Alive!

From the cavernous tombs of our hearts, there is not death, but life.
Mary Magdalene ran from the empty tomb, proclaiming that Christ had risen and is alive!

Though often Christ is portrayed as dead and musty from days gone by, in reality His miraculous resurrection brings us hope.  His Spirit now lives in us, bringing life and hope and love in all the earthly realities of living.  Today may we roll away that heavy stone door to open the tomb of our hearts to let His Spirit bring light, fresh air,  hope and fullness of life.

The Hazelnut

Long ago, in a world of chaos when the black plague brought deep uncertainty and fear into the lives of everyone, the wise anchorite, Julian of Norwich, tenderly held a hazelnut.  For her, the hazelnut represented three things.  God lovingly created it.  He loves it.  He preserves it.  So it is with us.  Though we may feel as small and insignificant as a hazelnut, we are carefully created to be who we are.  God loves us.  He preserves us in His care.  Through the dark and the light, He is there with us.  He holds us tenderly in the palm of His hand.   Nothing can separate us from His love. He will bring fullness of life through us, tender shoots of green coming from within the hard shell.

In these days after Christ was killed, the friends of Jesus felt that all was lost.  Their hope was gone.  Nothing is beyond God's hope.  He creates, loves and preserves.  The hope is just beginning.

Dark Rumbling

We talk a lot about happiness in our culture.  Happiness is a state that many of us want to learn to cultivate.  I do believe that happiness is a trait that can be facilitated and cultivated and I too seek to be a person known for a happy disposition.  At the same time, my soul underneath rumbles about the reality of pain and death in life, demanding attention and full recognition without a shiny covering of happy blessing.

In my work as a physiotherapist I have always been aware of the importance of pain.  It can be dangerous to mask pain as often it is a warning signal of deeper damage. I have discouraged my son from getting cortisone shots to relieve pain so that he can go out and painlessly injure himself  even more seriously.  Although I feel controlling pain is important, I also want to face the pain that is a part of life with courage and grace.

Pain has very different faces.  Betrayal, divorce, disruption, sickness, death, and even birth come with pain.  Most close relationships involve some degree of pain.

Pain and death are one side of the coin of life.  Love and joy could be the other. I have been trying to understand why the John Vaillant books have spoken so deeply to me.  Both books have calamitous death in close company with the grounding of hope and renewal.  They express humanity in its full extremes of both great goodness and great liability.  It has helped me lately to have challenging times normalized as part of what is to be expected in life.  Pain was indeed a part of life even for Jesus.   In these days we remember his betrayal, pain and death.  Often we too quickly jump to the hope of resurrection.  Those days of injury and death are not to be glossed over in our lives or the lives of others.  They are hard and dark days where no light is.  Do not be too quick to turn on the light.  Death and pain are realities that are the very stuff of life deeply lived.  Feel and walk through those dark days without denying their very real pain in both ourselves and others.  Recognize and respect the harsh reality of pain and death.  Keep walking, knowing that in pain we also know a vital ingredient of full life.

The earth rumbled and all was dark at Jesus' death.  In these days I stand in humble awe that even God does not deny the reality of pain and death and has not avoided the painful going through.

The Three-Legged Stool

Although Christmas is a time of rejoicing in the birth of Christ  that is widely celebrated by many, Easter is much less recognized universally as a time of celebration.  The whole meaning of Christ's death and resurrection, the central point of the Christian faith, is  much more difficult to understand and grasp fully, even for devoted Christians.

Not long ago, I sat on a beautifully crafted light pine three-legged stool.  It was simple and yet solid and extremely comfortable.  Somehow, the sense of that solidly stable and secure piece of furniture has lodged itself in the rooms of my soul.  It speaks to me of my own journey of body, mind and spirit and also of the coming together of the reality of God;  Father, Son and Holy Spirit, in my own heart. 

It is at this time of Easter that the reality of God in His three expressions most clearly comes together.  God, the central Father of the Trinity, is the expression of wisdom of the mind.  Jesus, coming to earth in full bodily form, is the tangible and important rooting to this earth.  It is only after Jesus dies and leaves this earth, that the full expression of the Holy Spirit, our comforter, is fully known to all.  Like my stool, these three expressions of the one God are each vitally and indispensably  important for the solid security of the faith.  In my own growth in body, mind and spirit, I have known deeper balance and stability with each of those parts of me.  It is so easy to become off kilter and to value one expression of God as more valuable than another.  Similarly, in my own journey, I often get lost in my own active mind, tending to race off in my spirit like Icarus, flying so close to the sun that his wings begin to melt.  I tend to disconnect from my own physical bodily reality.  My journey has involved acknowledging and accepting more deeply my earthly roots and being securely grounded while still embracing wisdom and mystery.

