As I entered my workplace today my attention was immediately drawn to a spectacular Bead Tree. There in the middle of our common office area was a new tree growing. Hundreds of colourful strands of beads draped and hung gently to transform what once only held coats. It was an amazing sight. All day we were delighting in the beautiful colours. Expressive greens, forest and lime mixed with the blues of glacial lakes and unknown depths. Reds and oranges and rich purples reminding us of sun's glow. Each bead carefully fashioned from rolled paper and chosen with others to make exquisite necklaces and bracelets.
Adding to the delight is the dream behind the beads. Bead by bead, necklace by necklace, one of our number is following his heart and dream. It is not an easy or straightforward dream, but step by step he is heading forward to make a difference in the life of a child. The beads and necklaces are made in Africa where the dream began. Hidden in the daily living, but with powerful strength underneath, our colleague and his wife are climbing the mountain of adoption from Africa, just one step at a time.
I am reminded that dreams are like those necklaces. It takes time to fashion those colourful beads and then to carefully string them together. All the beads fit together to make the lovely necklace that then gives so much joy. Kids reaching for my necklace today. Colours radiating. Delight in small beauty.
Seek after your dreams, one bead at a time. Take those little steps along the way with joy and wonder. Let each unique bead be specially and carefully strung with the others to fashion the gift and direction of your special life. I am wearing a necklace of blue with love and prayer for all the lives touched both now and as the story unfolds. To dreams, to life, to Africa and to child not yet known I give my heart!
Wednesday, 31 October 2012
Monday, 29 October 2012
Great Joy
Today is a special day. It is the birth day of our flute playing fifteen year old daughter. She is a gifted writer and tells about her own birthday joy in her blog at crystalsmiracles.blogspot.ca. From our perspective, we are rejoicing because we have now had her in our hearts and lives for seven whole years. She has brought great joy to our family. In her heart she will always be an only child, but she is also our middle child, and as she loves to tell people, the oldest of the youngest four children. She was our first child by adoption and is truly a miracle child, like each one of our children. We will never forget the long process of adoption, starting with a quiet voice within encouraging us to "step out of the boat" and my tentative call to 1-877-ADOPT-07 on my 50th birthday. My husband was 64. We really had no idea whether we would be able to adopt, but we felt we at least wanted to be available if we would be a fit for a waiting child.
A year later, our daughter was proposed to us. My husband had not wanted to go to the matching event because he did not like the idea of choosing a child by appearance. He felt we had shared so much of ourselves with our social worker and we would let her and God find a match if it was meant to be. I must say, I would have liked to have gone to the Adoption Resource Event as I think it is a great opportunity to learn more and also to get known by other workers, but nevertheless, our worker went to the matching event alone. When she saw the video of our daughter something stirred in her heart and she immediately saw that child as ours. Our daughter was her first match as an adoption social worker. Through many ups and downs and changes along the way, that little girl in the video became our daughter. My husband clearly told me before our proposal meeting not to get carried away. We were to listen to the social worker, read the file, and think and pray about the proposal for a few weeks. I will never forget him sitting at the end of the table. After hearing about our daughter, he placed his hand on the enormous file, looked straight at the worker and exclaimed, "This is my girl." She certainly is. It did take time for her to bond. For almost a year she would not stay alone in the same room with my husband. He was patient and gentle and let her be. He did fill his pockets with candy and treats regularly. He still does. Finally she too could say, "This is my Dad!"
You ARE our daughter, our dear one. May you have a wonderful birthday and a special year ahead. We love you. You are a sparkling diamond of Colour, Radiance, Youth and Spunk. You bring us great joy.
A year later, our daughter was proposed to us. My husband had not wanted to go to the matching event because he did not like the idea of choosing a child by appearance. He felt we had shared so much of ourselves with our social worker and we would let her and God find a match if it was meant to be. I must say, I would have liked to have gone to the Adoption Resource Event as I think it is a great opportunity to learn more and also to get known by other workers, but nevertheless, our worker went to the matching event alone. When she saw the video of our daughter something stirred in her heart and she immediately saw that child as ours. Our daughter was her first match as an adoption social worker. Through many ups and downs and changes along the way, that little girl in the video became our daughter. My husband clearly told me before our proposal meeting not to get carried away. We were to listen to the social worker, read the file, and think and pray about the proposal for a few weeks. I will never forget him sitting at the end of the table. After hearing about our daughter, he placed his hand on the enormous file, looked straight at the worker and exclaimed, "This is my girl." She certainly is. It did take time for her to bond. For almost a year she would not stay alone in the same room with my husband. He was patient and gentle and let her be. He did fill his pockets with candy and treats regularly. He still does. Finally she too could say, "This is my Dad!"
