Life Happens

It is time for me to write again.  My far flung children who depend on this blog to keep their hearts in pulse with the family have been writing and phoning in worry, wondering why my written outpourings have slowed down.

Partly, I must say, I have been tired of writing with saccharine-sweet preaching, aimed primarily to get my own soul through some tough times.   I have been distracted and on reading some of my own words have found them to sometimes be rather artificially sugar-coated.  Not particularly helpful for me or anyone else.

Many years ago I was deeply struck by the fresh words of Scott Peck in his book, "The Road Less Travelled."  His opening words are striking and ring true.

 “Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it-then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.” 
― M. Scott Peck

Recently I was researching therapists by reading their on-line bios.  I was struck by one therapist who seemed to have the need to outline in her bio that she is not there to help her clients bypass the difficulties of life.  She spent a significant amount of time talking about how difficult life can be.  Although I do not take issue with her words, I did not linger on her bio as I researched.  I have been deeply helped myself by a therapist whose approach majors on hope and healing.  I somehow was not impressed by this particular therapist's emphasis on  the difficulties of life. 

At the same time, there is no doubt that life is often very difficult.  Life can be particularly difficult for our children by adoption.  Trauma and neglect have often deeply influenced the very basic wiring of their beings.  This trauma is pervasive and powerful and has the potential to spread and to destroy the very people who are trying to help.  Adoption disruptions happen often among wonderful and caring people.  It is not infrequent for the children themselves to disrupt adoption placements.  One of my daughters previously did exactly that with another family.  There are definitely perks involved with frequent moves and the caring sympathy of others while continuing the pattern of trauma and chaos so ingrained in our children.

We are not in the midst of any kind of family disruption, but we are not unscathed by the powerful destruction and pain of residual trauma active and alive deep in the souls of some of our children.

Life is difficult. Adoption is difficult.  Accept those truths.  At the same time, in the acceptance, do not give the difficulties power to take a central place in your life.  Get help if needed, from a therapist majoring in the power of your hope and strength.  

We could not do this journey alone.  We have been supported and cared for by  many people in an abundance of ways.  Our support group has also included a couple of wise and well educated therapists who understand the power of trauma and who understand adoption and our children.  They have given us hope and perspective with our kids and ourselves.  We have not abandoned our very selves, and have walked forward in faith and love.  

I also do believe in the power and hope of God's love.  That is not a feel-good sugar coating to my life, but through the difficulties and challenges of life has been ever strengthened and refined.

Difficulties abound.  But again I hold to the truth that three things remain.  Faith, hope and love.  The greatest of these is love.

My far-flung children, life is difficult.  Yes, accept the challenges.  Go forward with much faith, hope and love in the joys and abundance.  Be still and know God.  Listen to His call and walk with Him in confidence and trust.

Unity in Diversity

I have always identified deeply with the analogy of us people as representing different parts of the body.  Some of us are hidden away like lungs, others are big toes, and some are hands or eyes.  We have a wonderful assortment of gifts that together bring wholeness as people and communities.   It is so important to value and preserve the many different gifts and perspectives that we as individuals bring to one another.

Wise story telling son and I had a fascinating day at the aquarium.  I was struck afresh by the amazing diversity of sea creatures.  So many colours, shapes and unique places in the community of our larger world. Such incredible creativity and diversity that speak to me of God's creative design and attention to detail.
We also need to preserve the whole breadth of creation.  All day I was reminded of the need for the gifts of my new son-to-be  as he is dedicated to learn and grow in the whole area of preserving and treasuring creation.

Thoughts of new son reminded me that within our family we also have significant and ever- changing diversity.   In recognition of this diversity we make different choices for our different children.  We may choose a different school situation for one of our girls.  Her gifts and needs are different from the others, even from her own twin.  I do not want my children to be all the same.  I rejoice in those differences and want to encourage them in their own gifts.  I am excited about the new and special gifts that our new son already brings to us all.

In our ever-growing and evolving diversity, may we hold on to the unity of love and care and gentle kindness, appreciating one another ever-more and growing in the range and beauty and function of our differences!

Returning

It is midterm break at the universities, and it is a great joy to have an older son back home.  It is good timing  as life around here is  returning to a place of stable equilibrium for now.  Son's return  gives me an added  impetus to let go of the edges of trauma and to fully enjoy his presence.  Tomorrow he and I are going out for the day to visit another daughter and to investigate the new shark exhibit at the aquarium.

