretend to understand the specific pain of either my friend or my children.  Because of my own story I can join them in living life fully as a unique and special other.  It is at the root of what it means for me to now be a mother.