When love says go and we listen to the nudgings of our hearts from God, our ways often appear crazy. Others shake their heads at our risky steps forward, and often we ourselves have our doubts about our choices too! Don't be surprised that your ways may not always seem to make sense when you start to walk forward. Even the apostle Paul says that God made foolish the wisdom of the world! (1 Corinthians 1:20). God often calls people to follow Him without knowing clearly what is ahead. I so often think of Abraham, who as an elderly man, headed off into the desert in faith and love for God.
These days I am excited for several of my friends who are taking "crazy" steps forward, trusting the still and quiet voice of their hearts and beings. Although often we never really have complete assurance in our steps forward, I so respect my friends for taking the "road less taken" in their life journeys. What an adventure to take those risks of the heart! Yes, in those risky steps we are more open to disappointment and pain, but in the perspective of the whole of life, how wonderful to be open to living life fully and richly in faith and perseverance.
My friends, I am inspired by your crazy steps forward in loving faith! I am full of joy and hope as you take the high road, following your hearts in God. My love and prayers are with you with much respect, standing with you in both the challenging and wonderful times ahead. May you know God's tender love and care as you step out in faith.
Tuesday, 13 August 2013
Monday, 12 August 2013
Love Says Go!
This has been an exciting week for our oldest adult son, Jason. He has just published his first book, called "Love Says Go." I have not yet read it and am waiting in anticipation for it to arrive, but I have already been encouraged and challenged by the title.
Yes, I do want to be known for love. As Jason challenges, true love gets out into the world and acts! I do believe that God is love and that it is He who flows through the open channels of our beings to bring love to others. We are all God's hands and feet of love in the world. Those hands and feet start to love in the ordinary places of where we are now!
Sometimes that thought overwhelms me. Where do I start to go with love? First I have to be still and listen for those nudgings of God's Spirit. Most often those are only tentative wonderings. They are easy to miss and most often they seem insignificant. Our life was changed that day I picked up the phone and called 1-877-ADOPT-07 to simply inquire about the process of local adoption. A process was started. Later I made another call to check if our daughters' foster sister might like to join us on our holiday. Adoption was not on our mind for her, but that holiday began a process that lead to her being our daughter. Usually the nudgings are less obvious and outwardly dramatic. They may be an answer to an email or a kind word said in passing to a shop clerk. They may be slowing down to ask a stranger about their day, or to remember a friend's birthday. Today a friend from many years ago called just to say hello. Love is most simply but most difficulty being patient and kind. It is not a resounding gong that many notice. It protects, trusts and hopes in perseverance.
It is not easy to go out and love. Love starts in the quietness of our hearts and I believe that God gives us both the nudgings and the strength to go forward. I know that I miss more opportunities to love than I take! The great news is that there are always more chances tomorrow. The opportunities to love are infinite. Thanks Jason, for the encouragement. Love says Go.
Yes, I do want to be known for love. As Jason challenges, true love gets out into the world and acts! I do believe that God is love and that it is He who flows through the open channels of our beings to bring love to others. We are all God's hands and feet of love in the world. Those hands and feet start to love in the ordinary places of where we are now!
Sometimes that thought overwhelms me. Where do I start to go with love? First I have to be still and listen for those nudgings of God's Spirit. Most often those are only tentative wonderings. They are easy to miss and most often they seem insignificant. Our life was changed that day I picked up the phone and called 1-877-ADOPT-07 to simply inquire about the process of local adoption. A process was started. Later I made another call to check if our daughters' foster sister might like to join us on our holiday. Adoption was not on our mind for her, but that holiday began a process that lead to her being our daughter. Usually the nudgings are less obvious and outwardly dramatic. They may be an answer to an email or a kind word said in passing to a shop clerk. They may be slowing down to ask a stranger about their day, or to remember a friend's birthday. Today a friend from many years ago called just to say hello. Love is most simply but most difficulty being patient and kind. It is not a resounding gong that many notice. It protects, trusts and hopes in perseverance.
It is not easy to go out and love. Love starts in the quietness of our hearts and I believe that God gives us both the nudgings and the strength to go forward. I know that I miss more opportunities to love than I take! The great news is that there are always more chances tomorrow. The opportunities to love are infinite. Thanks Jason, for the encouragement. Love says Go.
Sunday, 11 August 2013
Identity
This long hot summer has been a special time for our four youngest daughters to connect and spend lazy hours together. As they are almost all teens, I have been struck by their closeness in age. This is the one and only summer that they will all be the same height. They are at a crucial stage of their lives as they begin to accept and acknowledge their own identities. In reality, though their days are spent in similar ways, their similarities stop there with their ages, heights and doings.