It is not easy to be a sibling of children from difficult places.  From his new vantage point of living away from home, biological son and  I have  returned in conversation to discuss some of the challenges that adopting four younger siblings brought for him.  His tender heart has suffered and been pushed to the extremes of love through it all.  Those years were difficult.  I have places of guilt in my own heart that I was not able to be there for him in all the ways that could have been if we had not adopted.  While holding and respecting the pain, returning son has no regrets.  He is ultimately thankful  for his younger siblings and the deep richness of pain, turmoil, and joy and love that this journey has brought.  His psychology courses at university taken while at a distance from home have both validated and enlightened his own experience.  A wise storyteller at heart,  he keeps us all laughing with his stories and studies learned these last months.

We did adopt.  We are sharing our lives in ways that are often difficult.  We all do have regrets and worries and "what ifs."  Our love has been stretched and challenged and our family forever changed.  All of this is life.  God is deep in the midst of it all with more love waiting and flowing from deep springs in the hard rock places.  Together son and I are glad that this is our journey.  Tomorrow will come soon and we will have a day of returning joy, just the two of us.

Angel Kisses

We do try to end each day with love and cuddles with our kids.  Even when days seem to be full of insurmountable challenges, I leave all that behind on the last bedside kiss.  Certainly those challenges may be addressed tomorrow in the light of day, but bedtime is no time for discussion.   Some nights include stories and other nights bring foot massages;  every night includes a cuddle.  Often angel kisses come with the cuddles.  We flutter our eye lashes gently on one another's cheeks, remembering that no matter what, God's angels are here with us.

I have been deeply encouraged by the words of the prophet Zephaniah (3:17) in these days.  He says,

"Cheer up, Zion!  Don't be afraid!
For the Lord your God is living among you.
He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
With his love, he will calm all your fears.
He will rejoice over you with joyful songs."

I have needed to hear these words and experience their truth, deep in my soul.  I have been learning lots about cognitive, emotional and sensory regulation over the last week.  Great truths that have been life giving! Somehow I also want to add another dimension of spiritual regulation as part of who I am as a human being. Certainly not measurable or all that recognized in our culture.  Definitely full of mystery and unknown.
Most clearly my rock at the heart of my being.   God of all love is living among us, bringing me peace and much quiet thankfulness with those special angel kisses.

Love

Love is patient and kind.  Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.  It does not demand its own way.  It is not irritable and it keeps no record of being wronged.  It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.  Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures throughout all circumstances.  Three things will last forever:  Faith, hope and love- and the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13)

Today as I enjoyed the second day of my course I was struck by the presenter's kind and caring eyes and her love for all of us.  Yesterday my daughter was similarly deeply impacted by her gentle and loving spirit expressed through her being.  It touched her heart and brought another level of healing. Today I asked Kim about how she is growing in loving spirit.  Certainly it is an area that is a priority for her.  She has given loving attention to the growth of her own heart in love.

Today on this Valentine's day I am  wanting to grow more and more in love.  Love for God, for others and for myself.  So often God is portrayed as a harsh task master, pushing us to somehow be good people.  We are frequently harsh task masters with ourselves and others too.  We are quick to notice all our  failings and harsh edges and are relentless in trying to forever change ourselves and those around us.  We push down areas of hurt and woundedness and dismiss areas that are sensitive and painful in ourselves, ever attempting to pull up our socks and move on.

My own journey of love in these last months has started with allowing God, others and myself to accept and love me.  I have often deep down felt unworthy of love.  I have not tenderly cared for my own areas of sensitivity and hurt.  I have cared for others, but somehow have felt unworthy of that same love for myself.  As I so frequently tell my children, our hearts do expand with love!  We can love God, others and ourselves.  There is room to be patient and kind with ourselves as well as with others.  Somehow this expansive love even for myself has made all the difference in my loving.  Some of my edges have rubbed away and I am able to more freely and gently love others from the core of my being which was previously tangled and fragmented with feelings of unworthiness and guilt.

May we allow love to flow freely through our lives today.  God's Spirit of love longs to fill us to overflowing.  Let go of blocks and obstacles to that love. Be gentle and kind and learn from others who are full of love.  Allow others to love you too.  Remember that love is really what is most important in all of life.  Keep love at the heart of all things.  Happy Valentine's Day!