You ARE our daughter, our dear one. May you have a wonderful birthday and a special year ahead. We love you. You are a sparkling diamond of Colour, Radiance, Youth and Spunk. You bring us great joy.
Sunday, 28 October 2012
Dolphins
One way that has been very helpful in settling the hearts and emotions of our children is to have them imagine being a favorite animal. Feeling themselves moving as the animal helps them learn to regulate and stabilize a bit like active meditative deep breathing and mindfulness helps adults.
A couple of our children love to imagine themselves as dolphins, leaping and swiftly swimming sleekly through the water. They like to feel the water, the speed and the warmth of the water. Like the dolphins, one of their favorite activities is swimming.
Swimming is a wonderful activity for many children and adults too! It is also an important life skill for us here on the West Coast, so I always try to arrange weekly swimming lessons for the kids here at home in either the fall or spring. Having the lessons gets us going to the pool regularly and I always make sure that they have play time before or after the lesson.
Moving and swimming through the water has brought significant healing to our children. It gives them a sense of grounded belonging in their bodies. I usually sit by the side of the pool. When the children first joined our family it gave a great opportunity for practicing eye contact. I would encourage the kids to watch for me. Every time they caught my eye I would give them a thumbs up or smile. They got used to looking to me for direction and praise across the pool deck. It also helped them learn some self regulation. Although I am sure others might have felt I was somewhat over-the-top in my parental control, when there was any sign of the children getting out of control or over excited, I would motion to them to come and sit with me until they were settled. They were well aware of the routine before hand, and it was an immediate time of closeness whenever things were getting too carried away. I wrapped them in a towel and gave them a firm hug of deep pressure to help them get grounded and stabilized before heading off to try again.
The lessons have also given the children practice following directions and listening to others. For many children this is overwhelming. The loud echoing environment of the pool is not good for all children, especially if they are sensitive to noise. Some of our older children have been volunteers to help with children who need an extra hand in the pool. One of our younger daughters for whom the pool has been very helpful is now excited about being able to volunteer herself.
Tonight I am off to pick up my now independent dolphins from the pool. What a great place of fun, healing and play.
A couple of our children love to imagine themselves as dolphins, leaping and swiftly swimming sleekly through the water. They like to feel the water, the speed and the warmth of the water. Like the dolphins, one of their favorite activities is swimming.
Swimming is a wonderful activity for many children and adults too! It is also an important life skill for us here on the West Coast, so I always try to arrange weekly swimming lessons for the kids here at home in either the fall or spring. Having the lessons gets us going to the pool regularly and I always make sure that they have play time before or after the lesson.
Moving and swimming through the water has brought significant healing to our children. It gives them a sense of grounded belonging in their bodies. I usually sit by the side of the pool. When the children first joined our family it gave a great opportunity for practicing eye contact. I would encourage the kids to watch for me. Every time they caught my eye I would give them a thumbs up or smile. They got used to looking to me for direction and praise across the pool deck. It also helped them learn some self regulation. Although I am sure others might have felt I was somewhat over-the-top in my parental control, when there was any sign of the children getting out of control or over excited, I would motion to them to come and sit with me until they were settled. They were well aware of the routine before hand, and it was an immediate time of closeness whenever things were getting too carried away. I wrapped them in a towel and gave them a firm hug of deep pressure to help them get grounded and stabilized before heading off to try again.
The lessons have also given the children practice following directions and listening to others. For many children this is overwhelming. The loud echoing environment of the pool is not good for all children, especially if they are sensitive to noise. Some of our older children have been volunteers to help with children who need an extra hand in the pool. One of our younger daughters for whom the pool has been very helpful is now excited about being able to volunteer herself.