Each daughter is emerging in their own special ways. I delight in the deep down radiating essence of each. I wonder at what defines their very unique entities in a way that can be called their identity? As a parent, I want to allow their heart true essence to emerge and be welcomed. I am also aware of my place in helping them to unfold in healthy ways.
For each of the children, I take seriously our role as parents to offer choices of activities and interests and basic core values that will lead to their own development of their identities. I do want all the children to learn to swim safely, so they do consistently take swimming lessons through the year, even if they are not passionate about swimming. Each child has had some exposure to music lessons of one kind or another. Most have chosen not to continue, but some have truly found that playing an instrument is a joy and part of their chosen identity. All the girls have chosen to take dance lessons. Again, some have continued and others have moved on to other areas of interest. One daughter is passionate about cooking. Another is an artist. One son is most happy in the wilderness, hiking and climbing. Another loves everything to do with psychology. Some like to read and others do not. Some are more social than others. Those things are part of their delightfully emerging identities. We have tried to offer the children and ourselves varied options of things that contribute to their identities and have also been available to encourage even attributes that are different from those offered but which come from within.
We are a multicultural family at our very core, as my husband is of Chinese descent and I am from British descent. Our children also bring other cultures. Each child differs in the impact that their cultural identity has for them. One child has struggled with her perception, for example, of her Chinese heritage. She has not embraced that. Even within our genetic cultural beings, we have choice about the importance of that in our understanding of our own identity. I feel a responsibility to offer our children coming from different cultures opportunities to learn and practice traditions inherent to their cultures, but in the end it will be their choice about how much that becomes a part of their identity.
My husband and I do love God and our identity as Christians is central to our being. Though we have struggles with some of the cultural and specific outworkings of that identity even for ourselves, the children do come with us to church and participate in our family times of prayer and activity, as imperfect as those sometimes are. Some children may eventually chose to follow Christ themselves, while for others Christianity may not be a part of their faith identity. I do know people who chose not to take their children to church or a faith community as they want them to freely determine their own identity. In so many areas, we have chosen to go ahead in our own areas of interest and identity and offer our children wide ranging experiences so that they will eventually be choosing from places of understanding and experience. In those areas that we do not have experience, we have seen that the desires and inclinations of identity often emerge from each of us regardless!
For much of my life I have struggled with my own identity and have been often caught in comparing myself to others. Some external things that I have so desired to be a part of my identity have never happened. I have been jealous of those for whom those desired things are a part of their identity. I have struggled to have my true heart identity fit with what I might like it to be. Sometimes it has felt that the reality of my identity is never quite what I would like. I recognize that sometimes I have identified myself as a "human doing" rather than the "human being" that I am! As the years have gone by, I have noticed that when it comes to respecting the identities of others there are a few things that stand out for me. Frequently I hardly notice the things that I have felt to be so centrally important in my own life. When I chose my friends, for example, I often do not notice if they are married, if they have kids, if they are social with lots of friends, or what they are even doing for an occupation. What I do notice are the qualities and essence of their being. I notice those fruits of the spirit. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, self-control and gentleness. Most important of those is love. Those are not qualities that I would immediately think were qualities of identity, but certainly these days I am struck increasingly by their important and most central impact. They are qualities that are expressed in uniquely different ways by each of us. I value and delight in those different ways, but when all is said and done, I do hope that those core qualities available to us all will be what shines forth most in me as my identity. May I mostly be a person of love, undergirding and covering all things. Certainly that is what I notice first in others.
Each daughter is emerging in their own special ways. I delight in the deep down radiating essence of each. I wonder at what defines their very unique entities in a way that can be called their identity? As a parent, I want to allow their heart true essence to emerge and be welcomed. I am also aware of my place in helping them to unfold in healthy ways.
For each of the children, I take seriously our role as parents to offer choices of activities and interests and basic core values that will lead to their own development of their identities. I do want all the children to learn to swim safely, so they do consistently take swimming lessons through the year, even if they are not passionate about swimming. Each child has had some exposure to music lessons of one kind or another. Most have chosen not to continue, but some have truly found that playing an instrument is a joy and part of their chosen identity. All the girls have chosen to take dance lessons. Again, some have continued and others have moved on to other areas of interest. One daughter is passionate about cooking. Another is an artist. One son is most happy in the wilderness, hiking and climbing. Another loves everything to do with psychology. Some like to read and others do not. Some are more social than others. Those things are part of their delightfully emerging identities. We have tried to offer the children and ourselves varied options of things that contribute to their identities and have also been available to encourage even attributes that are different from those offered but which come from within.