Attached

One of my daughters has been attached to me nonstop for almost a week now.  I actually have loved the time with her.  She is kind and generous and a pleasure to be with.  We have a lot in common and there has not been a moment of that time that has not been wonderful.  Today I was booked to attend a professional course and as it was sponsored by my work and I knew the presenter, Kim Barthel,  and was not getting paid for my time there, special daughter came with me for the day.  She brought a tall stack of books and sat next to me and read all day.  I think the reading kept her focussed, because she absorbed a significant amount of the fascinating course and at the end of the day on her own initiative wanted to go and thank Kim and tell her how much she enjoyed the day.  She also went up to my boss to thank her for the privilege of being there and hugged a number of my colleagues.  I could not have been more proud of her.

Being constantly attached to me has been a significant time of regulation for my daughter.  She has needed to be next to me to help keep her grounded and safe from some of her own impulsive behaviour.  I actually have not experienced any of the impulsivity and dysregulation that is so challenging for her in school.

Tomorrow, special daughter will return to school.    Although she is settled with me beside her, the school environment has so many triggers and challenges for her.  She does not intentionally mean to blurt out comments that put her safety and well-being in jeopardy.  She does not mean to get carried away in ways that turn people away from her.  She does not mean to have significant lapses in judgment.  Nevertheless, those are her challenges in the school environment.  She is academically strong and so her social and emotional challenges in that environment are all the more surprising for us all.  Most of the time she functions so well in all areas.  Her judgment lapses are only one percent of the time, but that one percent can be all the more difficult for her and for us all.  Sometimes we all feel whacked over the back of our heads by her very occasional lapses.

As part of our course today, we watched a film clip about a soldier returning from Iraq.  A thunder storm back home in the safety of his own house caused the soldier to unconsciously return in his mind to the fear of his experiences in Iraq.  In total fear and terror, he shot at his own son, thankfully missing him by inches.  He was suffering the effects of significant trauma as a soldier in Iraq.  An MRI showed his amygdala reacting to  faces, both friendly and angry, with the same fear and terror.  My daughter has been similarly deeply wounded by trauma that has made changes in her brain that significantly influence her unconscious reactions and bring feelings of fear erupting by surprise even in places of safety.

The good news is that there is hope for healing for both that soldier and my daughter.  Post traumatic stress disorder that is addressed with skill and compassion can  be successfully treated.  Some people quickly dismiss my hope, but I am ever hopeful.  Hope is always such a balance.  We really cannot function without it, but at the same time we have to be realistic.  I am always careful to give the ongoing supports needed, but am eternally hopeful!  All my children are so full of love and amazing gifted life.  We will go forward tomorrow with hope and joy and deep love.

Gung Hay Fat Choy

Happy New Year to all!  The year of the snake has begun.  Although in our culture snakes often symbolize sneaky evilness, for the Chinese they are respected and treasured.  This is a year of renewal and fresh beginnings as the snakes slither out of their old skins into the bright colours of newness underneath the old.

For me, I am holding on to the hope of new beginnings with promises of spring around the corner.  In our family we are shedding our old skins and heading forward into new adventures.  With the shedding there is some tender vulnerability and healthy fear, but we are letting love and forgiveness shine forth from deep within and enjoying the fresh new shades of colour in regeneration and renewal.

The teen years for all kids bring new challenges and mixed feelings.  There are many uncomfortable places and situations that arise during these years.  For teens who have known many layers of trauma through all that has lead up to adoption, these years are much more tumultuous for both the teens and their families.  In these last days we have had some days in rough waters.  There will be many more of these dark days ahead  as we all face some of the wounds of trauma and pain uncovered in each new developmental stage.

For now, we are holding on to the hope of growth and depth of love emerging through challenge.  We are much further ahead on the journey of love.  Often there are many layers of skin that must be removed over the years.  Sometimes we retreat to dark places of protection to allow the shedding to take place.  As another new year has come, we are ready to come out into the light again for now.  We hold fast to hope, remembering  the truth of God's love and forgiveness and the reality of His Spirit in us bringing love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control as we walk forward together into this year of the snake.

We send you wishes of blessing too at the beginning of this new year.