Tonight I am off to pick up my now independent dolphins from the pool. What a great place of fun, healing and play.
Friday, 26 October 2012
Holding Patterns
A significant part of my work days are spent helping moms and dads learn how to hold their children. Many of the children that I work with are not easy to hold. Together we find ways that parents can not only begin to hold their children but also begin to bond with them. Sometimes children refuse to be held. We try to find creative ways to make connections and to strengthen those bonds.
We face the same challenges with our children here at home. Sometimes our kids need to learn to be held and we need to learn how to hold them in ways that are best for them. Sometimes they can only tolerate a hand on their shoulder at first. Often they need to be in control. My children have sometimes started the process of allowing themselves to be held by snuggling with our dog. They love to hold animals and often their hearts and bodies are softened through contact with them. Horse riding has been another way to give the children the warmth and receptivity of another living being close by in a way that is healthy and non threatening.
Sometimes physically holding our children and one another is just not possible for any number of reasons. I have been cultivating the habit of holding my children and those I care about in my heart. I keep space for them and surround them with my love and thoughts and prayers. I hold them in the arms of my soul. I visualize my heart as a lovely "great room" or garden with all those in my life enjoying the loving space and one another together.
I am learning how to enfold my own self in love too. That sometimes is quite a bit more tricky for me as often I am my own worst enemy. We are to love others as we love ourselves. I am keeping loving holding space of gentleness for myself these days too. My heart is more open and gentle to others when I do not ignore my own needs to be held carefully by myself. Like our children, we too need to learn to receive supportive holding by others, both in their hearts and in their arms.
Beyond and also intimately within all our earthly connections and our hearts God is there waiting for us with His open arms and heart. Today may I lean a little more into His holding love and rest.
We face the same challenges with our children here at home. Sometimes our kids need to learn to be held and we need to learn how to hold them in ways that are best for them. Sometimes they can only tolerate a hand on their shoulder at first. Often they need to be in control. My children have sometimes started the process of allowing themselves to be held by snuggling with our dog. They love to hold animals and often their hearts and bodies are softened through contact with them. Horse riding has been another way to give the children the warmth and receptivity of another living being close by in a way that is healthy and non threatening.
Sometimes physically holding our children and one another is just not possible for any number of reasons. I have been cultivating the habit of holding my children and those I care about in my heart. I keep space for them and surround them with my love and thoughts and prayers. I hold them in the arms of my soul. I visualize my heart as a lovely "great room" or garden with all those in my life enjoying the loving space and one another together.
I am learning how to enfold my own self in love too. That sometimes is quite a bit more tricky for me as often I am my own worst enemy. We are to love others as we love ourselves. I am keeping loving holding space of gentleness for myself these days too. My heart is more open and gentle to others when I do not ignore my own needs to be held carefully by myself. Like our children, we too need to learn to receive supportive holding by others, both in their hearts and in their arms.
Beyond and also intimately within all our earthly connections and our hearts God is there waiting for us with His open arms and heart. Today may I lean a little more into His holding love and rest.
Wednesday, 24 October 2012
Food for Thought
Food feeds both our physical and emotional bodies and souls. I have been inspired this week by a good friend. She and her family have eaten for a week on twenty six dollars each. This is the amount that most people living on welfare have left over for food after paying rent and utilities. I have followed the food journey of my friend and her family closely. I have been inspired and challenged by their personal involvement in the lives of many in creative ways over the years, and this week was no exception. The whole point is to advocate for those trying to survive on welfare.
For the people joining in the welfare food challenge and even those of us following along with them, it certainly was an eye opening week. Food impacts all levels of our being and lack of it can be crippling to people already marginalized. My friends are people of thought and many personal strengths. They found the week hard. Eating was no longer enjoyable. They felt stuffed with carbohydrates and fats. More time was spent focussed on food. Even their relationships shifted as they tried to support their children and one another.