We are a multicultural family at our very core, as my husband is of Chinese descent and I am from British descent. Our children also bring other cultures. Each child differs in the impact that their cultural identity has for them. One child has struggled with her perception, for example, of her Chinese heritage. She has not embraced that. Even within our genetic cultural beings, we have choice about the importance of that in our understanding of our own identity. I feel a responsibility to offer our children coming from different cultures opportunities to learn and practice traditions inherent to their cultures, but in the end it will be their choice about how much that becomes a part of their identity.
My husband and I do love God and our identity as Christians is central to our being. Though we have struggles with some of the cultural and specific outworkings of that identity even for ourselves, the children do come with us to church and participate in our family times of prayer and activity, as imperfect as those sometimes are. Some children may eventually chose to follow Christ themselves, while for others Christianity may not be a part of their faith identity. I do know people who chose not to take their children to church or a faith community as they want them to freely determine their own identity. In so many areas, we have chosen to go ahead in our own areas of interest and identity and offer our children wide ranging experiences so that they will eventually be choosing from places of understanding and experience. In those areas that we do not have experience, we have seen that the desires and inclinations of identity often emerge from each of us regardless!
For much of my life I have struggled with my own identity and have been often caught in comparing myself to others. Some external things that I have so desired to be a part of my identity have never happened. I have been jealous of those for whom those desired things are a part of their identity. I have struggled to have my true heart identity fit with what I might like it to be. Sometimes it has felt that the reality of my identity is never quite what I would like. I recognize that sometimes I have identified myself as a "human doing" rather than the "human being" that I am! As the years have gone by, I have noticed that when it comes to respecting the identities of others there are a few things that stand out for me. Frequently I hardly notice the things that I have felt to be so centrally important in my own life. When I chose my friends, for example, I often do not notice if they are married, if they have kids, if they are social with lots of friends, or what they are even doing for an occupation. What I do notice are the qualities and essence of their being. I notice those fruits of the spirit. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, self-control and gentleness. Most important of those is love. Those are not qualities that I would immediately think were qualities of identity, but certainly these days I am struck increasingly by their important and most central impact. They are qualities that are expressed in uniquely different ways by each of us. I value and delight in those different ways, but when all is said and done, I do hope that those core qualities available to us all will be what shines forth most in me as my identity. May I mostly be a person of love, undergirding and covering all things. Certainly that is what I notice first in others.
Saturday, 10 August 2013
Special Gifts
There are gifts to be had in almost every life situation. Although I deeply wish that my youngest girls could have avoided the turmoil and trauma of their early years, somehow they have become who they are today through all of their life experiences. I want to embrace all of who they are and help them turn those stumbling blocks of their earlier years into stepping stones to deeper and richer understandings and life today. We all have no alternative but to go forward, using all of our life for good now and in the future.
One of the gifts of spending many years in a full foster home with many babies is that our girls have had lots of exposure to different children and have learned how to care for babies. Our three youngest spent the last two days with their foster family, helping to care for their younger kids to try to give their foster parents a couple of days of relative rest. The girls are gifted in caring for little kids and relating to them. They learned amazing skills of baby care and compassion from the years spent with their very wonderful foster mom. For a couple of days they have helped play with an assortment of younger children, spending hours outside and watching out for their younger foster siblings. It was a win-win situation. The younger kids had a wonderful few days of play, our children got to learn responsibility and also lots of fun play too, and their foster parents had a bit of a break as all the kids entertained one another! The girls are growing in compassion and understanding for other children as well. They have known so many other children from situations like their own which has helped them reflect and process some of their own challenging feelings.
Spending time with their foster family brings a multitude of emotions back to our kids. We will have lots of processing time and long hugs in the next few days. There will be subtle dysregulation that I know is from the emotions emerging from this time. We will talk and process and hug with constant reassurance of our love. This time away was a part of the children fully living life with people who we all love and respect. Together, we will help them to not fear the mixed emotions that emerge, always using the challenges for those positive areas of growth and deeper understanding of themselves and others.
