Beginning the Missing

Beginning
The missing.
Lonely in the starting.
Birth intertwined with death.
Grieving in the missing
is new.

Beginning
Loss in the missing
Of old
While new starts
Empty.

Open the door
That closed
Leaving
Old fullness
To pain
Of too bright
Nothing.

Loss and grieving
More deep
In the beginning
Of not forgetting
Old.

All of us
Round the corner.
New not new
At all.
Fresh with the
Loss
Of the old
Unexpected
Adding to the
Loosing
Of the Beginning

Beginning
An ending
Old
Unable to
Let go
Feelings
In the new
Beginning
of missing
For all.

Raspberries

It is a time of abundant harvest here at our home on the hill.  Everyday the children go out to pick buckets of juicy blackberries, tangy in their sour grittiness.  On the weekend we harvested our apple crop a bit early before the bears could get at them.  Our front hall is wall to wall with boxes of crispy sour apples and apple pears, waiting to be cut up for applesauce or dried in my skookum new dehydrator.  Night after night we are delighting in amazing desserts.  Blackberry apple pies and crumbles are the favourites.  Fall is the season of dessert, a treat normally absent from our table.

My very very favourite of all  are the tiny treats that my daughter faithfully presses into my hand in threes and fours each morning.  Raspberries.  Last year we were given three slips of raspberry cane.  We didn't have the time right then to properly line them up with supports and wire as we did in our previous home, so I planted them randomly close up to our front patio.  They have supplied me with morning delights from June right through to now.  There are not many.  They are hidden carefully behind abundant greenery. They are tender and soft with a touch of sweet and a fresh smell of morning.  They do not last gathered in any quantity and  never get beyond my morning yogurt dish.  Raspberries.

Delights in life to be savoured do not have to be abundant.  They are sometimes tender and their taste is subtle.  They often just come bit by bit and are frequently hidden at first glance.  Gifts of attention and slow.  Tender and small.  Enjoy the simple moments pressed gently in your hands.

Foundations

If I am going to try to slow down and simplify, what is really important?

In all the courses that I have taken over the last year, there has been significant emphasis on the bottom up foundation approach.  In the brain, development starts with the brainstem and moves up through the various parts of the brain to the cortex.  Movement and music and rhythm influence our higher brains through their steadying impact on the brainstem.  Often challenging behaviour comes from foundation insecurities and deep needs.  To influence behaviour we have to address those deeper places.   Even Jesus tells us to watch that the foundations of our homes are solid, built to last on rock.

Where do we start in parenting with this bottom up foundation emphasis?

 What is my foundation as a parent?  Us parents need to check first that we are healthy.  We need to be loving and gentle with our own selves. We often care for ourselves last.  For most of my life I have totally disregarded the second part of the command to "love others, as we love ourselves".  I have been so busy trying  to love rather than be loved and to understand rather than to be understood.  I have missed an important piece. I am to start loving at home, right in my own heart.  When I do that, I am much more effective at loving others too.  Sometimes it is easier to focus on loving and caring for our kids than for ourselves. I noticed that a recent conference geared to caring for our children was packed, but another upcoming conference that was to address caring for ourselves as  parents in this hazardous endeavour had to be cancelled because of poor enrollment.

How can we know if we are healthy?  When we find ourselves getting frustrated and upset we need to first check in with ourselves.  We know our kids have lots of challenges.  They will induce feelings of pain and abandonment in us.  They will unconsciously blame us for their abuse and neglect even if we were nowhere around.  We will experience trauma.  We will react and feel the pain, but we need to know in advance what we are going to do about these feelings.  We need strategies.

It is helpful for us to have some understanding about our own insecurities that may come from our early foundations.  What are the positives and negatives of how we were parented?  Even if we think that we had a perfect upbringing, it is important that we work through our own parenting before bringing children by adoption into our homes.  When it really comes down to it, many of us feel pretty unloved deep down.  We have never really accepted all of who we are, both the good and the bad.  Our foundation is a bit shakey.  Go to a counsellor to help with understanding our own selves with our unique backgrounds and propensities.  Join a group.  Talk through our own baggage and take it seriously.  Use all the ideas for our kids' self regulation and apply them to ourselves. Get regular exercise.  Dance.  Go for walks in nature.  Be mindful of all our senses and pay attention to their messages.    Learn to love ourselves.  Reparent the insecure child within us with love and forgiveness.  Breathe deeply.  Practice receiving as well as giving.  Connect and listen to God's voice in our own hearts.  Receive God's love for us just as we are.   Dig  our own roots deep into God's soil.  Allow His spirit in us to be a fountain of fresh water bringing love and understanding for ourselves even as we care for others.

So, for starters, as I slow down and simplify, I am going to grow in my ability to love and care for myself.  I am going to have time quietly to myself with God.  I am going to receive and accept God's unconditional love for me.    I am going to practice accepting and loving myself just as I am, all of me precious.  Allow myself to go to therapy when I feel I need some extra support and insight.  Be vulnerable with trusted friends and receive their love.  Journal.  Get regular exercise. Go for walks each evening with my husband.   Ask him for those back and foot massages for me.  Practice going within to the quiet space in my heart and being still and accepting in the empty silence with God.

Slow down and Simplify

Sometimes in the normal days of life, I wonder how to hear God.  Yesterday I went to a great adoption course with lots of helpful ideas and stimulating thoughts.  Wonderful people there too to help support and to learn from.