All the children who have joined our family as older children have issues with food. Each child had experiences of being hungry. Food was full of sugar, carbohydrates and fat for them as they were growing up. McDonald's is their comfort food of choice. One daughter has started blogging and I have noticed how central food is in her heart writing and experience. When she first came to live with us she would only eat bread and milk and Chicken McNuggets. We had to enlist her cooperation to add food gradually to her repertoire after a few months. Each new food item was written on the big family calendar to introduce weeks in advance. She still has a limited range of foods that she can eat. Another of our children stuffs food into her mouth without thinking or stopping to breathe. She is completely unaware of quantity or taste. She remembers being hungry all the time as a child. For another child who went through a couple of adoption disruptions some of her central memories are around being forced to eat new foods that she did not like. Being made to eat a tuna sandwich was a central deal breaker with one family.
Food has been a symbol of empty bloating and soul less carbohydrates for our children. We have had to go slowly as we have tried to bring healthy sustenance to the food our children eat. We have started by involving them in the preparation and even the planning and buying of healthy soul full food. We have baked and prepared hearty foods together, working side by side. We still indulge in the deep rooted comfort foods at McDonald's every so often, but the children are beginning to love the fresh grainy breads and potato vegetable soups that are prepared together with produce from the garden and love in relationship of working together. It does take time and money to be creative and soul full in our eating. Eating is a way that we can enjoy receiving nourishment for the health and well being of our bodies and spirits. It is an ordinary part of our lives that with a little creativity can bring great life richness.
As a family we are trying to be aware of sustainable eating with health and in relationship. With our friend's welfare food challenge in mind we want to share with others too. We have helped make sandwiches each week for soup kitchens and we do want to care for those all around us struggling to make ends meet who have limited food choices. We want to advocate for those for whom life seems to bring little nourishment or sustenance both in food and relationship.
Food is both an ordinary and also a deeply profound part of our lives as human beings. I want to be creatively proactive in bringing the nourishment and sustenance of heart and soul food full of colour, texture and variety into the lives of my family and friends.
For the people joining in the welfare food challenge and even those of us following along with them, it certainly was an eye opening week. Food impacts all levels of our being and lack of it can be crippling to people already marginalized. My friends are people of thought and many personal strengths. They found the week hard. Eating was no longer enjoyable. They felt stuffed with carbohydrates and fats. More time was spent focussed on food. Even their relationships shifted as they tried to support their children and one another.
All the children who have joined our family as older children have issues with food. Each child had experiences of being hungry. Food was full of sugar, carbohydrates and fat for them as they were growing up. McDonald's is their comfort food of choice. One daughter has started blogging and I have noticed how central food is in her heart writing and experience. When she first came to live with us she would only eat bread and milk and Chicken McNuggets. We had to enlist her cooperation to add food gradually to her repertoire after a few months. Each new food item was written on the big family calendar to introduce weeks in advance. She still has a limited range of foods that she can eat. Another of our children stuffs food into her mouth without thinking or stopping to breathe. She is completely unaware of quantity or taste. She remembers being hungry all the time as a child. For another child who went through a couple of adoption disruptions some of her central memories are around being forced to eat new foods that she did not like. Being made to eat a tuna sandwich was a central deal breaker with one family.
Food has been a symbol of empty bloating and soul less carbohydrates for our children. We have had to go slowly as we have tried to bring healthy sustenance to the food our children eat. We have started by involving them in the preparation and even the planning and buying of healthy soul full food. We have baked and prepared hearty foods together, working side by side. We still indulge in the deep rooted comfort foods at McDonald's every so often, but the children are beginning to love the fresh grainy breads and potato vegetable soups that are prepared together with produce from the garden and love in relationship of working together. It does take time and money to be creative and soul full in our eating. Eating is a way that we can enjoy receiving nourishment for the health and well being of our bodies and spirits. It is an ordinary part of our lives that with a little creativity can bring great life richness.
As a family we are trying to be aware of sustainable eating with health and in relationship. With our friend's welfare food challenge in mind we want to share with others too. We have helped make sandwiches each week for soup kitchens and we do want to care for those all around us struggling to make ends meet who have limited food choices. We want to advocate for those for whom life seems to bring little nourishment or sustenance both in food and relationship.
Food is both an ordinary and also a deeply profound part of our lives as human beings. I want to be creatively proactive in bringing the nourishment and sustenance of heart and soul food full of colour, texture and variety into the lives of my family and friends.