This spring I have been immersed and encouraged by the writings of John Vaillant.  I read his second work, "The Tiger" some weeks ago and am now reading "The Golden Spruce."  Both works have  a grounded sense of wisdom and spirit that has enriched me rather like my solid three-legged stool.  The real life stories are firmly rooted in time and place with rich detail and appreciation.  Vaillant has keen understanding and wisdom in the wide breadth of the full range of human nature while at the same time weaving the reality of spirit and the mystery of the unknown into the rich and deep stories that touched my soul.

The grounded wisdom and mystery of the story of the life, death and resurrection of Jesus as man, God and spirit is woven intricately into the fabric of my own life soul and story.  In these days may I experience and feel the full integrated richness of God; Father, Son and Spirit, present through life, death and resurrection in all my being; mind, body and spirit.  The three-legged stool in my soul.  God's firm and solid base at the heart of my being.

Plain and Simple

I am on holiday this week.  I specially took time off work to be with my children as they are also on Spring Break.  Usually I plan special weeks like this chock full of adventures of one kind or another.  I actually had been looking forward to our traditional spring break with my parents at their home in the Gulf Islands.  Somehow, though, I never did get it together enough to pack up the car and head off on any kind of holiday away.  For the first few days,  I felt the tension rising in my throat that somehow even if we didn't get away, I should plan day trips around here.  We did head down to Vancouver for a couple of those trips, but now even as the weather is getting more and more fine, I am not rushing to fill these days.   The kids are sleeping in, pitching in with ordinary chores and decluttering, reading, and helping out in the garden.  They are heading off by themselves to local school playgrounds to play even though that is not common for kids their age and I have to remind them to watch out for the younger kids for whom the playground is really designed.  They have days full of spaces when they are not really doing much of anything.

Obviously, as I am writing about these days, I am still in my heart rushing to defend the worth of my decision to keep these days rather empty and uncluttered.  I have been deeply conditioned to feel that all our minutes, both mine and those of my children, are to be carefully planned and accounted for in a worthwhile and educational way.  I do feel that healthy activity and exercise and adventure especially outside is vitally important to the health of our children.  Our general lifestyle is active and full of regular exercise and activity.  Nevertheless, in our hyperachieving and experience oriented culture, I do feel these empty spaces of the plain and ordinary are also important.  In  many ways our parenting generation is facilitating the entitled and subtle narcissism that often seems to emerge in our teenagers.  I too, am programmed to believe that more is better even in the raising of my children, especially those for whom there have not been healthy options in the past.  I am forever assessing the worth of each day in terms of what has been experienced and accomplished by us all.  When I do not plan great expeditions and my children report that they are bored, I feel guilty.

I am myself learning deep in my heart that my worth is not linked with my doings.  This holiday I am similarily allowing life to happen around here, boredom and all.   I will forgive myself even this justification that we are still learning this holiday.  Learning how to be in the plain and simple of the ordinary treasures of each day.

Beach Combing

Yesterday the girls and I had a wonderful walk along the beach in Kitsilano.  One daughter had a weekend sleepover with her older sister who lives just a couple of blocks from the beach, so the rest of us ventured down to the beach twice over the weekend.  It has been unexpectedly warm and sunny and there is nothing that I like more than walking by the sea.

Walking by the sea after a stormy winter often brings surprising and delightful treasures beachside.  One year  while walking along the beach in Tofino in March we came across a most beautiful large Japanese glass float of transparent bubbly green.  We were offered hundreds of dollars for our find as we walked back up to our car.  It was an amazing treasure from afar, rarely found these days.  Today it has a special place on our patio and has given us years of wonderful memories of that time.  Yesterday we found a great assortment of treasures too.  Colourful bottle glass, worn smooth by the sand and waves, round stones that fit comfortably and soothingly in our hands, and shells of all sorts.