One of the gifts of spending many years in a full foster home with many babies is that our girls have had lots of exposure to different children and have learned how to care for babies. Our three youngest spent the last two days with their foster family, helping to care for their younger kids to try to give their foster parents a couple of days of relative rest. The girls are gifted in caring for little kids and relating to them. They learned amazing skills of baby care and compassion from the years spent with their very wonderful foster mom. For a couple of days they have helped play with an assortment of younger children, spending hours outside and watching out for their younger foster siblings. It was a win-win situation. The younger kids had a wonderful few days of play, our children got to learn responsibility and also lots of fun play too, and their foster parents had a bit of a break as all the kids entertained one another! The girls are growing in compassion and understanding for other children as well. They have known so many other children from situations like their own which has helped them reflect and process some of their own challenging feelings.
Spending time with their foster family brings a multitude of emotions back to our kids. We will have lots of processing time and long hugs in the next few days. There will be subtle dysregulation that I know is from the emotions emerging from this time. We will talk and process and hug with constant reassurance of our love. This time away was a part of the children fully living life with people who we all love and respect. Together, we will help them to not fear the mixed emotions that emerge, always using the challenges for those positive areas of growth and deeper understanding of themselves and others.
Friday, 9 August 2013
The Village
It does take a village to raise a child! In our often isolated culture where everyone is working long hours to make ends meet it is often difficult to connect with others who will have the time and desire to get to know us and our children. I have always wanted to make connections with others, but have felt insecure building those important relationships. In the midst of my own full life, those connections have sometimes seemed to me to be impossible. I have prayed for significant relationships for myself and my children. Over the years I have been delightfully surprised in the answers to those rather unbelieving prayers. People have approached me and wanted to get to know our kids. Sometimes the children make their own connections with wonderful people who then become family friends. Our girls have spent several days this summer with an incredible woman who initially met them in the Sunday School at our very large church. Somehow she never really connected with me until several months after beginning a relationship with the girls. She has now become a close friend and significant support for us all. I am delighting that my children have brought me a new friend! In turn, I know that the girls have been a blessing to her. She has always wanted a daughter and sees the answer to her own prayers in our girls. They love her and delight in her care for them. She sees beyond some of their behaviours to their kind hearts within. Even before knowing me well, she took some time off work and asked me if she could take the girls on some day trips. Thank you, my friend, for offering your loving and caring self to us all as a most wonderful gift.
Part of my own journey has been about balancing both the giving and receiving in life. I have always felt that it is more important to give than to receive, and have stubbornly blasted ahead determined to give as much as I can. In attempting to give, I never had time to see the offerings of the gifts of others. I ignored the gift of receiving and did not cultivate that important skill of receptivity and humility. To be always the giver can, at its extreme, be a place of arrogant control. At times I have taken on the position of what a friend calls,"CEO of the universe." I still want to be a giver, but also want to sit back and let God be God, being receptive and observant to the many gifts that others offer. Those gifts come in varied and unique packages, sometimes almost like the trick wrapping that so delights my kids. I am learning to delight in the receiving from many places, including from our children and those others who are those we are attempting to give to. Sometimes, in fact, the giving is richer for the receiving.
Connections of all sorts in the village of our lives. We all so need and desire those connections, but do not always notice and receive their gift. I get concerned that my children have a meaningful and supportive village in the future, but I want to increasingly trust in the goodness and care of God and others. Thank you to so many friends for the miracles of connection in both giving and receiving in love and gentleness. For all of us, may we be still. Receive and feel the warm sun on your face, like those many gifts given each day.
Part of my own journey has been about balancing both the giving and receiving in life. I have always felt that it is more important to give than to receive, and have stubbornly blasted ahead determined to give as much as I can. In attempting to give, I never had time to see the offerings of the gifts of others. I ignored the gift of receiving and did not cultivate that important skill of receptivity and humility. To be always the giver can, at its extreme, be a place of arrogant control. At times I have taken on the position of what a friend calls,"CEO of the universe." I still want to be a giver, but also want to sit back and let God be God, being receptive and observant to the many gifts that others offer. Those gifts come in varied and unique packages, sometimes almost like the trick wrapping that so delights my kids. I am learning to delight in the receiving from many places, including from our children and those others who are those we are attempting to give to. Sometimes, in fact, the giving is richer for the receiving.
Connections of all sorts in the village of our lives. We all so need and desire those connections, but do not always notice and receive their gift. I get concerned that my children have a meaningful and supportive village in the future, but I want to increasingly trust in the goodness and care of God and others. Thank you to so many friends for the miracles of connection in both giving and receiving in love and gentleness. For all of us, may we be still. Receive and feel the warm sun on your face, like those many gifts given each day.
Those first five years!