At the end of the day, just a couple of thoughts came to my heart as I was quiet.  I think those were God's words for me today.

Slow down and simplify.

We all hear those words often.  Days are full.  Activities are starting.  How do I slow down and simplify?

 There are so many great and good things to do.  Especially in the fall,  I always get excited to help with projects, to connect with others and to take courses and workshops.  I cannot do it all.  We all have to be intentional in our goals and say "no" to many good things in order to say "yes" to the priorities on our hearts.

Connecting with our children and partners takes time and energy.  Especially if our children are adopted and  have not had easy lives, our relationships with them will take more time.  I may not be able to have as many friends.  Our children need to be with us and not in full time daycare.  Most likely, I will not be able to do all the most interesting projects at work.  I probably cannot work full time. It may not be the best to enroll for that Master's degree just yet.  It may look like others have more exciting and stimulating and effective lives and can do it all.  I will let them live their lives, but I must carefully listen to the stirrings in my own heart.

For me to slow down and simplify means just that.  My life may not look as interesting, but if it is my priority to connect with my children and my partner, then I have to have time to do that.  Adopting children is a very significant and time consuming endeavour in itself.  Relationship building especially in adopting takes time and commitment and is much more demanding than building a family through birth.  We must not gloss over that fact.  Our families are different.  We are like the car on the highway with our hazard lights flashing.  We are slower and over to the side.  We can try multitasking, but it is not as effective.

Slow down and simplify.    Take time to take our kids out of school for the day and play on the beach. Time to cook nutritious meals and sit down for supper together.  Time to go for walks together.  Time to listen to hearts and to see beyond behaviour.  Time to repeat instructions over and over and still stay calm. Time to read and hug before bed.   How we take our time is an active choice.  Relationship building and connecting is not flashy and dramatic.  We are in this for the long haul.  None of our friends and neighbours may completely understand, but do it anyway.  Slow down and simplify.

Alone

Standing alone.
A wolf on the mountaintop
Alone.

No connection
On the edge
Of no contact.

Alone with space
This time.

Turn within
To deep heart rich.
Connect with self
In God.

Joy in your own
Standing alone.
A Lone wolf
Alone.

Spaces

My first thought is to head out into the garden this morning to try to quickly fill in the holes and rearrange the plants so the spaces are not quite so empty.
My heart whispers, "Wait!"

As I look out and view the landscape, I realize that we all have known those messy holes and empty spaces in our lives.  Family and friends have died, people have moved, divorces happen.  Our children have known birth parents disappearing, foster homes changing, and siblings ripped away.

We want to fix these gaping spaces.  Fill them up.  Plant ourselves where the birth parents should have been.
Bring back order where there is chaos.

Wait!

Stand together and acknowledge the spaces and destruction.  Let them be.  Certainly fill in those holes before someone trips and falls in them, but be careful about rearranging and replanting too soon.
Just as we have to let new plants rest awhile after transplanting, let the spaces rest and be.  There is healing in space.  The destruction is just as much a part of the story as the rebuilding.  Be still.  Consider and feel the pain together.  Wait for the right time to start planting again, realizing that there is no replacing the old.  Discover the distinct and often painful beauty in the space.

Wait!

Transplanting

As I look out from the window of my heart into the garden of my family, I see four big piles of dirt beside wide gaping holes in the garden.  The garden looks sparse and empty and even the remaining plants look like they have lost their place.

This weekend has been full of transplanting.  A couple of the trees that we moved have been transplanted many times before.  They get put back in the soil for a few months here and there, like our Christmas tree that is removed for a season each year with a rotting burlap bag still protecting a solid root ball for the replanting later.

One of these uprooted trees has been planted here for a while this time.  It has given shade and fruit to us all in this last year.  We are going to miss the fun of resting under its canopy and eating its tasty delights.  The cat will miss scratching its knobbly bark.  The other tree that was planted beside it has only been around for  short times lately.  Its creative peeling bark and rich colour add so much joy and wonder to the whole garden.  The garden fairies that twinkle from its heights wait in excited anticipation for its short returns that add such delight.

The biggest hole was home to two trees, forever linked by their roots.  They have never before been moved  and by the looks of the piles of soil around them, it was a challenge to get them out.  This newest loss to our garden is huge.  Even the neighbouring trees and bushes seem to be tottering as their own roots were disturbed.  Bits of cut up roots are scattered among the remaining soil.  These twin trees had to be pulled apart from each other as well as from their solid earth.   Their special and solid beauty as two unique trees intertwined and supporting each other leaves a gaping space in the entire garden.  They were a favourite resting place for the dog, and every kind of bird perched in their leafy branches.  The sound of the birds' chirping and cawing has gone, leaving a cavernous silence.  These trees swayed and creaked, their bark rubbing the other and chafing.  We feel the space from their leaving.  We are excited that they will now have a chance to fully grow and develop by themselves, but we miss their strength and support.

Four trees, carefully moved and replanted this weekend.  New soil dug and prepared far from here.  Fresh compost added to the mix.  For the twin trees, we carefully placed stakes to help support the trunks while the newly disturbed roots grow.  May the new places and soil give new growth to our trees.  May they be a delight in their new gardens, bringing shade and fruit and wonder there.

We miss them.  We will fill in the holes loosely, mixing some fresh soil with the old for when they return, stronger and wider, new roots sprouting.