As I walked I was reminded that similarly after stormy winter times in our lives  there are also unexpected treasures uncovered.   Sometimes these treasures are not obvious.  Their full meaning and reason for being may take time to be appreciated and uncovered.  As a family we are moving out of a wintery time of storms.  I am on the lookout for those surprising treasures of insight and love emerging from the sand banks built up by the waves.  I am not sure yet what those interesting pieces of wood and rock sticking up from the sand may eventually reveal.  Nevertheless, I am eager and ready for those new insights and even sometimes for those very special finds.   May my eyes be open to be surprised and to discover new things that are washed up on the beach of my soul.  So many of the most special discoveries in life are not those that we specifically aim for, but those that are uncovered or get washed up on the beaches of our lives as "Gifts from the Sea!" (Anne Morrow Lindbergh)

All That Is

It really is not easy to open our arms to all that is.  Not only do we open our arms to the great joys and celebrations, but our open arms also open us to the reality of pain and suffering too.  With arms wide, there is no protection for our vulnerable hearts.  While my Rebecca was opening her arms yesterday in joy of creation, there are also shadows created in the light.  In this Holy Week where today on this Palm Sunday Jesus was celebrated and welcomed with great joy, in just days he will be mocked and scorned and betrayed by the same people.  His arms open today in the celebration of entering Jerusalem, will in a few short days be open on the cross.

Vulnerability in both joy and sorrow.  Jesus has gone before us in the journey, and through His death and resurrection His Spirit now lives within us, giving us strength and complete forgiveness and new beginnings.  In that Spirit I want to continue to increasingly open my arms in vulnerability to all the challenges of both joy and sorrow.  I am thankful for all that is.

Open Arms

Congratulations to our Rebecca!  At this final art show at the end of your four years of university we celebrate your hard work and this creative expression of your heart and soul.  Here your creations are displayed in a big open space where their full impact can be felt.  To me they speak of God's creation  in the elemental realities of earth, wind, water and fire.  They speak to  Daddy of the electrical activity in the neurons of God's brain;  the God particle!

For both Daddy and I, you are the great joy of God's creation in this photo.  We are delighted that after a long and challenging four years, you are able to stand with your arms fully extended in great joy and delight!  We celebrate who you are and we are thankful for your hard work and for the great gift that has been entrusted to you.

Your life has not been easy.  You started painting as a way to express your own feelings at a time when our family was bombarded with unique and unusual challenges through growth and adoption.  At the same time,  you have struggled with significant chronic illness.  In these last few years you have often been lonely and isolated and far from home.  Even these paintings have not been created with ease.  You have shed many tears and have known deep discouragement and disappointment.  It takes time for the paint to dry in these huge works and you have never quite known if all your work will ever be completed or done.

It is my heart prayer that we all will be able to open our arms fully with joy and delight in our lives.  Each of us people have unique and special gifts and are ourselves wonderfully and fearfully created.  We  face  discouragement and challenge, and it certainly does take time for the paint to dry in all our life creations, big and small.  I personally find it hard and vulnerable to open my arms wide in life.  I hold this image of my Rebecca in my heart and am inspired.

Today in those quiet moments with God, practice being alone in the big white rooms of your soul.  Open your arms with delight in full acceptance of God's love for all of who you are, wounds and creations both.  Let God's bright light shine through you.    Rejoice with thankful delight as you let the paint dry.  Open your arms in vulnerable acceptance of all that is.

The Sacred Bond

It has been a sad week for us.  My parents' dog, Tucker, died on Tuesday.  He was only ten, but had a very pervasive cancer and we now think that he had been in pain for some time.  He was a very special dog in all our lives.  I remember my parents' hesitancy about getting a new puppy when they were 80 years old.  We were all so glad that they took the leap of faith and energy to be committed to a special dog at a time when most people would not be up to the challenge.  He was the joy of their eighth decade.  He is the only dog that my youngest four have known during their visits with their grandparents and he was central in their bonding with one another.

We were all close to our Tucker and will so miss his sense of fun and long walks with him.  He was a unique dog; a beautiful Sheltie with strong markings of dark and caramel brown thick fur.  Independent, ever watchful, and discerning in his attachments, he was extremely faithful, always staying close to those he loved.  Younger and more energetic than our Golden Retriever, Daisy, he teased her and kept her active whenever they were together.  Yesterday our Daisy seemed subdued and sad.  Somehow I think she sensed that her playmate and cousin had died.

I believe that animals are vitally important in our lives; they help us to be fully human.  In their loving dependence they bring a important grounding and deepen our understanding and bond with God, the loving Creator of all creatures. These days I have been pondering our walk as human beings, people of body, mind and spirit.  I have been reflecting on Saint Francis, loving guardian of all creatures.  Often as we seek to grow as people of spirit in God, we look first to lofty places of service and involvement.  I am realizing that God is not only in those heavenward and outwardly spiritual places, but our growth in Him must also involve looking downward and being fixed to the creaturely reality of the earth.  Our relationships with the animals in our lives helps us to be connected with the intrinsic value of our own earthly selves.  In his very being, Tucker had an important place in our lives.  We too are important in our very beings and we are more than enough just as we are, created lovingly by God to be our unique selves.