The other day our psychologist made a passing comment about the effect of early trauma in the lives of our children. She said that trauma in those first five years can take at least twenty-five years to work through! I must say I was encouraged by her comment, ignoring the "at least" and gaining hope that maybe in twenty-five years my kids will have come to some levels of healing! Whew... maybe by the time they are thirty....! Of course life is full of so many surprises and twists and turns. Defining lives lived and healing as "successful" or not is all relative and dependent on our life values and perspectives. I once heard a speaker assert that if only we can clean out the debris in the lives of our children, all can be "well." Her comment did not ring true to me in light of the complicated life- long issues of our children, and unfortunately I missed a good deal of the rest of her talk as I fumed over what I felt were false promises held out. Nevertheless, old patterns can be changed, people do grow and heal, and brains do make more connections. I must not forget to have hope in the daily grind of life with kids from places of trauma!
As I made arrangements for ongoing therapy for a couple of my kids today I was reminded again that our society does not recognize the need for help for emotional well-being in the same way as for our medical concerns. Often medication is the first and only stop for the emotional pain and dysregulation of our children. Therapy is seen as costly and time-consuming and an optional extra that may or may not "work" and should be reserved for the most difficult problems. Sometimes when those more obvious problems do occur, therapeutic intervention is too late. Watch out for those little signs of emotional concern in your kids. I do believe that all children need other adults to be there for them. Often for children who have not had to walk through the turmoil of trauma those adults do not need to be professional counsellors, but I firmly believe that for our children who have undergone the significant trauma of adoption, professional help is a vital life line. The reality is that adoption alone is a monumental trauma. Most of our kids have many other levels of trauma as well. Our children often come to us as complicated and hurting souls. They desperately need a person skilled in the effect of trauma to stand with them over the years and in the different ages and stages of their lives. Mothers and fathers are often too close and wrapped up in the impact of secondary trauma to be able to handle the emotional challenges single-handedly. Therapists can bring hope and healing to our children and ourselves. It may not be fast and immediate, but it can be very effective!
We introduced counsellors into the lives of our children by adoption in their early years. Of course the timing varied for each of the children, but we started by seeking help for ourselves even before we adopted. The children did not meet the therapists in those early days, but just as we introduced our physician in the first year, so we introduced our family psychologist as the "feelings" doctor. The children have not had therapy consistently, but during different stages have had differing degrees of contact. We have had some significant issues emerge, but because the children already had a relationship with the therapist, we were able to access effective help immediately when it was needed. It is easier to start a relationship with a therapist when the children are young and before the issues are overwhelming. Because of that early relationship of trust, our children now freely ask to see their therapist and look forward to the skilled care, listening and love that they deeply associate with her. Therapy has been expensive and time-consuming, but emotional needs are not easy to navigate in either our children or ourselves! Adoption brings its own huge complexities for us all. We have all needed the support and insights and intervention of skilled therapeutic professionals. Do not wait to get help! It is easy to ignore those early signs of emotional challenges in both ourselves and our kids. I have been surprised that therapy has given us all huge unexpected hope and growth. Find a therapist skilled in issues of children, trauma, and adoption. I know those people are rare. We drive over an hour each way for one of our children's psychologist. For some, telephone consultations may be the only option. I cannot stress enough how important it has been for us as parents and for our children to have specialized emotional intervention through this journey. It is not wise to go on this adoption adventure alone! Take the risk and find a therapist you and your children like and trust. Start with yourself, even if you think you may not need the help. You may be surprised. Adoption is a long distance endeavour that I honestly could not have continued if I did not have a skilled psychologist caring for both me and my children. You will need many layers of help from many people, but just as you have a medical doctor, go for it and start developing a relationship with a person skilled in the challenges of emotional health. I wish you wisdom and success in finding just the right person to be your emotional guide through the dangerous and rugged terrain of those adoption mountains. Who knows, that person may also help you in the unexpected and hidden challenges of your own self. Adoption started my journey with a psychologist, but over the years my own heart and life has been transformed and personal healing has emerged through the gift of that relationship. I now wish that I had accessed therapeutic help for myself years ago. Take that leap into the unknown even when others tell you it is excessive and unnecessary. I am so thankful I did.