Tuesday, 23 October 2012
Middle "C"
Music is deep soul food for me and for my family. It is a rich grounder and stabilizer for us all. There is a lot of research that also echoes my own heart. Music, beat and rhythm impact the most foundational part of the brain stem and help build and solidify us from this deep core of our being.
Once again this week music has given me a fresh point of reference. Our family CD player has not worked well for a while and somehow I have not taken the time to be refreshed by a variety of music played. I had a day at home and got the music playing again. I reached for some stabilizing Baroque as I worked away. It was reviving and soul filling for me, bringing back many memories of earlier times.
We have tried to incorporate music as part of the fabric of our family life in a variety of ways. Most of the kids have had piano lessons. For those joining us later in their lives we have been able to join group music classes. In the fragmentation and disorganization of their hearts, the music has been an important part of their healing. Just knowing that middle C does not change and is constant with B before and D after is somehow helpful in bringing order to chaotic lives.
A couple of children play the violin. The vibration of this string instrument brings its own energy healing and they always feel much happier and more integrated after playing. Our psychologist sometimes sends us home with bubbles to blow to help with our breathing. Similarly, our flute and trumpet player also feel so much better after playing. I think the diaphragmatic breathing and breath control bring another level of control and life to these kids.
Another son was very traumatized early in school. He and my husband took drum lessons together. I continue to love the beat of the drums! All the kids love picking up the African drums and feeling the beat.
Singing is also a great way to express and to feel deep vibration and soul heart. I work with kids and actually sing songs to my kids most of the day. I often continue that at home. Certainly a song can express a lot more than yelling ever did! I have looked out for choirs and places for all the kids to sing. Even for a term singing has been a great outlet. A Christmas choir several years ago brought a huge level of breakthrough and healing for one of our daughters. I sing along with the music on the car radio too, much to the dismay of my kids. Sometimes in my enjoyment of the beat I have no idea what I am singing. The kids keep me on track. Wonderful that they notice the words! We have had some great conversations unpacking those less than desirable lyrics that I was blasting out without thinking!
As I write, I am also laughing realistically as the cacophany of all kinds of music reverberates through those earphones and our car stereo. Not always integrating and healing! The violin, drums and trumpet are not always restful to have blasting off key either. Music brings back both good and bad memories for our kids too. Some music we avoid because of the harsh memories brought back.
Still, this week I have been reminded again of music's power and healing. Another way to connect and communicate. I am encouraged again to sing my youngest to sleep and to keep that CD player playing with a wide variety of music to enrich us all.
Once again this week music has given me a fresh point of reference. Our family CD player has not worked well for a while and somehow I have not taken the time to be refreshed by a variety of music played. I had a day at home and got the music playing again. I reached for some stabilizing Baroque as I worked away. It was reviving and soul filling for me, bringing back many memories of earlier times.
We have tried to incorporate music as part of the fabric of our family life in a variety of ways. Most of the kids have had piano lessons. For those joining us later in their lives we have been able to join group music classes. In the fragmentation and disorganization of their hearts, the music has been an important part of their healing. Just knowing that middle C does not change and is constant with B before and D after is somehow helpful in bringing order to chaotic lives.
A couple of children play the violin. The vibration of this string instrument brings its own energy healing and they always feel much happier and more integrated after playing. Our psychologist sometimes sends us home with bubbles to blow to help with our breathing. Similarly, our flute and trumpet player also feel so much better after playing. I think the diaphragmatic breathing and breath control bring another level of control and life to these kids.
Another son was very traumatized early in school. He and my husband took drum lessons together. I continue to love the beat of the drums! All the kids love picking up the African drums and feeling the beat.
Singing is also a great way to express and to feel deep vibration and soul heart. I work with kids and actually sing songs to my kids most of the day. I often continue that at home. Certainly a song can express a lot more than yelling ever did! I have looked out for choirs and places for all the kids to sing. Even for a term singing has been a great outlet. A Christmas choir several years ago brought a huge level of breakthrough and healing for one of our daughters. I sing along with the music on the car radio too, much to the dismay of my kids. Sometimes in my enjoyment of the beat I have no idea what I am singing. The kids keep me on track. Wonderful that they notice the words! We have had some great conversations unpacking those less than desirable lyrics that I was blasting out without thinking!