As we relate with those animals and beings around us, we connect more deeply with ourselves and with God.    Our bond with animals is part of the sacred in our lives.  Thank you, dear Tucker, for helping us all to grow and bond.  We love you.  Rest in peace our friend.

Inspired by Saint Patrick

Saint Patrick is an inspiration to me.  Though it is easy to be lulled into living a life of love and good works by our own strength, I deeply do believe that we are created to be in close relationship with Christ.  It is by His Spirit in us that we are able to love and care for God, others and ourselves.

May this prayer of Saint Patrick be the reality of Christ enfolding and within me, both protecting and emerging from my heart.

Surprise Journeys

Some months ago I fell in love with a painting created by a dear friend.  The painting is of a friendly, tubby  tugboat tied up securely to a dock.  The painting brought me great joy and I do believe that it is a wonderful work of art.  I considered buying it, even placing a deposit on it.  Somewhere deep in my soul, I felt that I needed to let that painting go as I wondered if it might have its own special journey.  In a few short months, indeed my happy painting has begun quite a fascinating journey of its own.  It has been highlighted specially in several exhibitions and has been used as a teaser for another.  None of that would have happened if I had bought it those months ago.  I think my painting has a unique purpose and journey unfolding and not yet fully known by any of us.

Sometimes I feel that my life is very securely tied up at the wharf.  I do find myself straining at the ropes, thinking of exciting journeys out at sea.  That boat in my painting is still tied up at the wharf, but somehow even so it is on an adventure of its own.

By the mystery of life I wonder if I too am on journeys that are not immediately obvious even to me as I am tied up by the responsibilities and limitations of my own earthly path.  I deeply trust God that I am on the journey intended for me.  Somehow by His mystery and Spirit, our lives tied up often have important and significant journeys beyond ourselves.  Increasingly I want to let go of the hold and control of my own destiny, allowing His Spirit to uniquely give greater meaning and purpose to even the places where I may feel stationary and tied up.  May God use the paintings of our lives in His ways to bring love and joy and peace to Himself and to all those unexpected others in our paths.

The Therapy Sand

When one of my far-flung daughters soon-to-return-home contemplated the upcoming home declutter so that she can dig her way into a corner that will be her new room, her immediate reaction was to tell me that the therapy sand bin would be the first thing that I would have to let go.

When my daughter was young, she and I and neighbouring children spent hours in our back-yard sand box.  Each home since then has had a large and well appointed sand-box with sand toys which is still a place of refuge and play for us all.

Much later, when it was determined that my younger children would benefit from therapy,  I spent long hours investigating possible therapists who would be able to help and stand with us all over the years.  Though cognitive behavioural therapy is the most researched and popular therapy offered especially in the local mental health regions, I wanted a broader approach for myself and my children.  Since my years studying bits of psychology in university many decades ago I have been struck with the effectiveness of play therapy.  The therapists finally chosen for the children each have expertise in play and sand therapy.  Often I was called in at the end of therapy sessions to witness ongoing healing and growth expressed in play and the sand table.  It was such a place of calm integration for my girls.

When a therapist friend was changing the direction of her own practice, she offered me a large flat tub full of very fine, white sand brought specially from the beaches of California.  Since then that indoor sand tub has brought hours of release and calm to us all in the long and rainy winter months.  Over the years I have carefully saved little plastic animals and figures.  They are perfect for play in this small sand tub.

The sand tub has had some very significant moments of use.  One of our daughters went through a time of very significant angst and pain.  She would have periods of uncontrollable generalized body pain and shaking that nothing would relieve.  During one of those episodes when I was close to taking her to the local hospital emergency, as a last resort I dragged the sand tub to a spot beside her bed.  She immediately started sifting the sand, feeling its soft smoothness fall between her fingers.  Over and over she would grasp for the sand and let it sift through her hands.  Her shaking and crying stopped.  The pain dissipated.  Together with our hands in the sand, calm was restored.

I still love feeling that sand and playing with the little figures scattered around the hills of sand.
No, my Rebecca, the sand tub will not be leaving.  Your corner is already waiting for you in open spaces and warm anticipation of you coming home soon, but tucked away my sand tub will remain.

Decluttering

Crocuses are blooming and daffodils are pushing up through the warming earth of our garden.  Spring is just around the corner and with the increased light and warmth our horizons are expanding as we start to move outside more.  It is time for spring cleaning after a winter spent inside.