As I made arrangements for ongoing therapy for a couple of my kids today I was reminded again that our society does not recognize the need for help for emotional well-being in the same way as for our medical concerns. Often medication is the first and only stop for the emotional pain and dysregulation of our children. Therapy is seen as costly and time-consuming and an optional extra that may or may not "work" and should be reserved for the most difficult problems. Sometimes when those more obvious problems do occur, therapeutic intervention is too late. Watch out for those little signs of emotional concern in your kids. I do believe that all children need other adults to be there for them. Often for children who have not had to walk through the turmoil of trauma those adults do not need to be professional counsellors, but I firmly believe that for our children who have undergone the significant trauma of adoption, professional help is a vital life line. The reality is that adoption alone is a monumental trauma. Most of our kids have many other levels of trauma as well. Our children often come to us as complicated and hurting souls. They desperately need a person skilled in the effect of trauma to stand with them over the years and in the different ages and stages of their lives. Mothers and fathers are often too close and wrapped up in the impact of secondary trauma to be able to handle the emotional challenges single-handedly. Therapists can bring hope and healing to our children and ourselves. It may not be fast and immediate, but it can be very effective!
We introduced counsellors into the lives of our children by adoption in their early years. Of course the timing varied for each of the children, but we started by seeking help for ourselves even before we adopted. The children did not meet the therapists in those early days, but just as we introduced our physician in the first year, so we introduced our family psychologist as the "feelings" doctor. The children have not had therapy consistently, but during different stages have had differing degrees of contact. We have had some significant issues emerge, but because the children already had a relationship with the therapist, we were able to access effective help immediately when it was needed. It is easier to start a relationship with a therapist when the children are young and before the issues are overwhelming. Because of that early relationship of trust, our children now freely ask to see their therapist and look forward to the skilled care, listening and love that they deeply associate with her. Therapy has been expensive and time-consuming, but emotional needs are not easy to navigate in either our children or ourselves! Adoption brings its own huge complexities for us all. We have all needed the support and insights and intervention of skilled therapeutic professionals. Do not wait to get help! It is easy to ignore those early signs of emotional challenges in both ourselves and our kids. I have been surprised that therapy has given us all huge unexpected hope and growth. Find a therapist skilled in issues of children, trauma, and adoption. I know those people are rare. We drive over an hour each way for one of our children's psychologist. For some, telephone consultations may be the only option. I cannot stress enough how important it has been for us as parents and for our children to have specialized emotional intervention through this journey. It is not wise to go on this adoption adventure alone! Take the risk and find a therapist you and your children like and trust. Start with yourself, even if you think you may not need the help. You may be surprised. Adoption is a long distance endeavour that I honestly could not have continued if I did not have a skilled psychologist caring for both me and my children. You will need many layers of help from many people, but just as you have a medical doctor, go for it and start developing a relationship with a person skilled in the challenges of emotional health. I wish you wisdom and success in finding just the right person to be your emotional guide through the dangerous and rugged terrain of those adoption mountains. Who knows, that person may also help you in the unexpected and hidden challenges of your own self. Adoption started my journey with a psychologist, but over the years my own heart and life has been transformed and personal healing has emerged through the gift of that relationship. I now wish that I had accessed therapeutic help for myself years ago. Take that leap into the unknown even when others tell you it is excessive and unnecessary. I am so thankful I did.
Wednesday, 7 August 2013
M is for Mother
A friend of mine is waiting to be a mother by adoption. She descriptively defines her state these days as being in otherhood. When that "M" just does not emerge to bring a level of completion to motherhood, the pain can be searing. I have been pondering my friend's words, not wanting to generalize or diminish the specifics of that state for her now, but also feeling companionship with her in the reality of that other place. Maybe for some the place of otherhood has never been a part of their story, but I think it does capture well a reality that has been a part of many of our lives.
Certainly, our children by adoption know deep in the very core of their being what it means to be "other." That "m" for mother may be added to their lives one day, but it will not necessarily take away the challenging reality of their feelings of being different and "other" at their heart. One of my daughters talks frequently about how she has always watched her friends taking for granted the belonging in their birth families. Even now after years of belonging in our family, she still watches. In many ways she is still different and other, even in the reality of being adopted. She now has a mother, but nothing can take away the pain of those years of aloneness. Her reality involves grief and loss and in truth, the sense of being "other" is deeply ingrained in her being.
The specific ways that people can echo the feelings of being different and other are diverse and varied. The feeling is real. I am not sure that even that elusive "M" will take away the feeling and the pain. For me, I want to acknowledge and treasure this "other" part of my story. It is that part that propelled me toward adoption in the first place. It is that part that now helps me to stand with my children and let them live and embrace the incompleteness that is a part of life. We are all others. I cannot pretend to understand the specific pain of either my friend or my children. Because of my own story I can join them in living life fully as a unique and special other. It is at the root of what it means for me to now be a mother.
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