As I write, I am also laughing realistically as the cacophany of all kinds of music reverberates through those earphones and our car stereo. Not always integrating and healing! The violin, drums and trumpet are not always restful to have blasting off key either. Music brings back both good and bad memories for our kids too. Some music we avoid because of the harsh memories brought back.
Still, this week I have been reminded again of music's power and healing. Another way to connect and communicate. I am encouraged again to sing my youngest to sleep and to keep that CD player playing with a wide variety of music to enrich us all.
Monday, 22 October 2012
Jumbled Feelings
Trumpet playing exclamation mark daughter really loved all her sessions with a psychologist. She has internalized many of the ideas shared with her to help her cope with the challenges she faces. Like everything she does, she takes all that she has learned one step further! Yesterday she found a huge unused white board and set up a feelings chart, colour coded and labelled for the entire week ahead. Today was a multicolour day of jumbled feelings. I am not at all surprised.
Celebration days are not easy for many children. Gotcha days also bring up sadness and feelings for the birth and foster families, previous adopted families and other foster siblings left. For our daughter too, last year we planned a funeral service for her mom on the day before her Gotcha day. Her mom died several years ago under tragic circumstances, but our daughter had never had a chance to formally remember her mom in a service, so we had a lovely family service. She wrote notes on helium balloons to send to heaven. She burned a card where she had written a longer letter to her mom. We read a passage from the Bible that had been given to our daughter by her birth grandma. We prayed. We ate an ice cream cake inscribed with "I love you, MOM" on it.
I had forgotten that we had linked the memorial service and the Gotcha Day so close together last year. I guess the thought was to acknowledge the unfinished grieving before the Gotcha Day joy. Our daughter did not forget. Added to this was the death of her friend's dad last week. We took pizza and helium balloons to the friend yesterday too. Our daughter was well aware of the close link with her own grief and that of her friend. We saved one balloon for our daughter and she used a sharpie to write a note to her own mom too.
Even though our exclamation mark girl appears confident in so many situations, underneath it all, like so many of us, she struggles. She does not like to be singled out for attention. She always has a hard time with birthdays too. We discovered the hard way that big birthday parties are not the way to go for her.
Grieving is never something that we complete fully. It is an ongoing process like so many things in life. Jumbled feelings are to be expected too. Our daughter is always comforted that we do not expect her to have unencumbered joy in all the celebrations of life. Life is so much more complicated than that. There is relief in knowing that is alright. I want to allow our kids be comfortable with the wide range of feelings that celebrations can bring.
Celebration days are not easy for many children. Gotcha days also bring up sadness and feelings for the birth and foster families, previous adopted families and other foster siblings left. For our daughter too, last year we planned a funeral service for her mom on the day before her Gotcha day. Her mom died several years ago under tragic circumstances, but our daughter had never had a chance to formally remember her mom in a service, so we had a lovely family service. She wrote notes on helium balloons to send to heaven. She burned a card where she had written a longer letter to her mom. We read a passage from the Bible that had been given to our daughter by her birth grandma. We prayed. We ate an ice cream cake inscribed with "I love you, MOM" on it.
I had forgotten that we had linked the memorial service and the Gotcha Day so close together last year. I guess the thought was to acknowledge the unfinished grieving before the Gotcha Day joy. Our daughter did not forget. Added to this was the death of her friend's dad last week. We took pizza and helium balloons to the friend yesterday too. Our daughter was well aware of the close link with her own grief and that of her friend. We saved one balloon for our daughter and she used a sharpie to write a note to her own mom too.
Even though our exclamation mark girl appears confident in so many situations, underneath it all, like so many of us, she struggles. She does not like to be singled out for attention. She always has a hard time with birthdays too. We discovered the hard way that big birthday parties are not the way to go for her.
Grieving is never something that we complete fully. It is an ongoing process like so many things in life. Jumbled feelings are to be expected too. Our daughter is always comforted that we do not expect her to have unencumbered joy in all the celebrations of life. Life is so much more complicated than that. There is relief in knowing that is alright. I want to allow our kids be comfortable with the wide range of feelings that celebrations can bring.
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