This spring I want to begin to declutter my life.  A friend of mine has recently taken a decluttering course.  She has encouraged me and given me some pointers about how to begin with my home.  One of the keys is to set apart a significant chunk of time and then start with one room at a time.  Stay in that one room until the task is complete.  If it is a bedroom, make the bed and place all unwanted items on the bed, or just outside the door. Sort and deal with the items later, but begin with removing them.  Already in my heart I am starting to get mentally ready for the great declutter, considering what is important and what is not.  I am looking forward to wide open spaces of clear.

I have already begun my life decluttering in these last months.  For me, it was important to start decluttering my mind and heart.  I have carefully been considering what is really important to me.  St. Francis has again been an inspiration in this whole area.  He left his life of lavish luxury for a simplicity and devotion to God.  His was a complete declutter of all that was not focussed on loving God and others as oneself.   While each person's journey is unique, I am thankful that these days it does feel that my heart is more open and clear and focussed.  Many of my previous worries and concerns have been pushed out to the fringes of my life and  I am thankful  for more wide open spaces in my heart and mind.  Just like unwanted things are to be removed and not brought back into the openness of the rooms in our homes, so we are to leave the unwanted emotional baggage out of our hearts.  Once reviewed and integrated into our beings, much of our past baggage really can be thrown into the sea under a "no fishing" sign!  Christ came to bring us hope for new beginnings and life uncluttered by mistakes in the past.

I have lots of interests that bring books and stuff into my life.  I sometimes think that my kids would not have become artists and wide ranging thinkers without some of the "stuff"  that was so accessible to them.  Some of these things I will keep.  Still, lots can go.

For my heart, more open spaces beckon too!  In the still quietness I am being careful to keep my communication and love for God, others and my own self open and clear.

I send love and encouragement to others in these spring decluttering days of both homes and hearts!

An Instrument of God's Peace

My heart leapt today as a colleague came into our office and announced that the world has a new pope.  Though I am not Catholic, I do believe as a fellow Christian that the influence of the pope in our world has the potential to bring positive and godly hope and love.  A saint who I believe has captured much of the essence of Christianity  is Francis of Assissi.  I have always been deeply inspired by the radical love and humble life of St. Francis.   The new Pope taking the name of the humble Francis was a great reminder to me of the essence of Christ's message.  Indeed this new Pope Francis is extolled as a holy man with a pastor's heart.  He lives in humble dwellings and has a heart for ordinary people living in the struggles and pain of life.  He identifies with the poor and marginalized.

Tonight I pray with fresh enthusiasm the heart cry of St. Francis of Assissi.  May we all be inspired to walk on roads of giving; caring deeply and radically for others with love, light and joy.
                         

                                 Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
                                        Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
                                        where there is injury, pardon;
                                        where there is doubt, faith;
                                        where there is despair, hope;
                                        where there is darkness, light;
                                        where there is sadness, joy.

                                  O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
                                        to be consoled as to console;
                                         to be understood as to understand;
                                         to be loved as to love.
                           
                                      For it is in giving that we receive;
                                      it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
                                  and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

                                                      Amen.

A Fork in the Road

We are having to make some decisions about which turn we will take down the road of life for a couple of our girls.  There is no easy and clear answer.  There are advantages to both roads, and some stumbling blocks too.  One road is safe and familiar even if it does involve challenge and pain.  The other is a considerable step of faith in many ways.  It may be good, but on the other hand it may have some of the same stumbling blocks as the other.

I like to feel that whatever road taken, ultimately there will be places of personal growth down each one.  We do take our own selves on each road, and perhaps our greatest point of journey is that self journey within.  There is no doubt, though, that some roads do facilitate personal growth and development more than others.  Although I often worry that change may bring me right out of the frying pan into the fire, I have rarely regretted risks of change and adventure in my life.

I think it is time to bring out the old pro and con list on this decision.  Our girls would like to take the risk.  I am realizing that in their short lives the default has always been to risk change.  If things are hard, change has always ensued.  Today I am not so sure.  Maybe we will consider change, but take a deep breath and wait.   I have not rushed to put together the papers that would lead to immediate stepping down that unknown fork. Here I am writing a blog instead!  I am standing and peering down each road, with wonder and prayer.  I think I will linger just a bit longer here.  Sometimes it is the right move to wait and not move, but to be still and consider.

For tonight I will set up my tent here at the fork.  It is a good place to camp and be refreshed for now.

Feeling Different

Today two of our girls have gone to spend the day at our local small Christian school.  I am hopeful that it might be a good fit for them as they head into high school.  They seemed to know a number of kids as I dropped them off this morning and it had a feeling of happy acceptance.

Earlier one of the girls expressed that she feels different than many of the kids that are in her world.  She tends to gravitate naturally to those who have complex and challenging histories like her own.  Another daughter has an extremely eclectic group of friends.  She also once explained to me that they look on the outside how she feels inside.  It is comforting for her to be with others who fit with her complicated inside heart.

I think we all tend to be attracted to those who we perceive to be similar to ourselves.   Often, though, it has been my experience that sometimes my initial heart leanings toward others are not always accurate.  My life has been deeply enriched by meaningful and deep relationships with people who are very different than me.

I hope that my daughter who felt that she might be different from the kids at the Christian school will give the kids a chance.  I think that often people do not go to church for similar reasons.  From the outside we seem different than all those people in church.  We perceive others to be different.  Oftentimes they are, but it is also worth digging a bit deeper.  Those differences do not mean an easy or worry free life.  They may be differences that can bring added richness to our lives and they also many not really be as different as we originally thought.

We all are very unique and different from one another.  Inside, though, are lots of similarities.  Loneliness and longing to be appreciated and loved are common human refrains.  Accept those feelings of difference while embracing the adventure of new relationships formed in the unexpected places of life.

The Bigger Picture

It really is not easy to let go of the "success" of our children, of others or especially of ourselves.  What is helpful as we go forward on that journey?  For me, it is not more turning myself inside out for some new approach or technique.  I do believe that while we have an important part to play in determining our own destinies, that is not the whole picture.  Somehow in the mystery that is also part of life, I do believe that ultimately our lives are in the kind and gentle and tender hands of God.  There is more to life than what we can see and manipulate and do.   I do embrace the mysterious twists and turns of fate that I believe to be God's leading and guidance and creation of us as unique beings.

For those times that I feel completely out of control and helpless in the reality of life, where do I turn?  I believe that God has graciously invited us to be a part of the bigger picture of life through prayer and communication with Him.  Again, prayer has many layers of mystery for me.  Still, I pray.  I am thankful that somehow we can be a real part of that big picture for both ourselves and others through our heart cries and prayers and listening for God`s voice through it all.  I do not think that there is one magical formula or recipe for prayer.  Sometimes written prayers are helpful.  Sometimes I pray through the Psalms of David in the Bible.  Most often in those still places of my heart I reach out to God, holding my love and my heart desires to Him.   Usually, I never really see what difference my prayers make.  Still, I pray and communicate as part of the heart of who I am.

Who really knows what happens to those deep heart stirring prayers and those rocket quick prayers thrown out to God through the day?  I'm really not sure.  By faith, though, I do believe that in the big picture and by God's grace my prayers are important and they do make a difference.
Sometimes prayer just comes when I am at the end of myself.  Most often these days prayer is my constant foundation of hope.  Deep down, I know God hears and welcomes all the communication I can give, both big and small.  I listen too for His words, that still small voice of quiet within that is His prayer and communication to me.  The gift of communication with the Creator.   That is what makes all the difference in that big picture for me.

The Game Well-Played!

Tonight my husband and I had a great date together watching our son from afar play soccer.  He and his team are down in the Lower Mainland for the weekend playing several games. As we huddled together in the cold wetness of the evening,  husband and I were impressed by the quality of the soccer played.  We have missed watching soccer regularly now that our son lives up north.  The level of soccer played was great fun to watch and to cheer on.  Congratulations son!

Although the team played extremely well and has improved greatly since we watched them last in the fall, they did not win the game as they would have liked.  The players were disappointed, but it was still a great game and a wonderful evening.  

I was reminded of a conversation that I had with our psychologist earlier in the day.  As parents we can parent well, but the results are not always what we may fully desire.  We have to be careful not to take on responsibility for ultimate healing of our children.  I have spent hours worrying over what I could do to be a better parent.  The bottom line is that there are many different factors that contribute to the health of our children.  It is important to not take on all the responsibility for our children.  We need to learn to enjoy the parenting process and let go of all the final results!  Easier said than done, but still important to remember.  Our kids come with their own propensities and leanings.  They often have many other factors that contribute to their being, including past trauma and any number of challenges.

As parents it does not help our children when we are personally invested in the 'success' of our parenting. Be invested in our kids as they are.  Enjoy the process of parenting.  Keep a healthy perspective, recognizing that we may not be the 'winning' team as we would like.  Be creative in recognizing the great things that we do contribute.  Get help with strategies for effective parenting, do your best, and then take the personal losses as part of this risky game of life!  Watch for those surprising places where there is winning too!  Those wins may not be with the kids, but with helpful shifts in our own approaches and perspectives.  Tonight I cheer on all those involved in this parenting journey, wishing you a  great game full of great moves and healthy perspectives!

Treasured

A friend and I connected by phone today.  She has gone to Eastern Canada to care for her grandchildren there.  Her four year old granddaughter has a brand new baby brother.  I can almost feel the joy and excitement reverberating clear across Canada with the new birth and joy of children.  These children are treasured deeply by a network of loving family.  Each step of these days is surrounded in love and understanding, both for the new baby and for his sister who is now having to share the attention.

During these exciting days of new birth and treasured children I often feel a twinge of sadness for all those who come into a world that is not waiting for their arrival with loving anticipation and joy. Those early days of bonding and "beaming and gleaming" love from parent's eyes to child with the dance of understanding and care are vital in the early foundations of our beings.  The neurological connections formed in those early days of security have been proven to be central to the steady neurological foundation of our being.

Many of our children coming from difficult places where there was no support and love in those early days sometimes learn to cope superficially well.  In times of change and stress, their weak foundation often cracks.  Surprising behaviours erupt.  Overwhelming and uncontrollable feelings emerge.  These can include feelings of abandonment and loss and anger, but often in real life it is difficult to recognize when the foundation is especially weak.  Often both the child and caregivers are caught off guard and tend to react rather than helpfully respond.

It is helpful for me to keep these realities in mind as I parent my children.  I often tend to take their behaviours personally;  in reality I am only the safe lightning rod for much deeper concerns.  I do believe that it is not possible to navigate these waters with our children alone.  They need others who understand their deepest feelings and who know how to help them.  The depth of pain for kids from places of challenge can be overwhelming for both the child and family.  We depend on those specially gifted and educated to help us all.

In the midst of it all, I want my children to feel deeply loved and treasured now!  It may feel late and many wounds are seeping, but still the power of love is important.  Love may not heal our kids and they can certainly be very difficult to love.  Often there are not others who are eager to join us.  Expression of love is still centrally important!   Be creative in ways to express delight and joy in our big kids.  Be wise, and take care of yourself, but always hold on to hope in love for our treasured kids.

The Gift of Deep

I had one of those especially magical days at my work.  I am a physiotherapist working in the community with children  who often have many complex needs.  I usually spend an hour with each child and their family or caregiver, teaching and giving suggestions for movement that can be incorporated into everyday life.  Not every day holds times of outward satisfaction and joy, but sometimes days come together in ways that are profound and remind me of why I am on my present path.

 First thing this morning I had a most wonderful connection with a child
who has many challenges.  I was able to incorporate music, singing, and a multifaceted approach into our hour together so that for the first time she was able to play and function with her preschool buddies outside on the grass and playground equipment.   It was a special moment when I felt that the hour had come together in a helpful way for us all. We were all brought together by a child who would probably not have chosen the challenges that she faces, but together there was great depth in our togetherness as we were trying to help her.

Last thing today I was with a very different child and his mother.  In the quiet of their home the parent gently shared how thankful she is to be able to live a deep life.  The challenges of her child have catapulted her on a road rarely travelled.  The story of her family is not one that she might have chosen or expected, but it is leading her to be a much deeper and more thoughtful person.

Life is like that.  Often we are hit with challenges that we would not have chosen.  They become part of our life story that shapes us.   Those things are different for us all.  Often we do not at first embrace or see any light in the dark valleys of life.  Sometimes  we are blessed to see light streaming over the hills and through the trees into the valley.  In those moments, we see our roads as leading us to places where we have the opportunity to embrace the gifts of deep.  Moments of joy and of meaning come together.

All of us have our own unique paths that can take unexpected turns at any time.  Frequently we do not have clear perspective or light on our paths.  Sometimes we do.  Those moments are gifts to be savoured with thankfulness and joy. No matter what the unique and possibly hidden paths of our lives,  may we come to see the places of depth and meaning that bring multifaceted richness and difference to our days.

Our Nanny

Late last night I made my weekly call to our Nanny.  Nanny is the foster mother of three of my girls.  She has  become one of my closest friends and is an incredible support to me and all the family.  I depend on our weekly calls and often call her frequently during the week.  She is the only other person in the world who deeply knows and loves my children and understands my daily walk.  She knows all the details lived of my children and has an intimate understanding of all the people and circumstances of their lives.  She has experienced their pain and trauma in even more intensity than me.  She is also still walking a similar path herself as a hands-on-mother of three of my kids' foster siblings.   She understands the grief and loss of our children and has fully embraced our other daughter into her ever expanding heart of love.   The blood shared in our tears and sweat shed over the years has united us deeply in ways far more binding and significant than any genetic connection.  I know that she is always there for me and I do rest in her love and full acceptance.

This week I met another lovely person who is in the beginning stages of considering being a foster mum.  Many have discouraged her in her dream.  I do not know where God will lead her, but I certainly know how important is the calling of foster parenting.  My children and all their extended families, birth and otherwise, have been profoundly impacted by the care and sensitive wisdom of our Nanny.  Her loving touch is deeply ingrained in us all.

I know that my special relationship with Nanny and her husband is a rare gift.  At the same time, I feel that sometimes us adoptive parents do not give our foster families the incredible credit that their sacrificial love and care deserves.  One of the previous adoptive families of our daughter may have subconsciously felt that they were rescuing her from foster care.  Somehow my daughter picked up on that subtle message and in panic that her Nanny and foster dad were not known and appreciated by them, she disrupted the adoption.  Nanny and Ken will always be central family, holding a most central place in the hearts of my girls.

My new friend considering foster care, I am praying for you.  Even in this process may you come to appreciate and join in prayer and love for the many amazing foster parents spending their lives for children.

Nanny, I so appreciate and love you.  Thank you for being most deeply the  sister that I always dreamed would love and care for me.  Your constant support, listening ear, and love will continue to bloom and grow and shine in our hearts always.  You and Ken are deeply family to us all.

Deepening Abundance

I have had a weekend of abundance.  Some of you may be smiling and imagining me on a roller coaster moving so quickly from expressions of the difficulties and challenges of life to  abundant joys and richness!  I think the reality is that the rich abundance of life encompasses and surrounds both the struggles and the joys. The Chinese character for "crisis" incorporates the ideas of "dangerous opportunity."  There is great abundance and growth implied in that understanding of crisis.  It is often in the times of walking through difficulties that we learn and grow the most in our own personal abundance.  Through some of the challenges of our days we have known great abundance.  People have surrounded us and cared for us in many ways.  I have known personal triumph and growth in my own ability to grow in love and care.  We have known greatly of God's grace and love in glimpses of light in the ordinary.

Yesterday was a wonderful wedding celebration.  It felt like a watershed moment of abundance for me, through the joy of our friends.  My friend married is my age and has raised her two children by herself for the last twenty years.  She has walked faithfully and has persevered through many challenges.  She and I have met together for weekly late night cups of tea over the last year.  Together we have seen God's grace and leading as she met her husband through the internet.  We had many moments of laughter and disbelief in ourselves as she made that very uncharacteristic and risky leap.  Together we have been learning to wait on God in times of foggy darkness.  Our growth was intertwined with the events of this year, but not all that related to the actual bringing together of such joy.  On its very own our growth was cause for this great celebration of two lives joined.

In the midst of her own preparations this week, my friend brought me these exquisite flowers.  At first I thought I should bring them to the wedding as flower centerpieces, but no, they were just for me.  Exquisite beauty and abundance sitting right in the middle of my own table, full to bursting with both joy and pain and the hope of dangerous opportunity!  Thank you my faithful friend.  May God bless us all in His abundant fullness of life in the now of all circumstances today.

Leaning In

For many years I have had a tattered reproduction of this painting of "The Prodigal Son" by Rembrandt stuck on my bedside table.  It is often the last image that I see as I am falling asleep and the first to welcome me each morning.  The father's incredible love for his son is a great and constant comfort for me.  I am also inspired to have that unwavering love for each of my children and those people in my life.

The prodigal son made many foolish choices.  He took his inheritance and squandered it, only returning home  when he was almost starving and at the end of himself.  Even his motivation for returning home was not because of his love for his father, but because he had no other options for living.  His father welcomed him and took him back because he loved his son, regardless of his choices and motivations for returning.  God is unwavering in His constant care for us, welcoming us back always.  He loves us as we are.  It is not our doings or our specialness that earns His love.  We are loved for our very unadorned selves;  our ordinary and often feeling incomplete beings.

In the Christian calendar we are now in the middle of the season of Lent, as we walk with Jesus up the long and tedious hill to Jerusalem where he will ultimately be misunderstood, crucified, and later rise again to life in us.  I have been holding the idea of leaning into God in this time of Lent.

We are all welcome, like this son, to lean into God's deep and all encompassing love, regardless of anything we have done or not done.  Each of us is completely specially created and treasured by Him.  Our belonging is in Him.  May this love that He has for us in little bits, imperfect as they are, radiate from us to all those around us.  We are each of us the physical arms of God for those around us.  Thanks to all those who have given me earthly glimmers of this love in these days and beyond.  For the dark chocolates shared, the hugs, messages, understanding hearts and smiles and mostly the gifts of simply being on this journey together.  Thanks for allowing me to lean in these lenten days.